Sista..... Stand Up!

I'm on the tube on my way to meet R to go to our first scan since this all happened. The scan will tell us if the baby has downs. We have to have these extra tests due to my being an older mum. I took the whole day off work as my car was still not ready and I couldn’t get a lift in this time. My morning was mixture of so many emotions. First felt knackered when I work up, then after breakfast felt like I needed a filthy Jenna Jameson style rodgering! That soon went as I glimpse the huge mountain of washing up, which then brought on extreme annoyance and a few tears about what the outcome of this afternoon would be. Hormones eh?

We reach the Euston hospital in good time and didn’t have to wait long before being ushered into a small room. A wonderful midwife called Patricia talked us through what would happen during the scan and also gave me lots of advice about the birth. I asked about a more natural approach without intervention and she was the first person I had spoken too who was really positive about my way of thinking. She even loved the fact that I had considered having a home birth. Most people I had spoken too previously had all seemed to scare me because it was my first. Ok I am a first time mum and I don’t know if I’ll be screaming for an epidural but she was the first person who I felt was on my side giving me more options. Their is birthing unit in Edware which is pro natural birth but you can have gas & air also. I'll read up more on it on the web when I get home.

I felt confident about the scan but there was still a little side of me that wasn’t sure. I was so looking forward to seeing my little baby again. Cold jelly smeared onto my belly there she was. This time, it really did look little a little person. She danced inside me and the doctor had a bit of trouble checking her over as she moved. I could see her little hands, her profile, her spine, it was so wonderful. I thought I'd be a real woss and start crying again but I was just grinning! The nucal measurements are normal so so far the baby is not at risk of downs. Just have to wait for the blood test results next week to confirm for sure…. Still hard to get me head around what it will be like when the little one arrives!
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One of the strongest instincts I’ve had since this all happened is to question how eco my life is right now. I like to think that I’m quite aware of doing my bit for the environment but in practice was I really doing it?

From an eco perspective, I am the worlds worst for shopping and cluttering up the flat with things I convinced myself I needed. I have good intentions for making my home more cosy or feeling better about myself with a new item of clothing but these are just quick fixes that quite often end up squeezed in some corner or at the back of am already heaving cupboard! I have given myself so many lame excuses previously about why I need 36 pairs of black trousers but this time I vow to be ruthless! The ethical thing is a little trickier! The main thing I have found difficult is that although ethical shopping is the right way to go in theory, it can be a lot more expensive and when cash is huge priority what’s a skint mum to do?

From the moment I announced that I was pregnant, I’m bombarded with ‘expert’ opinions about what I should or shouldn’t do. Mothers flood me with horror stories of how traumatic their child birth was and tell me to book my Epidural today! As soon as I’m registered anywhere, I’m inundated with samples of Pampers, Johnsons, Avent etc etc. all the leading name brands that are supposedly ‘best’ for baby.

Call me cynical but I don’t always believe that just because something is a leading brand that it’s the best product. These large corporate companies have a clear money a gender with large advertising budgets and I’m not about to give them my cash unless I know the product is going to work for me and my family.

Now, I’ve never been a sheep following what others do, and giving birth to this baby is going to be no exception. Despite all the ‘expert’ advice I decide that I will read everything I can get my hands on about natural/holistic pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. I’m seeing a lot of raised eyebrows thinking, ‘Eco mother bolloc*s! You say that now but when giving birth feels like shitting a fridge, you'll be screaming for pain relief!' I have no idea how I’ll feel, I don’t even get period pains so I have no concept of what I’m getting myself into, but I’m sticking with my instincts and going as natural as I can. This was going to be another challenging chapter in my life where I would only follow my instinct as it has never failed me yet!

Well, it’s been one hell of a 3 months! I haven’t been blogging again for a while as I just found it hard to write about anything. My head has been so cluttered with so many different things that I just wanted to run away most of the time. R and I had not planned to have any kids at this time and being the control freak that I am have been totally caught off guard with this one! The first few weeks of the pregnancy I had a lot of doubt about my ability to be a good mother. The responsibility of running a tight ship at home and keeping my family happy is a tall order. Its not like I can go back when she’s an adult and change things so its important that I get it as right as I can as she grows up. No pressure then!!

The lack of money I’ll have once I give up work scares the shit out of me. How is the baby going to affect our sex life! The relationship? Our social life? How am I going to spread myself between a demanding baby and a rampant husband! After my initial freak out, I cry, vent my fears, calm down and now I’m taking one day at a time. Strangely enough, being pregnant seems to have made me less anxious about things in general than I was before....

I have my scan on Monday which will tell me if the baby has a high risk of Downs Syndrome. The doctor told me at the previous scan that they measure the fluid in a baby’s neck and the length will say if the child is high risk. He then goes onto assume that if there are issues, I will automatically want an abortion but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I could go ahead and kill the baby after seeing its heart beating at six weeks. It’s a big decision to have a less able bodied child and I'm not sure if I can do that either? We’ll see what happens…. I already love this little baby......

Yesterday was my parent’s 44th wedding anniversary! 44 years of love, laughs, fights, 6 kids (1 still born), a brain tumour, an affair, more sickness, 2 kids adopted, and then come the grandkids, emigration and happily ever after retirement in the USA. I'll never know how they stayed together through the years but I couldn't be happier that they did. I cant name any of my friends whose parents are still together.

.I'll never judge any couple that decides to get divorced as relationships need a lot of work hard and happy, separated singletons are better than a feuding man and wife. However, it does sometimes feel like marriage for allot of people just doesn’t work anymore. There is so much pressure generally on people for things both materially and emotionally which is a breeding ground for things to go wrong if not managed effectively. Once that Wedding day high subsides its time for the real work! Sex? Boredom? No cash? Kids? One day you wake up and he is not the prince you thought he was but the skint bloke from round the corner. He wakes up and realise that the fit size 8 model he married has become a 15 stone nag?

You can never predict how things are going to change you as a person as life. It’s the risk you take when you commit. I would like to think I would fight for my marriage when it hit the dark spots like my proud Jamaican Mother. After 40 odd years in the UK she’s living a beautiful self sufficient life in the US which she never expected. She always used to say ‘who laughs last laughs best!’ 080807

Decisions. Decisions. So many different choices to work through. The pregnancy, the birth and then the mammoth task of parenting. Hospital or home birth? Drugs or natural? Mum’s way or my way? Organic or regular? Stay at home or childcare? Breastfeed or bottle? Smacking or naughty step? It just makes my head spin!!

As a woman who has always followed my instinct, everything I read about being a green parent rings bells. The minute I start seeing things about being natural, ethical, eco etc. I want to read more. I don’t care about not having lots of money to buy lavish clothes and toys for baby, what matters to me is temperament, confidence, manners, honour, and respect within our family unit.

While filling my head with all these different methods it really hits me that I have to stop and think about how I run my life and if it will suit us as a family? All those things that I like to think I do but secretly don’t do nearly enough will be exposed when I have this baby. I want my child to grow up watching minimal TV, loving books, being creative, expressive, artistic. All the things that I never really seem to have time to do but know these are things that help me grow and learn! If I want her to do these things then I have to set an example. This is not just about bringing another child into the world, its something that’s about to challenge my every fear, insecurity, and avoidance. If I want the best for my baby, I have to start with am I doing the best for me?

My lord, this pregnancy lark is a whole knew world….. It’s hard to describe how I feel physically but it’s as if I have heated energy rushing around my abdomen. I‘ve decided to keep quiet about the pregnancy for the first 3 months as these are the most vulnerable weeks. The foetus is much more stable with less chance of miscarriage after that. I’m no spring chicken and I can’t help but worry a little about how my age will affect the child.

It’s really hard being at work when I feel sick along with all the resignation drama. Whoever defined ‘morning sickness’ should be karate chopped! It lasts all friggin day! I bet it was a bloke that started that! Thank God for peppermint or ginger which works great for nausea. I also feel much less sickness since taking my prenatal vitamins.

