Sista..... Stand Up!

From the moment I announced that I was pregnant, I’m bombarded with ‘expert’ opinions about what I should or shouldn’t do. Mothers flood me with horror stories of how traumatic their child birth was and tell me to book my Epidural today! As soon as I’m registered anywhere, I’m inundated with samples of Pampers, Johnsons, Avent etc etc. all the leading name brands that are supposedly ‘best’ for baby.

Call me cynical but I don’t always believe that just because something is a leading brand that it’s the best product. These large corporate companies have a clear money a gender with large advertising budgets and I’m not about to give them my cash unless I know the product is going to work for me and my family.

Now, I’ve never been a sheep following what others do, and giving birth to this baby is going to be no exception. Despite all the ‘expert’ advice I decide that I will read everything I can get my hands on about natural/holistic pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. I’m seeing a lot of raised eyebrows thinking, ‘Eco mother bolloc*s! You say that now but when giving birth feels like shitting a fridge, you'll be screaming for pain relief!' I have no idea how I’ll feel, I don’t even get period pains so I have no concept of what I’m getting myself into, but I’m sticking with my instincts and going as natural as I can. This was going to be another challenging chapter in my life where I would only follow my instinct as it has never failed me yet!

Well, it’s been one hell of a 3 months! I haven’t been blogging again for a while as I just found it hard to write about anything. My head has been so cluttered with so many different things that I just wanted to run away most of the time. R and I had not planned to have any kids at this time and being the control freak that I am have been totally caught off guard with this one! The first few weeks of the pregnancy I had a lot of doubt about my ability to be a good mother. The responsibility of running a tight ship at home and keeping my family happy is a tall order. Its not like I can go back when she’s an adult and change things so its important that I get it as right as I can as she grows up. No pressure then!!

The lack of money I’ll have once I give up work scares the shit out of me. How is the baby going to affect our sex life! The relationship? Our social life? How am I going to spread myself between a demanding baby and a rampant husband! After my initial freak out, I cry, vent my fears, calm down and now I’m taking one day at a time. Strangely enough, being pregnant seems to have made me less anxious about things in general than I was before....

I have my scan on Monday which will tell me if the baby has a high risk of Downs Syndrome. The doctor told me at the previous scan that they measure the fluid in a baby’s neck and the length will say if the child is high risk. He then goes onto assume that if there are issues, I will automatically want an abortion but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I could go ahead and kill the baby after seeing its heart beating at six weeks. It’s a big decision to have a less able bodied child and I'm not sure if I can do that either? We’ll see what happens…. I already love this little baby......

Yesterday was my parent’s 44th wedding anniversary! 44 years of love, laughs, fights, 6 kids (1 still born), a brain tumour, an affair, more sickness, 2 kids adopted, and then come the grandkids, emigration and happily ever after retirement in the USA. I'll never know how they stayed together through the years but I couldn't be happier that they did. I cant name any of my friends whose parents are still together.

.I'll never judge any couple that decides to get divorced as relationships need a lot of work hard and happy, separated singletons are better than a feuding man and wife. However, it does sometimes feel like marriage for allot of people just doesn’t work anymore. There is so much pressure generally on people for things both materially and emotionally which is a breeding ground for things to go wrong if not managed effectively. Once that Wedding day high subsides its time for the real work! Sex? Boredom? No cash? Kids? One day you wake up and he is not the prince you thought he was but the skint bloke from round the corner. He wakes up and realise that the fit size 8 model he married has become a 15 stone nag?

You can never predict how things are going to change you as a person as life. It’s the risk you take when you commit. I would like to think I would fight for my marriage when it hit the dark spots like my proud Jamaican Mother. After 40 odd years in the UK she’s living a beautiful self sufficient life in the US which she never expected. She always used to say ‘who laughs last laughs best!’ 080807

Decisions. Decisions. So many different choices to work through. The pregnancy, the birth and then the mammoth task of parenting. Hospital or home birth? Drugs or natural? Mum’s way or my way? Organic or regular? Stay at home or childcare? Breastfeed or bottle? Smacking or naughty step? It just makes my head spin!!

As a woman who has always followed my instinct, everything I read about being a green parent rings bells. The minute I start seeing things about being natural, ethical, eco etc. I want to read more. I don’t care about not having lots of money to buy lavish clothes and toys for baby, what matters to me is temperament, confidence, manners, honour, and respect within our family unit.

While filling my head with all these different methods it really hits me that I have to stop and think about how I run my life and if it will suit us as a family? All those things that I like to think I do but secretly don’t do nearly enough will be exposed when I have this baby. I want my child to grow up watching minimal TV, loving books, being creative, expressive, artistic. All the things that I never really seem to have time to do but know these are things that help me grow and learn! If I want her to do these things then I have to set an example. This is not just about bringing another child into the world, its something that’s about to challenge my every fear, insecurity, and avoidance. If I want the best for my baby, I have to start with am I doing the best for me?

My lord, this pregnancy lark is a whole knew world….. It’s hard to describe how I feel physically but it’s as if I have heated energy rushing around my abdomen. I‘ve decided to keep quiet about the pregnancy for the first 3 months as these are the most vulnerable weeks. The foetus is much more stable with less chance of miscarriage after that. I’m no spring chicken and I can’t help but worry a little about how my age will affect the child.

It’s really hard being at work when I feel sick along with all the resignation drama. Whoever defined ‘morning sickness’ should be karate chopped! It lasts all friggin day! I bet it was a bloke that started that! Thank God for peppermint or ginger which works great for nausea. I also feel much less sickness since taking my prenatal vitamins.

My belly often swells in the evening and goes down in the morning so I'm already having to adjust my clothing. No major moods swings yet though, a few tears while on the phone to mum one night but no urge to swing a machete around my husbands peanut head as yet.....

Despite the baby being really little, it’s hard not to get attached. I talk to her (don’t know sex for sure but feel it’s a girl) during my car journeys to work... I tell her how lovely her dad is and how much she’ll love him when they meet. I also play her music in the car as they can hear around 23 weeks old. She’s bound to love Shirley Bassy as I keep blasting ‘I am what I am!'

One evening I was talking about how nauseous I was feeling and R was doing his best to make me feel more positive but it just sounded so insincere. I felt like whacking him but the truth is, he can never really understand it from my point of view because he’s not having the same feelings, hormones or emotions. I have to just get my head around the fact that he'll do his best to support me, but ultimately this is one hell of a journey I have to do alone.

I have to take responsibility for myself. I will also be the main carer and I am absolutely terrified! Terrified of getting it wrong. Terrified of not living up to everyone’s expectations. Terrified the baby will grow up and hate me for doing a shit job! I also know that I don’t want to be a conventional mum with pampers and Johnson’s baby crap with lots of chemicals. I would do everything as naturally as possible using real terry nappies and being as eco as I can. I’ll have read whatever I can get my hands on to prepare.

I’ll have to get my shit together financially also as it’ll be me giving up work. Very scary but stuff that I have to get my head around if I want to be ready for this baby. First things first, I get on the internet and order a book on optimum nutrition for pregnancy, then nosey around some websites with message boards for first time mums.

I ask Mama Heaven to sharpen my instincts and help me deal with my fear of change. I want to enjoy these changes so I'm determined to start as I mean to go on....

This last week has been the weirdest time of my life. I'm going from feeling happy at the prospect of having a cute little baby, to feeling insecure and overwhelmed. No matter how liberal your man can be, it does ultimately fall on the women to make it happen.

Am I good enough to be a mother? Can I handle the pain of childbirth? How will it affect my relationship and will I still be the bedroom whore my husband loves after I‘ve given birth? What will happen to my punani? Will I become a ‘Tena’ lady??!? As much as i'll love the little bundle, will I resent not having my own space and time? OMG What about my shoe addition? I'll have withdrawal?? The truth is I’ll never really understand how much my life will change until it actually happens.