My belly often swells in the evening and goes down in the morning so I'm already having to adjust my clothing. No major moods swings yet though, a few tears while on the phone to mum one night but no urge to swing a machete around my husbands peanut head as yet.....

Despite the baby being really little, it’s hard not to get attached. I talk to her (don’t know sex for sure but feel it’s a girl) during my car journeys to work... I tell her how lovely her dad is and how much she’ll love him when they meet. I also play her music in the car as they can hear around 23 weeks old. She’s bound to love Shirley Bassy as I keep blasting ‘I am what I am!'

One evening I was talking about how nauseous I was feeling and R was doing his best to make me feel more positive but it just sounded so insincere. I felt like whacking him but the truth is, he can never really understand it from my point of view because he’s not having the same feelings, hormones or emotions. I have to just get my head around the fact that he'll do his best to support me, but ultimately this is one hell of a journey I have to do alone.

I have to take responsibility for myself. I will also be the main carer and I am absolutely terrified! Terrified of getting it wrong. Terrified of not living up to everyone’s expectations. Terrified the baby will grow up and hate me for doing a shit job! I also know that I don’t want to be a conventional mum with pampers and Johnson’s baby crap with lots of chemicals. I would do everything as naturally as possible using real terry nappies and being as eco as I can. I’ll have read whatever I can get my hands on to prepare.

I’ll have to get my shit together financially also as it’ll be me giving up work. Very scary but stuff that I have to get my head around if I want to be ready for this baby. First things first, I get on the internet and order a book on optimum nutrition for pregnancy, then nosey around some websites with message boards for first time mums.

I ask Mama Heaven to sharpen my instincts and help me deal with my fear of change. I want to enjoy these changes so I'm determined to start as I mean to go on....

This last week has been the weirdest time of my life. I'm going from feeling happy at the prospect of having a cute little baby, to feeling insecure and overwhelmed. No matter how liberal your man can be, it does ultimately fall on the women to make it happen.

Am I good enough to be a mother? Can I handle the pain of childbirth? How will it affect my relationship and will I still be the bedroom whore my husband loves after I‘ve given birth? What will happen to my punani? Will I become a ‘Tena’ lady??!? As much as i'll love the little bundle, will I resent not having my own space and time? OMG What about my shoe addition? I'll have withdrawal?? The truth is I’ll never really understand how much my life will change until it actually happens.

I make an immediate appointment to the see the doctor to find out the next step. I decided I would not go steaming in all guns blazing to talk about suing the hospital. I was told that my contraception had not been touched so why the fig am I now pregnant? I would take it real easy. I packed the plastic cigar still glaring at me from the bathroom along with some fresh pee in case of a retest.

I don’t have to wait long before I‘m sat in front of a bald thickset Asian doctor. I explain that the hospital advised after my previous op that my coil had not been taken out. I had not had a period for 6 weeks and was now in procession of a positive pregnancy test? He explained that the coil was not 100% safe and said it is possible that it could still be inside. He had experienced babies which had been born without removing the coil but also had had situations where removal had brought on miscarriage.

He was a little preoccupied with if would keep the baby or not and seemed quite relived when I said I defiantly would. He advised that the coil was normally removed during the procedure I had, but they should have replaced it and could not understand why I was pregnant. His first priority was to get me booked in for a scan to see if the coil was still inside. My instinct tells me that there is no coil but its better to sure.....

Y'all know how stressed I’ve been the last few weeks about work so I weighed myself and was a little surprised that I was still 8.5 stone? Weight normally drops off me when I’m stressed.

I was due to come on soon so I put it down to that. At the beginning of this week mama heaven told me something was up as I was a little late (which I never am), and my boobs were very swollen. There was no way I could be pregnant as I had little somethin’ somethin’ to stop that happening. Hang on, could anything have changed since my punani operation?

I went into the shower and began thinking all sorts of things. Did they remove my contraception during operation and not tell me? Am I carrying a little bun? There was a whoooole lot of jiggy going on during the honeymoon and since we got back so there was plenty of fish in the sea!!! FUCK could I be? Ren had already gone to work so I decide to say nothing until later this evening.

I had driven to work with my hand break on and buggered my car so he picks me up from work. Still annoyed with myself about the handbrake, I tell him in the car park about my disappearing IUD. He is unsurprisingly cool as usual and I suggest we get test. My instinct had already told me that I'm pregnant but I just needed the proof.

It’s now 6.30pm and I'm staring down, watery eyed at what looks like a flat plastic tampon with lines inside little windows. Anyone who has had one of these in their hand knows exactly what I’m talking about. Well.... I didn’t even have to wait the length of time they suggest for the result. The window showed crystal clear that I was indeed pregnant........ 21.6.07

My boss had been off all week and I was dreading spending the time in the office with the buyer especially after he had been rubbishing me but it was not half as bad as I thought t was going to be. Funnily enough I was much calmer this week, but I think that’s because I had made up my mind to leave and would not have to deal with this place for much longer. Why was this happening to me? Why was I being challenged in this way and what was the bigger meaning behind this madness. Although I knew that the training was shit and he had been unfair in his assumption, I was still beating myself up about not picking things up immediately. As Thursday approached I slept less. Wednesday evening I tweaked the letter some more and picked out a stylish outfit for my resignation moment. It was important to me that she understood that she was not only going to loose a bright women but also a stylish one. I decided that I would tell her on her own when the buyer had gone to lunch. The morning dragged on, I said very little and went through different speeches over and over in my head as to what was appropriate. Despite being angry and upset, I still wanted to remain dignified without launching into a defensive torrent of abuse about how shit her training was and the buyer was dinosaur has been who can’t even spell spreadsheet.

I didn’t anticipate them both going off to lunch together so I sent her an email asking her for chat when she got back so he would be less aware.

My vision of it being a controlled dignified discussion went down the toilet as the pressure built up over the weeks (way before my honeymoon) sent out floods of tears. I expressed how unhappy I was in the role, and wanted to resign. I was feeling constantly overwhelmed by the responsibilities because the training had not matched the intensity of the requirements to do a good job. I explained that while I understood her intentions for telling me about the buyer complaining, I felt it was unfair based on the lack of training and the holidays they both had (leaving me on my own ) since I had been there. I was also extremely upset that in light of their absence and lack of 1 on 1 training, he still doubted my ability to the point where she was saying she had to ‘fight my corner??’ I surprised myself by being so emotional but I just couldn’t help it. I then went on to say how I had written a list of pro’s and cons list and the reasons to go was much longer. 6k pay cut, less holidays, longer hours, the driving etc etc etc. She was very upset and apologised profusely because of the training situation. If the main reason I would leave was because of the training and the Buyer situation, then she asked that I would give her a chance to rectify things. She had had really good feedback about me from other management and she could not let someone like me leave because of something she had failed to do. I was more than capable of doing the job. She was understanding about the money etc and said that would have to be my decision but promised sincerely that if the main reason was the training etc then she would intensify the training over the next few weeks to give me the tools I needed to do the job.

She finally asked that I keep the conversation between the two of us, and take the weekend to think about things. Something tells me she would have been in deep shit if I left because of training as they were currently recruiting for 10 other people in the same position! If someone with my experience is leaving she would have had to answer some very awkward questions. Especially as I was close to the Operations Director!!

After the events of Wednesday my nerves are back in that all consuming stressful place I promised myself I would never return to during the honeymoon.

It has been really hurtful that the buyer has been saying about me when I had only been back 2 days from holiday. What is the bigger life lesson in this for me?? Despite being really hurt I don’t want to be bitter towards them and I’m looking for how I can use this situation to bring about a position ending.

With hindsight I think my boss did me a favour by telling me what he had been saying as it made me see things for what they really are and stop trying to convince myself that I could stay in that position and be happy. I accepted the role when I was desperate for work after leaving HOF and there was no excitement for me about the new role. Maybe that’s what the buyer picked up on?? Even if I had been mildly bothered about the role, from what I see and hear from the other employees in the same role is that its not pretty. Many stay much longer than there working hours unpaid, the workload is extremely intense and there does not seem to be a lot of reward or recognition for this.