I make an immediate appointment to the see the doctor to find out the next step. I decided I would not go steaming in all guns blazing to talk about suing the hospital. I was told that my contraception had not been touched so why the fig am I now pregnant? I would take it real easy. I packed the plastic cigar still glaring at me from the bathroom along with some fresh pee in case of a retest.

I don’t have to wait long before I‘m sat in front of a bald thickset Asian doctor. I explain that the hospital advised after my previous op that my coil had not been taken out. I had not had a period for 6 weeks and was now in procession of a positive pregnancy test? He explained that the coil was not 100% safe and said it is possible that it could still be inside. He had experienced babies which had been born without removing the coil but also had had situations where removal had brought on miscarriage.

He was a little preoccupied with if would keep the baby or not and seemed quite relived when I said I defiantly would. He advised that the coil was normally removed during the procedure I had, but they should have replaced it and could not understand why I was pregnant. His first priority was to get me booked in for a scan to see if the coil was still inside. My instinct tells me that there is no coil but its better to sure.....

Y'all know how stressed I’ve been the last few weeks about work so I weighed myself and was a little surprised that I was still 8.5 stone? Weight normally drops off me when I’m stressed.

I was due to come on soon so I put it down to that. At the beginning of this week mama heaven told me something was up as I was a little late (which I never am), and my boobs were very swollen. There was no way I could be pregnant as I had little somethin’ somethin’ to stop that happening. Hang on, could anything have changed since my punani operation?

I went into the shower and began thinking all sorts of things. Did they remove my contraception during operation and not tell me? Am I carrying a little bun? There was a whoooole lot of jiggy going on during the honeymoon and since we got back so there was plenty of fish in the sea!!! FUCK could I be? Ren had already gone to work so I decide to say nothing until later this evening.

I had driven to work with my hand break on and buggered my car so he picks me up from work. Still annoyed with myself about the handbrake, I tell him in the car park about my disappearing IUD. He is unsurprisingly cool as usual and I suggest we get test. My instinct had already told me that I'm pregnant but I just needed the proof.

It’s now 6.30pm and I'm staring down, watery eyed at what looks like a flat plastic tampon with lines inside little windows. Anyone who has had one of these in their hand knows exactly what I’m talking about. Well.... I didn’t even have to wait the length of time they suggest for the result. The window showed crystal clear that I was indeed pregnant........ 21.6.07

My boss had been off all week and I was dreading spending the time in the office with the buyer especially after he had been rubbishing me but it was not half as bad as I thought t was going to be. Funnily enough I was much calmer this week, but I think that’s because I had made up my mind to leave and would not have to deal with this place for much longer. Why was this happening to me? Why was I being challenged in this way and what was the bigger meaning behind this madness. Although I knew that the training was shit and he had been unfair in his assumption, I was still beating myself up about not picking things up immediately. As Thursday approached I slept less. Wednesday evening I tweaked the letter some more and picked out a stylish outfit for my resignation moment. It was important to me that she understood that she was not only going to loose a bright women but also a stylish one. I decided that I would tell her on her own when the buyer had gone to lunch. The morning dragged on, I said very little and went through different speeches over and over in my head as to what was appropriate. Despite being angry and upset, I still wanted to remain dignified without launching into a defensive torrent of abuse about how shit her training was and the buyer was dinosaur has been who can’t even spell spreadsheet.

I didn’t anticipate them both going off to lunch together so I sent her an email asking her for chat when she got back so he would be less aware.

My vision of it being a controlled dignified discussion went down the toilet as the pressure built up over the weeks (way before my honeymoon) sent out floods of tears. I expressed how unhappy I was in the role, and wanted to resign. I was feeling constantly overwhelmed by the responsibilities because the training had not matched the intensity of the requirements to do a good job. I explained that while I understood her intentions for telling me about the buyer complaining, I felt it was unfair based on the lack of training and the holidays they both had (leaving me on my own ) since I had been there. I was also extremely upset that in light of their absence and lack of 1 on 1 training, he still doubted my ability to the point where she was saying she had to ‘fight my corner??’ I surprised myself by being so emotional but I just couldn’t help it. I then went on to say how I had written a list of pro’s and cons list and the reasons to go was much longer. 6k pay cut, less holidays, longer hours, the driving etc etc etc. She was very upset and apologised profusely because of the training situation. If the main reason I would leave was because of the training and the Buyer situation, then she asked that I would give her a chance to rectify things. She had had really good feedback about me from other management and she could not let someone like me leave because of something she had failed to do. I was more than capable of doing the job. She was understanding about the money etc and said that would have to be my decision but promised sincerely that if the main reason was the training etc then she would intensify the training over the next few weeks to give me the tools I needed to do the job.

She finally asked that I keep the conversation between the two of us, and take the weekend to think about things. Something tells me she would have been in deep shit if I left because of training as they were currently recruiting for 10 other people in the same position! If someone with my experience is leaving she would have had to answer some very awkward questions. Especially as I was close to the Operations Director!!

After the events of Wednesday my nerves are back in that all consuming stressful place I promised myself I would never return to during the honeymoon.

It has been really hurtful that the buyer has been saying about me when I had only been back 2 days from holiday. What is the bigger life lesson in this for me?? Despite being really hurt I don’t want to be bitter towards them and I’m looking for how I can use this situation to bring about a position ending.

With hindsight I think my boss did me a favour by telling me what he had been saying as it made me see things for what they really are and stop trying to convince myself that I could stay in that position and be happy. I accepted the role when I was desperate for work after leaving HOF and there was no excitement for me about the new role. Maybe that’s what the buyer picked up on?? Even if I had been mildly bothered about the role, from what I see and hear from the other employees in the same role is that its not pretty. Many stay much longer than there working hours unpaid, the workload is extremely intense and there does not seem to be a lot of reward or recognition for this.

I don’t think I really accepted just how much the House of Fraser redundancy hit me and this new situation has really knocked my confidence again. Although the redundancy was not personal this new issue in addition has brought up a lot old wounds of feeling like ‘the stupid nigger who can’t learn anything or succeed.’

The bottom line is that I have compiled a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go and the reasons to go won. My boss is on holiday again until Wednesday so I hold off until she gets back. I’ll be writing my letter of resignation today and will hand it in during my update review on Friday.

I‘m now back on British soil and feeling that depressive holiday come down. The dreaded thought of going back to work had bugged my brain since we took off from Miami.

The first day back was ok as I just had a million emails to read but  yesterday, I left work feeling absolutely crushed. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into a private meeting to tell me that her boss (the buyer) said he 'was not convinced' about my being right for the job! She acknowledged that a lot of it was down to her not doing the structured training she promised. But said he was getting on her nerves as she was  having to fight my corner!!!! Fight my corner? Fight my corner for what? I had had my review before going on holiday where although it was a bit of a shaky start, he seemed happy with what I was doing??? When did this all come from in my 2 days back. I had 250 emails to read on day one. I also to re-familiarise myself with everything and there was never a time that I sat on my arse doing nothing. I may not have always got the task priorities right in their eyes but I communicated what I was doing and there were no objections at any point...  Ahhh fuck this place!!  Why waist my energy! I'm so pissed right now; I can't even bring myself to write anymore......