I don’t think I really accepted just how much the House of Fraser redundancy hit me and this new situation has really knocked my confidence again. Although the redundancy was not personal this new issue in addition has brought up a lot old wounds of feeling like ‘the stupid nigger who can’t learn anything or succeed.’

The bottom line is that I have compiled a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go and the reasons to go won. My boss is on holiday again until Wednesday so I hold off until she gets back. I’ll be writing my letter of resignation today and will hand it in during my update review on Friday.

I‘m now back on British soil and feeling that depressive holiday come down. The dreaded thought of going back to work had bugged my brain since we took off from Miami.

The first day back was ok as I just had a million emails to read but  yesterday, I left work feeling absolutely crushed. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into a private meeting to tell me that her boss (the buyer) said he 'was not convinced' about my being right for the job! She acknowledged that a lot of it was down to her not doing the structured training she promised. But said he was getting on her nerves as she was  having to fight my corner!!!! Fight my corner? Fight my corner for what? I had had my review before going on holiday where although it was a bit of a shaky start, he seemed happy with what I was doing??? When did this all come from in my 2 days back. I had 250 emails to read on day one. I also to re-familiarise myself with everything and there was never a time that I sat on my arse doing nothing. I may not have always got the task priorities right in their eyes but I communicated what I was doing and there were no objections at any point...  Ahhh fuck this place!!  Why waist my energy! I'm so pissed right now; I can't even bring myself to write anymore......

Amoungst the moments of sunning myself in the Bahama sun, I realise how much time I spend being anxious about something or another back at home.... The main cause being not being in the presant. Always worrying about, today, tomorrow, next week,next year. Planning, schedules, lists, totally fretin' and forgetting how to enjoy what is happening in front of me. Even now, it's the last 2 days of the cruise and my mind is wondering back to London and all the bullshit 'shoulds' waiting for me. One of the things I have learnt on this trip is to accept the gift of the present! Acknowledging the chatter that races through my mind but not getting attached to what is there until I really need to. I have'nt read as much as I wanted to but but I did find time to write. My love of writing has sent me on several voyges, asking myself questions about what I want from life and re-steering my everyday existance towards my happy ending. Down deep, I know there is still so much more for me to do and life still had few more surprises for me. During your life, you can choose to be ordinary or extr-ordinary? The extra on frount of extrodinary represents all the extra little things you do to reach your goal. They don't have to big things, just consistant and heart felt. 'Mama Heaven' will take care of the rest.......

This trip has helped me reconnect to Rene also, remembering how and why we fell in love. We touched and looked at each other differently and the tenderness was out in abundance. Last night I made up my mind to have some extra special 'night food' so I showered early and while he was in there I slipped into a red satin underwear set from Agent Provocature that he had bought for me on our first Valentines day as a couple. I slipped on the red feather mules I bought to match and took some pictures of myself before I heard the shower switch off. I remember thinking this would be a great night if we were trying for a baby. That time will have its day. No need to tell you what happen next :-)

I went to get a drink at the bar after a long sun session and was very annoyed that my drink receipt showed that a percentage of what I had paid was tip. These people are obsessed with tipping! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but my idea of what a tip is is to pay extra for a service you feel was well done? Now I dont mind paying a tip if its my choice but NOT for it to be taken automatically. We had already shelled out enough money for this cruise part of which we had to to pay for compulsary gratuatis and now I am a little annoyed that we have to fork out even more for every little thing we buy on board! So even if you get shite service they still chare you the grtuatis!! What kind of bullshit is that! Is anyone with me on this??

It's a Royal Carribbean cruise trip starting in Miami, around the Bahamas, then to Key West and ending back in Miami to fly home. We get onto the boat pretty quickly and find our cabin which is small but clean and cosy. I am amazed at the boat size and still have no idea how something so mighty can float on water! Once we unpack a little, we have a nozy round. This place is like a massive shopping mall and you would never know you were on water if it were not the gentle movement of the water beneath you. There was a theatre show, bingo, a casino, gym, shopping Yoga, a large pool and spa, the list is endless. Lots to do but all I really want to do is soak up as much sun as possible before we get back to freezing England!

With most of the honeymoon over and only a few days left on the cruise thoughts of home start to creep back into my head. Everytime I leave home on holiday, I vow to do things differently when I get back. Somehow, I always seem to get sucked back into the madness and end up not doing the creative things I really want to do... I dont want to spend too much time thinking about home before its time so I focus on enjoying the sun, sea and whatever else might pop up on the cruise.

We would only be hear from a few days so we wanted to pack as much in as possible. I checked out the gay scene to see if there was anything intersting happening. Unfortunately we missed the huge weekly drag night but there was a great sex museum (World Erotic Art Museum)in town that we just had to visit! There were also some great bars that we would hit tomorrow.

The pool in the hotel was a little rough so we went across the road to the beach before heading down to the Sex Museum. This place was amazing. It was some old pensioner called Naomi Wilzig whose son was into erotic art and got her into it too!! The place was heaving with numerous sexual artifacts. Historical along with tonge in cheek pieces. The funniest thing I liked, was a large four poster bed with each collum shaped into 4 gigantic wooden penises! There was also this masturbating bench which vibrated with a huge noisy fallic metal erection in the middle which moved up and down quite agressively. The museum owner told us that she aquired it from an old porn set where the ladies would lower themselves onto the fallic piece! She switch the machine on and we all laughed as the metal dick shunted forwards and backwards! If you fancy a sneaky peak at some of the pieces you can check it out at www.weam.com

Dinner in the evening also turned out to be just as entertaining as our lunch time gallavant. There was this huge bar/club which was buzzing with loud music and beautiful people. The bar staff were all stunning, tanned and looked Mexican/Brazilian. They spent just as much time pouring cocktails as they did cavorting on top of the bars. We had dinner upstairs then sat and people watched.

Right below us at the bar we noticed a female couple (one of whom was extremly butch) who were in flirtatious conversation with a black female bartender. She too was gorgeous of course! I gestured over to Rene to look to see if anything was going on there.... After a few minutes observing, we made out that the butch one was trying to chat up the bar tender and she was just stringing her along and teasing her. The butch one was clearly drunk and after a few exchanges proceeded to flash her sagging, wrinkly breasts to her and the rest of us!!! We laughed so hard we could not belive our eyes!! the bar tender was clearly shocked but this did not stop her flirting further!! We kept watching and she did it again!!!! I wouldn't have minded if they had been pert and full but Lord, someone needs to tell that women to keep those wrinkly sacks of spuds where they belong!!!

These few days here have been the best days of the honeymoon so far and we still have the cruize to go before we head home.... to be honest, I didn't care if the cruse was aload of shite as this Miami experience was beyond fabulous!!!!

We left Disney and arrived at Miami Int airport at around 2pm to carry on our honeymoon. As the taxi touched the edge of South Beach towards our hotel, my grin windened. I had read a little of what South Beach was about but I had no idea that this place was rockin' so hard! Funnily enough, this place was only supposed to be a pit stop while we waited for our Bahamas cruise to set sail, but I knew as soon as we saw this place we were going to have some fun. The Art Deco architecture was stunning, and it was wall to wall buff central. A completely different culture from Georcgia which was heaving with 20 stone people. This joint had health shops on every corner. What was even more fabulous was the strong gay presence which always means that there's gonna be some lively shit going on. We had booked into the cool 1930's Park Central Hotel which had a stylish vintage car parked outside. Right opposite, was a clear, tacky souvenir free, golden beach! Heaven! Check it out www.theparkcentral.com

Once checked in we discovered it was not 5 star glamour, but some how that didn't matter. The staff were very hospitable and the history of the place combined with the vibe forgave everything else. As soon as we we're unpacked, we're excited to take a long walk along Ocean Drive in the gorgeous sunshine. Now i really feel like I'm on Honeymoon! This Joint really is buff central. Pert titties? BAM! High tight Arse? PAHH, Bag a sugar bicepts? BIFF!! Weeeeeee, a buff coffee coloured queen skates passed us backwards in between the traffic saturated with Hummers and more vintage convertables. I Fuckin' love this place! I'm never going home!......

We arrived in Orlando surprisingly refreshed. The resort housed large clusters of varying sized stylish villas. We were taken in a small buggy to our lovely little suite next to a small pool. We have a couple of days to chill before the wedding so we had a great time chatting to the other wedding guests and spending more valuable time with Mum and Dad.

Lots of sun soaking and belly busting meals later, the Wedding day arrived very quickly. It was a beautiful day outside and I sparkled in my gorgeous size 6 vintage hand glass beaded dress. We met up with Mum, Dad, and a few other guests before being whisked away in a white limousine. Mum was quite taken with the whole red carpet vibe and demanded I took lots of picture of her next to the Limousine. The short car ride took us to the wedding ceremony at the Disney Pavilion. A magical venue set on its own private island and surrounded by a Lagoon. The interior is decorated in ivory shades with floor to ceiling windows. There was a large stage at the front with a massive window behind framing Disney’s Magic Kingdom in the background. We waited anxiously for the bride and suddenly the violinist broke into 'Somewhere over the rainbow.' The doors opened slowly like a fairytale. The bride looked exquisite in a strapless ivory gown encrusted at the bust in Swarovski crystals. The back had a beautiful 18th century style bustle which was intricately laced to conceal the train. I was a complete woos and quite teary which then started her off when she saw how I was! The ceremony and vows were tastefully executed with the magic and sparkle of Disney without all the cheesy Mickey Mouse shite.

The ceremony was followed by an 8 course meal at the Grand Floridian Hotel. An opulent welcoming establishment only a short drive away. Dinner was an intimate personal affair of 20 guests which worked really well. I was very impressed as we each had personalised menu’s and because I have food allergies had special recipes prepared. I know this was part of honeymoon, but I loved that Mum and Dad had been invited two. The reception speeches were an emotional event followed by cake, champagne & mingling. Outside the reception suite in the foyer there was a live orchestra. I couldn’t resist asking if they knew anything from Breakfast at Tiffany's and to my delight, the band master smiled as he launched into Moon River. I grinned at René, it brought all the loving memories back of our own wedding day! The perfect end to another beautiful wedding......

After a great week in Georgia, Rene, Mum, Dad and I took a 12 hour Greyhound bus ride to Orlando for Sal & Drews wedding at Disney. It was great to see how massive America is. Couldn't belive how massive the people were either! Lovely natured and very generous, but huge! We went through some real hill billy country before pulling into a bus staion for a break. While there, I nipped into the ladies loo to be faced with something I was not prepared to witness. I turned the corner to be confrounted by a stout 'god fearing' looking women, who had a leg cocked awkwardly near the basin. Was she doing what I think she was? Yes people, its true! I had to look two, three, four times, but the women had her legs spread over the sink. Skirt hitched up. Washing her punani in the sink with a vengance. Her hand motion rocking back and forth against the sound of swishing water definatly confirmed that there was some punani rinsing going on there! Maybe she was on the way to meet her man so I dont blame her, but did she have to let the whole world in on it? I rushed into the nearest cubicle laughing and couldn't wait to get out and share my vision with the others. I just thank God there was no aroma to go with it otherwise I think I would have thrown up!

On the way back from the farm one day the main junction outside the farm was very busy. Mum was a little hesitant and then pulled out in front of a large truck and let me tell you its not just the arses that are bigger over hear. These trucks are like steel dinosaurs soaring over the tarmac. He dropped back when he saw mum pull out but for some reason she didn’t get into the right lane and we were speeding down the wrong side of the road for several yards with traffic hurtling towards us in the distance. We guided her over to the right lane. I apologised through the back window to the brotha driving the dinosaur. I was really scared and a bit shaken but we are all alive to tell the tale! A couple of days later we are supposed to go to my sisters for dinner but she calls to say that she had witnessed a horrific accident on the highway and had to go to provide evidence for a police report. What happened was a woman was driving at 80 mph down the wrong side of the motorway and had a head on collision with a man coming in the right direction. The women in the wrong survived but tragically the man in the right lane coming the other way was killed. His car was a mangled wreck as he was travelling quite fast too and the impact sent the car engine onto the grass verge. My sister’s husband got out to see if the passengers were ok. He saw a woman slumped over her wheel and the old man in the other vehicle was trapped inside the mangled wreck gasping for air. Someone leaned in to check his pulse but tragically died while these checks were being carried out. 2 families devastated by one women’s stupidity. My sister and her family were only 2 cars behind the victim and it could have been them. It’s so easy to take life for granted and it’s hard not to think about your own mortality, how and when you will go. How will I feel if I get a phone call telling me someone I love has passed? If it’s your time it’s your time, the only thing we can do is make the most of life while we are here.

Its Mother’s day this Sunday and it was lovely to be able to spend the time with her. There was a Church event on the Saturday for all the mothers and I was happy for just the two of us to go along. I knew she would be showing me off to all her friends. We laughed, sang and nearly snoozed during the sermon, but we won the raffle though so it wasn’t all fire and brimstone!! Mum also one a prize for the most unusual object in her handbag, tin foil of all things!! My brothers and sisters always used to laugh as she always had loads of shite in her bag. I remember finding chicken bones in the bottom once!
I am so proud of her, she had come so far….both her and dad. It’s the second time my parents admirably upped and left a country to nest in another. The last time was 6 years ago when they left England after 49 years to move to the US. First to Florida and now in Georgia to be nearer my sister and the grand kids. They have a gorgeous 4 bed property in an up and coming area which is sure to increase in value as the land around them is slowing be bought up and built on. Mum is still the household anchor. The driver, cook, bill paying, nurse, everything really. She’d been through so much and is tough as ever but she is no spring chicken and soon to reach 70 years. They have just bought their second property with a little farm. It’s a little run down but has a real charm inside its two Acers of land. Chickens, goats and 2 dogs called Fuzzy and Marley keep the farm ticking over and their kitchen full of fresh eggs and meat. My dad (the black David Bellamy if you will) is in his element as the previous owner had 7 horses on the land which means he can plant to his hearts content with the ground rich in nutrients from the horse shit.

Its finally Mothers Sunday and we rise early to eat and go to church. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel resentful about going. I wanted her to be proud of me. It was mother’s day after all so i slipped into a deep purple chiffon dress and tied a cream silk corsage around my wrist. She beamed when she saw me emerge from the bedroom. The singing was great, its the only bit of the service I enjoy and was quite happy clapping and rocking along. It was a predominantly white congregation but these folks surprising had plenty of Pentecostal sprit! Mum and dad were in the chior and and I watched and smiled as they sang their hearts out and raised their hands to heaven as the praised god. I know its really bad but the only other bit of the service I enjoy is when they start doing all the heavy praying and laying hands on heads and shit. Lard have mercy, I never thought I would see white people catch the Pentecostal spirit like all the sista' and brotha's in my old church!!!! One guy was fitting and shaking like he had rabies and some would just screen out and faint on the floor!! When I was little it was my brothers & sisters favourite part of the service. We studied the spirit firring hard as we knew there would lots of laughing later when we felt it was our duty to re-inact the Holy Ghost scenes!! I had my camcorder with me so I made sure I took lots of footage to take back to England. Maybe I'll put some snippets on you tube!! Do you think I'll go to hell for that???