Amoungst the moments of sunning myself in the Bahama sun, I realise how much time I spend being anxious about something or another back at home.... The main cause being not being in the presant. Always worrying about, today, tomorrow, next week,next year. Planning, schedules, lists, totally fretin' and forgetting how to enjoy what is happening in front of me. Even now, it's the last 2 days of the cruise and my mind is wondering back to London and all the bullshit 'shoulds' waiting for me. One of the things I have learnt on this trip is to accept the gift of the present! Acknowledging the chatter that races through my mind but not getting attached to what is there until I really need to. I have'nt read as much as I wanted to but but I did find time to write. My love of writing has sent me on several voyges, asking myself questions about what I want from life and re-steering my everyday existance towards my happy ending. Down deep, I know there is still so much more for me to do and life still had few more surprises for me. During your life, you can choose to be ordinary or extr-ordinary? The extra on frount of extrodinary represents all the extra little things you do to reach your goal. They don't have to big things, just consistant and heart felt. 'Mama Heaven' will take care of the rest.......

This trip has helped me reconnect to Rene also, remembering how and why we fell in love. We touched and looked at each other differently and the tenderness was out in abundance. Last night I made up my mind to have some extra special 'night food' so I showered early and while he was in there I slipped into a red satin underwear set from Agent Provocature that he had bought for me on our first Valentines day as a couple. I slipped on the red feather mules I bought to match and took some pictures of myself before I heard the shower switch off. I remember thinking this would be a great night if we were trying for a baby. That time will have its day. No need to tell you what happen next :-)

I went to get a drink at the bar after a long sun session and was very annoyed that my drink receipt showed that a percentage of what I had paid was tip. These people are obsessed with tipping! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but my idea of what a tip is is to pay extra for a service you feel was well done? Now I dont mind paying a tip if its my choice but NOT for it to be taken automatically. We had already shelled out enough money for this cruise part of which we had to to pay for compulsary gratuatis and now I am a little annoyed that we have to fork out even more for every little thing we buy on board! So even if you get shite service they still chare you the grtuatis!! What kind of bullshit is that! Is anyone with me on this??

It's a Royal Carribbean cruise trip starting in Miami, around the Bahamas, then to Key West and ending back in Miami to fly home. We get onto the boat pretty quickly and find our cabin which is small but clean and cosy. I am amazed at the boat size and still have no idea how something so mighty can float on water! Once we unpack a little, we have a nozy round. This place is like a massive shopping mall and you would never know you were on water if it were not the gentle movement of the water beneath you. There was a theatre show, bingo, a casino, gym, shopping Yoga, a large pool and spa, the list is endless. Lots to do but all I really want to do is soak up as much sun as possible before we get back to freezing England!

With most of the honeymoon over and only a few days left on the cruise thoughts of home start to creep back into my head. Everytime I leave home on holiday, I vow to do things differently when I get back. Somehow, I always seem to get sucked back into the madness and end up not doing the creative things I really want to do... I dont want to spend too much time thinking about home before its time so I focus on enjoying the sun, sea and whatever else might pop up on the cruise.

We would only be hear from a few days so we wanted to pack as much in as possible. I checked out the gay scene to see if there was anything intersting happening. Unfortunately we missed the huge weekly drag night but there was a great sex museum (World Erotic Art Museum)in town that we just had to visit! There were also some great bars that we would hit tomorrow.

The pool in the hotel was a little rough so we went across the road to the beach before heading down to the Sex Museum. This place was amazing. It was some old pensioner called Naomi Wilzig whose son was into erotic art and got her into it too!! The place was heaving with numerous sexual artifacts. Historical along with tonge in cheek pieces. The funniest thing I liked, was a large four poster bed with each collum shaped into 4 gigantic wooden penises! There was also this masturbating bench which vibrated with a huge noisy fallic metal erection in the middle which moved up and down quite agressively. The museum owner told us that she aquired it from an old porn set where the ladies would lower themselves onto the fallic piece! She switch the machine on and we all laughed as the metal dick shunted forwards and backwards! If you fancy a sneaky peak at some of the pieces you can check it out at www.weam.com

Dinner in the evening also turned out to be just as entertaining as our lunch time gallavant. There was this huge bar/club which was buzzing with loud music and beautiful people. The bar staff were all stunning, tanned and looked Mexican/Brazilian. They spent just as much time pouring cocktails as they did cavorting on top of the bars. We had dinner upstairs then sat and people watched.