My parents have always been god fearing people and something would have been wrong if there were no gospel, sermons or singing during my Honeymoon visit. Being in America however, has been a completely different kettle of fish than the UK. The TV channels are littered with gospel channels with thousands of people searching for someone to guide them on the path that will take them straight to Jesus. I use the word littered literally as a lot of them talked a lot of horseshit and most of the programmes looked like God fearing versions of Ricky Lake! The large, packed auditoriums with ministers waving bigger ego’s than glory itself. They march up and down the stage, dipping, screaming, waving there ares to make sure their ‘message from god’ is force fed with guaranteed indigestion. Lapping up the adoration of the 1000's of fans. Not the congregation? The fans. Unfortunately this is an area where people are vulnerable and in the wrong hands I suspect that a lot of these ‘leaders’ are in it for the money and the fame and not the spiritual well being of their flock. Reams of people getting ‘in the spirit’ black and white I might ad! During our car journey home, a preacher was screeching and carrying on on the radio about the satanic practise of homosexuality. He rabbited on for ages while I roiled my eyes in the back and bit my tongue. I couldn’t stand much more of it so I asked mum to play the tape that was there. Still more God fearing screaming but at least I would not have to listen to the arse hole who was on before. This preacher who is so adamant and aggressive about the demonic wrongs of homosexuality probably takes it up the arse anyway!!

Its amazing what happens when you really get the opportunity to switch off from the daily grind. I hadn't realised how disconnected I had become from René until we came away on this trip. I could feel the stress melting as the plane glided over the Atlantic and I began to see him again like the first time. His softness… the tenderness wrapped inside his masculinity. I also noticed for the first time in a long time how he looked at me. Really looked at me… what follows on from this reconnection is also a nookie re connection. The mischievous care free nookie that makes you feel like a teenager again. (not that I was having great sex as a teenager… I was more like a-bag-o-spuds in those days!) Mum and dad had just bought a second property which we visited on our second day in Georgia. Dad said we could hang out and watch telly whatever. he had some odd jobs he wanted to do out in the grounds so he left us too it. We looked around the house which was very quaint but in need of some desperate tlc and before we knew it we were bonking on the bedroom floor carpet. We could see dad through the window down at the bottom of the garden to check he was not coming back!!! I did feel a little guilty my folks being god fearing an’ all, but it was so naughty! As penance, I went out and helped dad feed the chickens grinning throughout the whole thing!!

After Mum and Dad returned from the UK I received an uncomfortable phone call from big sis telling me that mum had returned to the US broke hearted over the treatment she recd from my brothers. As I sat on the sofa of her hew home she gave me the disturbing details. My older brother has always been a bit of a misnomer. Means well, but seems to have allowed himself to let his love of drink consume him. Somewhere along the line, the alcohol had become his trusted friend. I don't know what goes on in his head but I feel that he never quite got his confidence up to a level where he believed he had a right to exist in the world and be who he wanted to be. The drink obviously takes the edge off the way he feels about himself and now his trusted friend has become his silent controlling, destructive enemy.

While Mum & Dad were over for the funeral Mum was adamant that as the funeral was in Ipswich she should stay no place else but with her sons there. I was not sure if this was a good idea as I wondered what the living arrangements would be, but said nothing as I didn't want to be a bitch. My older brother rented a council flat and my younger one stayed their occasionally when he hadn’t been thrown out by his girlfriend. Unfortunately I was right, the flat turned out to be a hovel. Neither brother had made any effort to prepare for mum and dads arrival. Empty boxes, years of spilt grease all over the kitchen, filthy clothes, black (use to white bedding,) and no food.
After clearing away the boxes and making up her own bed in the room were she would be sleeping, she then faced the prospect of nothing to make tea or food! Yes you heard right, your mum comes to visit and not only do you not clean up but you have no cups for you mum who was probably breast fed on tea but also did not get any food in to feed them!! It gets worse, my older brother slept permanently in the living room and as the evening drew in he opened the front door to a trashy looking chav who proceeded to undress in the living room and crawl topless under the stained sheet in front of my parents! They both light up fags and chat on as normal!!. Not, 'oh my parents are here, cover yourself,' or 'lets smoke outside to respect my parents. The worthless piece of shit seemed oblivious to the situation. When I initially heard about all this I was straight on the phone to one of my brothers. I was not interested in the details of who said what. All I cared about was that Mum was very upset and they had a responsibility to explain to them why they were treated with such little respect......
To make matters even worse she showed me an article that my younger brothers ex girlfriend’s had sent. She got breast cancer and had got a large compensation pay out due to a hospital blunder. My brother told her that he would invest it and proceeded to squander thousands of pounds of the cash on himself. When she realised a large portion of the money had gone and she realised he was bullshitting her it was too late!
Mum sobbed on the sofa as she recalled coming all the way from Jamaica as a young girl, worked her arse off in England for so many years only to witness the disrespect and malicious doings of her sons.... He goes to court soon, I hope the tosser he gets sent down for it!!!!

The time has finally arived for our long awaited honeymoon!! The last few days before we flew out had been a little stressful and we were both desparate for a break and getting getting on each other nerves.
The flight was half empty which was good as we could stretch out!! Its the first time I had flown BA for some time and now I remeber why!! The food and films were shite and I'm vowing to demand Virgin in future. As the plane soared over the Atlantic it was great to feel all the stresses fall away and what took its place was a much more relaxed focused Sista!! You forget how much daily life takes out of you and its easy to loose quaity time for yourself and your loved ones because you are trying to keep out with all the trivia.
As the stress fell away, the minx rose to the surface and with the help of a British Airways blanket and some bare faced cheek we joined the Mile High BJ club!!! He He He.... I pretented to be asleep with the blanket up past my nose as the flight attendants and other passengers walked passed none the wiser!!! What a marvellous opening (excuse the pun)to our long awaited honeymoon!!!

The man responsible for naming me (My great Uncle) has died. He came from Jamaica to work in England for many years before retiring back to Jamaica. On hearing he had cancer he came back to the UK to be with the rest of his family where he wife took care of him till he died. I wasn't very clsoe to him but I know he loved a drink and always remember him being quite flash with an eye for the ladies. He kind of reminded me of a black Jimmy Saville with his jingle jangle gold. Mum and dad flew over for the funeral and it was teaful and joyful goodbye. 1 week later I get news that my sisters godmother's son dropped dead from a heart attack at 35. Only just married 1 year with a young baby, how devastating is that?????? I dont remember him personally but with all this talk of death it really does buck you up to thinking about your own mortality. That awful reminder that we will all be going at sometime. How will I ever be able to say goodbye to family that i love!! What legacy will I leave? How do i want to be remberered? What will be my biggest regrets and is there still time to embrace my dreams!! Is that fear that often stops me stepping towards my dreams going to get the better of me before I leave the planet or can Ilet go and push life in the direction where i can live and learn? What are you doing about yours??

once again I have been negelcting my blopg duties and its been a while since I have posted anything. Life for me has been pretty intense and over trhe last few weeks and I amd glad to now bee sitting in my mums house in Georgia to relax and finally enjoy my long over due honeymoon....

Work had really been a challenge and although I am beginning to understand how things are working it still is taking alot of getting used to. Its hard starting at the bottom again and having to do all the shitty admin jobs.The processe and procedures are never really cast in stone and I am finding it really frustrating having to second guess sometimes what I should and should not be doing. There is also so many things that I am resposnibsle for and all are a 'priority.'

Under the normal retail set up there is usually a Buying area which is resposnsible for buying and setting up all the new products and a Merchandising section which is resposible for monitoring the distribution of stock and the sales etc of each outlet. A this place their is only a buying area which does everything so my posission is effectively doing the job of two people and its really friggin hard!!!!Anyway, its an opprtunity for me to learn something new and I have to keep my eye on the bigger picture of how I want my life to go...

Shit, its been a while! These last few weeks have been a huge challenge. The new job has been a major learning curve and so much has gone on. This week I am really missing my old HOF work crew. I miss the familiarity of my team and the relationships I built. Being in my new job has a different set of people who are more family and people orientated but not creative/fashionie. I have no one to discuss or compare shoe collections with. As the company is American they are more people focused and I do genuinely feel that I have joined an oversized Partridge family.