Right below us at the bar we noticed a female couple (one of whom was extremly butch) who were in flirtatious conversation with a black female bartender. She too was gorgeous of course! I gestured over to Rene to look to see if anything was going on there.... After a few minutes observing, we made out that the butch one was trying to chat up the bar tender and she was just stringing her along and teasing her. The butch one was clearly drunk and after a few exchanges proceeded to flash her sagging, wrinkly breasts to her and the rest of us!!! We laughed so hard we could not belive our eyes!! the bar tender was clearly shocked but this did not stop her flirting further!! We kept watching and she did it again!!!! I wouldn't have minded if they had been pert and full but Lord, someone needs to tell that women to keep those wrinkly sacks of spuds where they belong!!!

These few days here have been the best days of the honeymoon so far and we still have the cruize to go before we head home.... to be honest, I didn't care if the cruse was aload of shite as this Miami experience was beyond fabulous!!!!

We left Disney and arrived at Miami Int airport at around 2pm to carry on our honeymoon. As the taxi touched the edge of South Beach towards our hotel, my grin windened. I had read a little of what South Beach was about but I had no idea that this place was rockin' so hard! Funnily enough, this place was only supposed to be a pit stop while we waited for our Bahamas cruise to set sail, but I knew as soon as we saw this place we were going to have some fun. The Art Deco architecture was stunning, and it was wall to wall buff central. A completely different culture from Georcgia which was heaving with 20 stone people. This joint had health shops on every corner. What was even more fabulous was the strong gay presence which always means that there's gonna be some lively shit going on. We had booked into the cool 1930's Park Central Hotel which had a stylish vintage car parked outside. Right opposite, was a clear, tacky souvenir free, golden beach! Heaven! Check it out www.theparkcentral.com

Once checked in we discovered it was not 5 star glamour, but some how that didn't matter. The staff were very hospitable and the history of the place combined with the vibe forgave everything else. As soon as we we're unpacked, we're excited to take a long walk along Ocean Drive in the gorgeous sunshine. Now i really feel like I'm on Honeymoon! This Joint really is buff central. Pert titties? BAM! High tight Arse? PAHH, Bag a sugar bicepts? BIFF!! Weeeeeee, a buff coffee coloured queen skates passed us backwards in between the traffic saturated with Hummers and more vintage convertables. I Fuckin' love this place! I'm never going home!......

We arrived in Orlando surprisingly refreshed. The resort housed large clusters of varying sized stylish villas. We were taken in a small buggy to our lovely little suite next to a small pool. We have a couple of days to chill before the wedding so we had a great time chatting to the other wedding guests and spending more valuable time with Mum and Dad.

Lots of sun soaking and belly busting meals later, the Wedding day arrived very quickly. It was a beautiful day outside and I sparkled in my gorgeous size 6 vintage hand glass beaded dress. We met up with Mum, Dad, and a few other guests before being whisked away in a white limousine. Mum was quite taken with the whole red carpet vibe and demanded I took lots of picture of her next to the Limousine. The short car ride took us to the wedding ceremony at the Disney Pavilion. A magical venue set on its own private island and surrounded by a Lagoon. The interior is decorated in ivory shades with floor to ceiling windows. There was a large stage at the front with a massive window behind framing Disney’s Magic Kingdom in the background. We waited anxiously for the bride and suddenly the violinist broke into 'Somewhere over the rainbow.' The doors opened slowly like a fairytale. The bride looked exquisite in a strapless ivory gown encrusted at the bust in Swarovski crystals. The back had a beautiful 18th century style bustle which was intricately laced to conceal the train. I was a complete woos and quite teary which then started her off when she saw how I was! The ceremony and vows were tastefully executed with the magic and sparkle of Disney without all the cheesy Mickey Mouse shite.