The driving to and from work has been the biggest stress. the traffic, the nutters, the near misses!! I have probably been through all 8000 songs twice on my ipod and I'll probably get sectioned soon from the funny looks I sometimes get from other drivers that witness my one women tone deaf singing sessions in the mini. Yesterday, my life nearly ended as a result of thinking it was a good idea to go to the local Tesco. Going is fine as you just stay in the left hand lane. However, I sat shaking in my car for 20 mins when I was set to return as I remembered when a colleague took me yesterday that the route back involved a massive roundabout with multiple lanes which could send me down the M1 if missed the turning. I was on my lunch break so I had to get my head together and get going. Well and truly FUCKED!!! The only thing that saved me was that a car was being towed up ahead and slowed down the whole traffic which gave me plenty of time check out the signs and take the right exit. I still managed to get into the wrong lane and after nearly stalling I revved the mini and made it down the A41 and back to work just in time!! One of the reasons I took this job was to build my driving confidence but I think I give myself a bit of time to settle into my daily driving before taking on anything else. Heart attack over..... for now!

P.S. The punani is healing but it’s gonna take some time. I'm starting to clime the walls so i've decided to refuse any more Bj demands, if I aint getting shit, then he aint gettin’ shit!

Just a quicky! Had the Punani Op on Monday and I'm still alive!! Yeay... Still a little sore but on the mend. Husband felt it necessary to make me laugh but continually suggesting that I provide some some subsitute Punani while mines out of action for the next 3 weeks while I heal. I'll probarbly end up being admitted to casualty with lock jaw from the substitute Bj's!!

The biggest thing I’ve learned about all this redundancy thing, is that no matter how much we try to fight it, life really is about the experience of love and loss. Think about it? So many of the things we do on a daily basis are related to relationships on different levels. Some we adore and some we abhor. Love within the family unit, building relationships at school, at work and most importantly the relationship we have with ourselves. We also build relationships with our possessions. We build emotional attachments to our belongings and they mean so much more than their physical make up. The older we get, the more attached we get to things and then the fear of loss becomes greater. Either that or we become more cynical. Not sure if being more cynical necessarily makes it easier to detach yourself though? My first experience of love and earliest memory was being thrown into the air by my father, gurgling happily as I landed safely in his large rough hands. He then blew raspberries onto my ripe little belly as he catches me... I distinctly remember his bristly beard on my stomach. It still makes me smile now….

What surprised me about leaving House of Fraser was just how attached I had become to the people. My first real loss was when I about 8 and the cat got hold of my pet gerbil. I found it. Still, on the stairs after the cat had finished playing football with it. I remember feeling empty, wishing I hadn’t loved it so much then I wouldn’t feel so sad. Loss is a natural part of life and as bad as we feel at the time, it will and does pass. Don’t the blossom always come out in spring no matter how bad the winter?

Why is it that we always seem to find it so easy to embrace and hang onto the bad stuff? Holding onto low expectations of life does not help us attract the good stuff. I’ve focused on loosing people I grew to care about, but this is not strictly true. These people have not died, we’ve just been put in a position where we have had to move professionally and geographically, but that does not mean that we have to be cut off socially or emotionally. After avoiding saying goodbye to my old work colleagues for as long as possible (in case I became human and shed a tear), I go to meet them all for final farewell drinks. I take my last tube down to Victoria. Eeahhrrr just clocked the biggest minger opposite me with the biggest set of bollocks I have ever seen! How can someone that ugly be so gifted? The girlfriend looks pretty hot, so she obviously knows which side her bread is buttered.... Anyway back to my sentimental reunion. My head office pass is now in the hands of security and I had finally emptied my draws of personal possessions. I left the makeshift picture and me and the man Hasslehof sellotaped to the PC screen. The evening was lovely and a lot of the previous leavers from last year turned up which was so lovely. I sipped my vodka tonics, coached on how to deal with non comitial boyfriends, and swapped email addresses. I was totally controlled and happy until my team started leaving to go home. Before leaving they would come over and launch into how what I had brought to House of Fraser and to them personally. That’s when I lost it. Some had already left before the redundancies but all were unanimous that the way I had managed them and the department was the best environment they had worked in. They had come to trust and look up to me and I was moved by their sentiment Whether I accepted it or not, I do care about people and I know I have a special way with them. At times I have beaten myself up for it as it does make you more vulnerable to being hurt when you grow to care so much but it is also a gift and just so rewarding when you get the blessings back ten fold like I did tonight.......

Good news folks. I got myself a job! I am now officially a buying assistant for Media at a wholesale store. A far cry from my glamorous days on the road as a model and there will be no lipstick lesbians there but it will give me a lot more security for the future. I can start putting things in place for me to start planning our house hunting and also to start a family in the next 5 years. I was a little nervous at the first interview and after having heart failure over the maths test I got a grip and was fine. I had interviewed many a muppet during my time and House of Fraser so I knew what made a good interview. I, was certainly no muppet! I left feeling I had done my best but was anxious to see how things would go. Although I new the company director and he had opened the door by passing my CV onto HR, I didn’t want any special favours after this initial squeeze. I spoke to him later that evening and he said the interviewers were really impressed and were confident that I was over qualified and would progress up the ladder really quickly. Second interview a few days later was more informal and I met the Media buyer. They offered me the job there and then! Touchdown!!!

Unfortunately, I had a pretty shite valentine’s day really. I had plans to yank myself out of the stressful space I was in to cook dinner half naked in my hot red agent provocateur bra ‘n’ panties along with my gold peep toe heels. All very steamy in theory but I just couldn’t shake off the jobless half a punani feeling so the outfit necer surfaced and it ended up being more yawn than porn!

What is it about food and shopping that drives me like some crack craving banshee when I get stressed or feel under pressure!! A few hours after hearing about my redundancy I sank into a void of destruction, eating all the food I am intolerant too and shopping like Posh on speed! Hurrying from one shop to the next, convincing myself that I had to have that Item…. Each purchase made me feel better for about 1 second which is why I had to get to the next fix? What was I running / shopping from. Fear of not being about to pull it out of the bag this time? Fear that no one would want me although I had a vat of professional skills…. What was that about… the food thing was horrendous as some of the stuff I was eating I hadn’t touched since I was diagnosed with the food intolerance 18 mths ago. Umpteen toasted Cheese paninis, secret bounty bars, a large slice carrot cake covered in cream… all tasted delicious!

Sound pretty normal you might say, but to my body they’re the enemy! After gorging all the shite, the scary palpitations took hold (egg from the cake is my worse allergy) and at one point I went into the toilet to make myself sick because I could really feel them getting harder, but that didn’t work so I had to suffer the consequences… within a few days the shite food had taken me to a new low and now all the skin rashes emerged around my hips, feet and a few little areas on my face. Not that noticeable on face thank God. Then the sleep deprivation kicked in… I was awake for 3 hours on the hour then I would fall back to sleep and wake up battered!! Why was I punishing myself for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me personally?? Somehow although I knew this logically, my psyche had taken this on personally with a vengeance and somehow it was my fault, my doing, my incompetence??

Thankfully this only lasted a few days and once I was feeling Really shite, I got a grip of myself and yanked my sinking soul out of the swamp and back onto dry Land. Hang on a minute Sista, you haven’t been diagnosed with a terminal disease, you husband still fancy’s the pants off you? You’re are intelligent women; you’ve had your moment in the mire so you can move your arse now! After my self telling off, I began the sensible task of flushing out all the shite I had just poisoned my body with and the first litre of water was on the way to bring me back where I belonged. On top of my shit!