The ceremony was followed by an 8 course meal at the Grand Floridian Hotel. An opulent welcoming establishment only a short drive away. Dinner was an intimate personal affair of 20 guests which worked really well. I was very impressed as we each had personalised menu’s and because I have food allergies had special recipes prepared. I know this was part of honeymoon, but I loved that Mum and Dad had been invited two. The reception speeches were an emotional event followed by cake, champagne & mingling. Outside the reception suite in the foyer there was a live orchestra. I couldn’t resist asking if they knew anything from Breakfast at Tiffany's and to my delight, the band master smiled as he launched into Moon River. I grinned at René, it brought all the loving memories back of our own wedding day! The perfect end to another beautiful wedding......

After a great week in Georgia, Rene, Mum, Dad and I took a 12 hour Greyhound bus ride to Orlando for Sal & Drews wedding at Disney. It was great to see how massive America is. Couldn't belive how massive the people were either! Lovely natured and very generous, but huge! We went through some real hill billy country before pulling into a bus staion for a break. While there, I nipped into the ladies loo to be faced with something I was not prepared to witness. I turned the corner to be confrounted by a stout 'god fearing' looking women, who had a leg cocked awkwardly near the basin. Was she doing what I think she was? Yes people, its true! I had to look two, three, four times, but the women had her legs spread over the sink. Skirt hitched up. Washing her punani in the sink with a vengance. Her hand motion rocking back and forth against the sound of swishing water definatly confirmed that there was some punani rinsing going on there! Maybe she was on the way to meet her man so I dont blame her, but did she have to let the whole world in on it? I rushed into the nearest cubicle laughing and couldn't wait to get out and share my vision with the others. I just thank God there was no aroma to go with it otherwise I think I would have thrown up!

On the way back from the farm one day the main junction outside the farm was very busy. Mum was a little hesitant and then pulled out in front of a large truck and let me tell you its not just the arses that are bigger over hear. These trucks are like steel dinosaurs soaring over the tarmac. He dropped back when he saw mum pull out but for some reason she didn’t get into the right lane and we were speeding down the wrong side of the road for several yards with traffic hurtling towards us in the distance. We guided her over to the right lane. I apologised through the back window to the brotha driving the dinosaur. I was really scared and a bit shaken but we are all alive to tell the tale! A couple of days later we are supposed to go to my sisters for dinner but she calls to say that she had witnessed a horrific accident on the highway and had to go to provide evidence for a police report. What happened was a woman was driving at 80 mph down the wrong side of the motorway and had a head on collision with a man coming in the right direction. The women in the wrong survived but tragically the man in the right lane coming the other way was killed. His car was a mangled wreck as he was travelling quite fast too and the impact sent the car engine onto the grass verge. My sister’s husband got out to see if the passengers were ok. He saw a woman slumped over her wheel and the old man in the other vehicle was trapped inside the mangled wreck gasping for air. Someone leaned in to check his pulse but tragically died while these checks were being carried out. 2 families devastated by one women’s stupidity. My sister and her family were only 2 cars behind the victim and it could have been them. It’s so easy to take life for granted and it’s hard not to think about your own mortality, how and when you will go. How will I feel if I get a phone call telling me someone I love has passed? If it’s your time it’s your time, the only thing we can do is make the most of life while we are here.