Couldn’t be arse dealing with the hair situation today so I hooked a back up from my bag of falsies! As the clock ticked closer to 5:30, I disappeared into the work toilets in my hooker wig (have you not seen pretty women?) and emergered 20 mins later in my large afro, gold sequinned vest, skinny rocker jeans, green slouch boots and an attitude. Fabulous... Not bad considering 3 hours earlier I was in no mood for fabulous….
Met Gabe after stocking up on snacks in the local Sainsbury’s and made myself comfortable to be dazzled. The film was amazing though Beyonce was not the star! I was quite glad as as beautiful as she is, her weaved out, caramel, can di no wrong ‘perfection,’ is really annoying and Im glad that a, beat down, reality show nobody stole the film right under her nose and now she is up for an Oscar. You go girl!! Jennifer Hudson is the real star!! Gabriel now has sore ribs from the numerous jooks he got from my excitement over the Weavelicious perfection! I won’t tell you too much about the plot but it’s based around the story of the Supremes. I will say that it’s a girls (or queen's) film so don’t bother dragging your man...
After the film we head for gay joint in soho which had more testosterone than Russell Brand's ball bags... We meet up with an old Heaven queen who is now the editor of a gay/soft porn magazine, copies of which were freely available in the bar?? It was quite entertaining flicking through the endless pages of erect wood with phone numbers. Long ones, thin ones, bell ends, large balls, tight ones, hanging ones, whatever? Amongst the willies was a cool interview with Jennifer Hudson (the real dream girls star) and at the back was a full gallery of hard willies where you could text in who was your favourite?? 2 cocktails, and a spin with Madge in the middle of the bar floor later we’re off to Covent Garden to another gay joint but this time it was the place I has my first girl on girl encounter. Yes, you heard right, a lezza encounter. More lipstick lesbian than Russian shot putter but I'll save my lezza life for another entry as this one is about the dream girls tranny thing....
Several more cocktails later and we enter the 'Tranny Shack' club night at 2two much. On reception we are greeted by a 7 and half foot tranny in nine inch thigh high boots, a fur coat, shoulder length peroxide wig with cropped fringe and a foxy pair of large chocolate sunglasses which frame her face like giant scaffolding. DIVA!! As the doors to main space open, Kylies 'locomotion' kisses my ears and the floor is awash with colourful characters all vying for the most attention. The crowd had gone to town of their outfits and it was fabulous to watch all the free spirits work their shit… Ohhh My GOD!!! Across the dance floor there is a large pole with the most amazing girl sliding down it. Her waist must be a 22, a high tight arse, cheekbones like razors, shoulder length hair with Vidal sharp fringe, and the perkiest pair of titties you ever saw! She was like a large python around the pole and the audience were mesmerised… We head for the VIP area where she takes a break, Gabriel introduces me to her then promptly whispers that it’s a man!!! A friggin man!! I shouldn’t be so surprised but this diva could take Naomi!! She is so cool!! We have a few drinks before we go to watch the singing competition to find the best tranny dream girl. This turned out to be shite but I had had so many cocktail by then I didn’t care… I don’t remember, anymore names or faces but remember dancing with so many Queens. It’s so great to loose your inhabitations and not have to worry that a bloke’s gonna try to put his hand up ya skirt!! I don’t have much recollection of the rest of the night except complaining that my wig was too tight by the end of the night so I gave the taxi driver a fright by whipping it off it so I could enjoy my cat nap in the taxi back to Gabriel’s at 4am ….

Just when I think all hope is lost, out pops my gay Husband to make everything fabulous again. Tonight, I have been invited to a preview of the fabuloius Dreamgirls film. Gabrial has the Disney rights to promote films to the gay community so after that there will be huge competition to find the most fabulous tranny dream girl! I half heartedly packed a bag this morning but had secretly made up my mind to leave after the film because I initially felt like shit but after speaking to Gabe I feeling all fabulous again. Its a good job I packed, some sequinns, eye glitter and my large afro as I intend to be working that stage later behind the trannies!! xxx

Winge permission?
I’m feeling a range of emotion today, going from lost to raging bitch. Its almost time for me to face the Pussy man for my results and Rene is nagging me but I just cant face it today.... I also feel an enormous amount of resentment at being forced into this redundancy situation and its not helping that I am still being bombarded with people asking me to help them with stuff when I really want to tell them to go fu*k themselves! The enormity of trawling through hundreds of websites looking for work is a chore and having to read between the lines of ‘exciting new administrator’ really meaning ‘tea making skivie required’ is just getting on my tits! What is also getting me down is that I am feeling that I am not allowed to be upset and people constantly asking me if I’m alright. I know they mean well but No, I am not fuckin’ alright!! I’m feeling the shit… Rene’s doing his best to be positive but seems to find it hard to accept it when I am down. Right now I don’t want people to keep offering me advice and solutions to what is happening, I just want someone to listen to my being upset and frustration and sympathize without trying to fix it. Yes I know its not the end of the world, yes I know I have skills to get another job, yes I know things will work out for the better but I am still allowed to be upset and give my self the permission to feel how I do and then I will be able to move on. I think I feel worse because I am just expected to be the trouper all the time and be there fore everyone else in my team and not get upset because those close to me don’t know what to say. I am amazed that there are certain people who I have spoken to at work who I got along with and now they are ignoring me because they don’t know what to say?? Its like someone died! I’m not dead, just been fuc*k off because of more profit required. It hurts because I have worked really hard and built relationships but I will get over it and move on. Please Just let me have my moment of madness and then I will jump into action and rise like phoenix like I always do….

In the blink of an eye my obsession with Jade's catastrophic CBB balls up vanished a few moments after being summoned to a directors office..... It had been brewing for some time and today was THE day..
2 hours earlier, the whole Head office was summoned to a meeting to be told that the whole company was being informed of the same message. That we were all at risk of redundancy and we were to find out in the next couple of days if were personally going to be affected. On returning to our desks, I witnessed my boss and two other senior mangers going into the head of department’s office. 20 mins later the door opened to tears & solemn faces and the head of department leaving the building straight after. I was told nothing else until I was sat in front of the retail director. Amongst all the legal jargon I made out that the whole department was being made redundant except my boss and one of the project guys. 11 people, wiped out, with a good bye and thank you. I left the building shortly after, foggy headed with a fat silver folder of legal shit to get my head around......... Now I'm a jobless, four eyed with half a pussy! The future is not looking bright!

My eyes had been aching for a couple of weeks so it was time to take advantage of the free House of Fraser eye test voucher and find out what the scrip was with my eyes. After 29 mins of reciting, testing eye pressures and 100 questions, it turns out I'm slightly long sited because of the time I spend on the PC. They seem a little disgruntled that I have not handed over any money for the Chanel frames but I trip back to work as I did not have my purse and was under no obligation to buy my lenses from them anyway! I find out that the discounted £200 plus I was going to spend was not a bargain at all and marvellous Spec savers were doing an offer of buy one get one free for £125 including the lenses. So its clear who gets my wonger. I end up with a fab retro 60’s 'Red or Dead pair' and a groovey 50’s ugly Betty pair which I have now grown to love...

As I lied back in the large squeaky leather chair with some strange Asian man looking at my pussy on a large screen I felt cheated. After my previous smear and confirmation of the abnormal cells I had to have biopsy now before I had the full op to remove all the cells in 6 weeks time. Since this has happen, all my friends and family have come out of the woodwork with tales of how they or their friends have had it done and how awful it was. Why is no one telling people all this shit.. I'm only now beginning to realise just how shit my sex education was at school and also the importance of having these things done. Yes, It was invasive, Yes, I would rather not have a strange man fumbling around my nether regions with lube and the camera. I felt very queasy and nearly passed out when I had to get up but if I had left this unchecked I could have been looking at cervical cancer in 5- 10 years!! If you haven't had your regular smear done make and appointment today to get it checked and seen to. I could have been like alot of other women who may prefer to keep such a personal thing to themselves but its so important I couldn’t keep silent about this one!