Its Mother’s day this Sunday and it was lovely to be able to spend the time with her. There was a Church event on the Saturday for all the mothers and I was happy for just the two of us to go along. I knew she would be showing me off to all her friends. We laughed, sang and nearly snoozed during the sermon, but we won the raffle though so it wasn’t all fire and brimstone!! Mum also one a prize for the most unusual object in her handbag, tin foil of all things!! My brothers and sisters always used to laugh as she always had loads of shite in her bag. I remember finding chicken bones in the bottom once!
I am so proud of her, she had come so far….both her and dad. It’s the second time my parents admirably upped and left a country to nest in another. The last time was 6 years ago when they left England after 49 years to move to the US. First to Florida and now in Georgia to be nearer my sister and the grand kids. They have a gorgeous 4 bed property in an up and coming area which is sure to increase in value as the land around them is slowing be bought up and built on. Mum is still the household anchor. The driver, cook, bill paying, nurse, everything really. She’d been through so much and is tough as ever but she is no spring chicken and soon to reach 70 years. They have just bought their second property with a little farm. It’s a little run down but has a real charm inside its two Acers of land. Chickens, goats and 2 dogs called Fuzzy and Marley keep the farm ticking over and their kitchen full of fresh eggs and meat. My dad (the black David Bellamy if you will) is in his element as the previous owner had 7 horses on the land which means he can plant to his hearts content with the ground rich in nutrients from the horse shit.

Its finally Mothers Sunday and we rise early to eat and go to church. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel resentful about going. I wanted her to be proud of me. It was mother’s day after all so i slipped into a deep purple chiffon dress and tied a cream silk corsage around my wrist. She beamed when she saw me emerge from the bedroom. The singing was great, its the only bit of the service I enjoy and was quite happy clapping and rocking along. It was a predominantly white congregation but these folks surprising had plenty of Pentecostal sprit! Mum and dad were in the chior and and I watched and smiled as they sang their hearts out and raised their hands to heaven as the praised god. I know its really bad but the only other bit of the service I enjoy is when they start doing all the heavy praying and laying hands on heads and shit. Lard have mercy, I never thought I would see white people catch the Pentecostal spirit like all the sista' and brotha's in my old church!!!! One guy was fitting and shaking like he had rabies and some would just screen out and faint on the floor!! When I was little it was my brothers & sisters favourite part of the service. We studied the spirit firring hard as we knew there would lots of laughing later when we felt it was our duty to re-inact the Holy Ghost scenes!! I had my camcorder with me so I made sure I took lots of footage to take back to England. Maybe I'll put some snippets on you tube!! Do you think I'll go to hell for that???

My parents have always been god fearing people and something would have been wrong if there were no gospel, sermons or singing during my Honeymoon visit. Being in America however, has been a completely different kettle of fish than the UK. The TV channels are littered with gospel channels with thousands of people searching for someone to guide them on the path that will take them straight to Jesus. I use the word littered literally as a lot of them talked a lot of horseshit and most of the programmes looked like God fearing versions of Ricky Lake! The large, packed auditoriums with ministers waving bigger ego’s than glory itself. They march up and down the stage, dipping, screaming, waving there ares to make sure their ‘message from god’ is force fed with guaranteed indigestion. Lapping up the adoration of the 1000's of fans. Not the congregation? The fans. Unfortunately this is an area where people are vulnerable and in the wrong hands I suspect that a lot of these ‘leaders’ are in it for the money and the fame and not the spiritual well being of their flock. Reams of people getting ‘in the spirit’ black and white I might ad! During our car journey home, a preacher was screeching and carrying on on the radio about the satanic practise of homosexuality. He rabbited on for ages while I roiled my eyes in the back and bit my tongue. I couldn’t stand much more of it so I asked mum to play the tape that was there. Still more God fearing screaming but at least I would not have to listen to the arse hole who was on before. This preacher who is so adamant and aggressive about the demonic wrongs of homosexuality probably takes it up the arse anyway!!

Its amazing what happens when you really get the opportunity to switch off from the daily grind. I hadn't realised how disconnected I had become from René until we came away on this trip. I could feel the stress melting as the plane glided over the Atlantic and I began to see him again like the first time. His softness… the tenderness wrapped inside his masculinity. I also noticed for the first time in a long time how he looked at me. Really looked at me… what follows on from this reconnection is also a nookie re connection. The mischievous care