I'm sitting on the tube going home feeling cheated after seeing Mary Poppins at the theatre. My lip hangs down as I wonder where all the magic went along with Bert’s charisma and acting talent. Mary herself was a joy to watch and her voice was pitch perfect along her crisp outfits and sturdy reliable brolly. The story followed the same path as the film of course, but there were dark overtones and I was disappointment that the campness, choreography and glitter were nowhere to be seen. The classic tunes were there along with some slow and tedious songs. I wanted to leap from my seat few times during supercalagilisticexpialidotious, its jolly ‘olidy, lets go fly a kite etc to liven things up but the performers and audience was not having any of it!! Dull!! I even nodded off a few times in the second half! What was also strange was one of the extra characters who had a little pet dog. It wasn't a real one but more resembled the scruffy 'spit the dog' (remember him) than a middle class women’s posh pooch! I've loved Mary Poppins since I was a little girl and seen it 1000 times. Each session just as magical as the first, always willing Mary not to leave them, then dominating the rest of afternoon with lots of grinning, sing songs and clenched fists and raised elbows as I 'stepped in time.' I’m still traumared to this day!!

Its 7.30pm an I’m on my way home after visiting Trailfinders and you would think I was on the verge of orgasm as I have finally booked the honeymoon with all the trimmings within budget? I’m really knackered and was quite looking forward to having a tube carriage to myself so I can read all the discarded newspapers and put my feet up but no. Instead, I’m rammed into the corner of a tube with the newspaper right up against my nose and I'm pissed! Where have all these people come from and why is the train so packed now? Were they all huddled around the corner waiting for me to come out of the shop so they could ruin my journey? It’s just like friggin peak commuter time. I could be really evil and drop a huge one as the lentils I had a lunch time are brewing and would clear the carriage sharpish??? The only thing that saved the stench was the man that vacated the seat in front of me 3 stations into my journey. I am happy to get a seat but now I am facing a scrawny hippy with his trouser button and zip down. Ehrrr I can see his 'use to be white' grey pants.. Puhleeases lawd save me from this place! Maybe I should reconsider releasing the evil brew to get him to move but I hold my dignity until I leave the station and give it to the moody ticket man outside instead!! He he.....

Sorry I've been away so long, you are about to find out why!!

I am so friggin excited. I think I have sorted the honeymoon and kept everyone happy!!! I had a really good think about things in my last honey moon entry and before sounding off at René about my frustrations I had a really good think. Family has become so much more important to me over recent years and I know if we don’t go and see mum or Sally’s wedding I would regret it. I won’t see mum again till we go for her 60th birthday party and I know she has been really missing her kids... It will be amazing to see Marcia's new home she built from scratch as well as the dog and my new Niece!! How could I not go and see them? I'm such a softie I know!! I am so skinning my teeth right now I want to do this.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O3Elki8cVE Just love Josephine!! Sorting out the honeymoon has been getting me down a bit because I never thought I would be able to arrange something nice for us as well as see everyone but I did it, within budget with money left over!! I cant stop smiling and I want to tap the lady beside me on the tube on her shoulder and just tell her I'm going on honeymoon just for the hell of it!. Some bloke catches me smiling and thinks I am looking/fancy at him? No numbskull you're not that gorgeous I am going on honeymoon!! Ren and I have both booked most of May of to first go and spend the week with my Mum and sister in Atlanta. Then we fly down to Orlando for 5 days for our friends wedding, then down to Miami for 5 days to hang out before picking up a 5 day mini cruise around the Bahamas. I've been told its a little commercial but still worth it and very hot and beautiful. Work has been getting on my tits so much since I've been back I cant wait to be away from the building for a whole 3 weeks YeeeeeHAhaaaaaa...... Wanna come??

I have had so many emails today about the whole big bruv situation... Have a look at this link and judge for yourself about what Jack said!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLdy4RL4fD4

I think its very clear!! Chennel 4 know it too which is why it has been bleeped out! Why have they allowed this to go on without any form of repromand? Why have they not been dragged into the diary room and bollocked? Why should it take the british public to complain in their droves demanding that something is done... It is a reality TV show and they should be showing what it real! this clip was not on the evening TV show as they edited it out!! As ugly as this is, Channel 4 were in a position to blow this ugly stench wide open and show what we all know goes on in some peoples mind below the surface but no, they choose not to show it and do absolutly nothing!! Bullshit, gutless bullshit!! This is not just about the Asian community its about all of us accepting each other wherever we come from and not allowing other people to get away with what is clearly wrong! I always loved channel 4 for aften having the balls to make programmes that pushed other peoples buttons and made them think but this time this is a clear attempt to sugar coat the truth and condone there behaviour buy doing nothing!! I've already phoned and complained on every petition i have got in my email box and they've not seen the last us yet!! Kiss my arse Channel 4!!!

Hi,

More later but had to put this on!! Shilpa needs us to expose this evil racist shite going on in the BB house!! Please sign this, we need to get her out or at least get this stopped!

http://www.petitiononline.com/Shilpa/petition.html

Pass this link on to EVERYONE who you think would sign this!!!!

Love thy neigbour!!!!! will have a proper rant later.....

Feeling a bit down today. Work is dragging me down and I am finding it really hard to keep things in perspective! Feeling unappreciated, overworked , underpaid, ignored, taken for granted! After my yoga session this morning, I listened to my soul and it really is time to make some changes. Corperate companies will always be money orientated and where i am has never been particulaly people focused even with their customers. I'm fed up with working my arse off while other bask in the glory! Being comfortable even though I've had enough is not a good place to be.... Its time I really started thinking about myself and my own preoffessional needs instead of what these morons are bleeding out of me...

What is going on in the world when people can not be left alone to live their lives without hurting any body? I am outraged that Christian groups are protesting because they don’t want Gay people to have access to their meeting rooms / services. How pathetic!! Ignorance is evil and if they believe that being gay is wrong that then they have every right to their opinion but what these numbskulls need to get into their narrow minded peanut heads is that being Gay is not a choice or lifestyle fashion. It something that people are born with. Not like a disease, but just like someone would be born with blonde hair or freckles. A person is born gay! Some people can stay in the closet for fear of discrimination and some live as they wish and it should be no one else’s fuc*ing business!! If a Christian group is offering a service to the community, why would you allow a straight person to have access and not a gay person? It is against the law to discriminate against, age, colour, sex and religious belief so why should the laws not be changed also to protect people’s sexual orientation too…. What the frig are these people afraid off?? AAAAAh its makes me so mad!! This is one of the main reasons I did not want to get married in church! I know the institute of marriage is all christian and all that but we were both keen to commit to each other and keep religion well out of it. We had our own vows about being spiritual etc but with no religious connotations at all as we don’t do religion!!. These people need to get a grip!! If Jesus actually lived today, do you think he would be protesting with these people!! All this religious man made dogma stinks of self righteous, judgmental, horse shit!!

Now that the festivities are over and it’s soon time to take down your tinsel and glitter, don’t forget to recycle your Christmas cheer. Tesco are recycling cards for the Woodland Trust http://www.woodland-trust.org.uk/cards/ What I do before sending mine off is cut out any of the groovy pictures and use them as gift tags for next year!!! Bargain Blue Peter badge moment!! I sent some e-cards this year which are free and eco friendly so bag that one for next year too!! I know its not that same as having all the cards scattered around the fireplace but the earth is more important wouldn’t you say!!! As much as we hate to admit it we all get shite pressies from ‘Granny No Friggin Idea’ that just end up in a draw somewhere. If you don’t like it give it to charity or sell the dreaded thing on Ebay! Why let it go to waste and clutter your house!! If too many people already know your ebay address and may see it, set up a secret one and tell no one. That way you can sell all the shite that people give you and know one gets offended. You can also keep all your secret shopping there too if you have any snoops!!! Don’t forget you can recycle your tree as well…!!
For more details? http://www.wasteonline.org.uk/resources/InformationSheets/ChristmasRecycling.htm

I don’t really make New years resolutions because if something needs changing then you should just commit to changing it whatever time of year, but if I am going to do anything its going to be to try to be greener and more eco friendly. I am an old hippy at heart after all…. http://www.foe.co.uk/