Sista..... Stand Up!

Jenny's gone to Spain this week for a well deserved rest. Strange…. I never thought I would miss her as much as I do. We never used to get on in the past, we nothing to say to each other and I remember us both being quite anger at the world for one reason or another. We had not really be in contact for some time, but something shifted when Mum and Dad decided to move to Florida... we lead quite different lives a few years ago but as we’ve both got older, circumstances have drawn us together and I do regert missing out on all those wasted years. I wasn’t really meant to be then I suppose.

She’s only been gone a few of days and I really miss her being on the other end of the phone to laugh and chat about some nonsense or anything bothering me.... I feel very grateful to have such a good relationship with her now and I couldn’t be without her.....When I was much younger I remember feeling how different and detached I felt from my family as I new I held very different views about life and still do. As a teenager, I never felt that it was possible to have a healthy relationship with my family or anyone else and have different views. I told myself that if I had different views that I somehow couldn’t really love them as much as I thought I did and they wouldn't love me either because I was so different.... I suppose all teenagers feel like that.... looking back an at most people I know, growing up is a difficult feat for anyone especially with everything that’s going on in London at the moment.... What I’ve learnt about building healthy relationships now, is not to assume that I am always the root of any upset they may have going on with other people which is how I used to feel. Most of the time it is about something that has nothing to do with me and a little listening with an open heart works wonders.... I hear many stores about my friends family dramas that have broken down but I’m glad I have a genuine love for my big Sista and know that she genuinely cares about mine and Rene’s well being. Its also great because the relationship I now have with Jenny has rubbed off on her daughter.... Jenny and I spend so much time laughing about the old days when we get together that her daughter is now never far behind.... Jenny if you get a chance to read this.... thank you for being such a fantastic support to me and Rene... you are a wonderful person and we both love you very much....

It seems silly to immerse myself into the Wedding trivia of table plans and whether I want lily's or gardenias as my table decorations but I am secretly terrified of feeling what is really going on in London.... every morning goodbye with Rene leaves me wondering if I will get to work and back home safely. Hoping I get to clap eyes on that big nose of his when I get it... I am writing this on the tube and it has just stopped between stations.... its easer for the politicians to say go about your normal business but emotionally it’s not as easy as that. I find myself looking in the faces of any dodging looking guys with rucksacks before carefully selecting which tube carriage to board. It sounds really dramatic as I write it but it’s a reality every time I descend into the tube every morning for the last 3 weeks!!! I find it hard to comprehend why someone would want to kill themselves and innocent people in order to make a point. ... It has been easy to switch off in the past when it has been a reality for innocent civilians in other parts of the world but now it is on my doorstep it has become a nightmare..... This situation has certainly made me value the good people and family in my life and how much I really love Rene....
I’m still stuck in this tunnel and every couple of minutes the tube driver mumbles some nonsense. I turn up the music in my IPod, but it’s hard to ignore the concern on some of the faces as the minutes tick by.... not sure if I want to continue to live in London after this... life should not have to be this stressful… feeling really vulnerable.... I don't want to be dictated too by these guys but I also plan to do alot more with my life without fear or threat of death on a daily basis.... My IPod has been a god send during this time as it does take my mind of all this stress on the tube and I have a renewed appreciation for albums that had been gathering dust.... Still in this friggin tunnel!!!! Getting worries now!! Is the mumbled defective train storey a lie? It was a ‘power surge' before we learnt it was the first waive of bombings!!! As morbid as it sounds part of me wonders if the faces I am looking at now will be on the cover of the Metro tomorrow... including my own!! The train finally left for Victoria and my blood pressure begins to lower......
When I eventually get out of the station I see a couple on the corner clearly in love having a tender good bye kiss.... I smile.... I'm glad there are still some other wonderful little things happening in the world to keep my sane during these crazy times.....

Ahhhhh..... I know I still have just over a year to go but the days seem to be spinning past me while struggle to grasp onto the hours to get things done...

I am on a magazine amnesty at the moment as I know I've spent an obscene amount of money on every wedding publication going since I got engaged last year. I have to stop at least for now or we will end up eating the wedding cake off them in the garden from running out of cash....

My emotions are up and down about things at the moment as there is so much choice and so many desisions to make. All the retailers see pound signs when you mention weddings and being the bargain hunter I am having to erase the word from my lips when shopping for any nuptual items!!

So far the dress has been bought... well sort of ( more about that later and we have put £500 down on the gorgeous West lodge park hotel... Its stunning but there are so many hidden costs I will have to have my sharp wits about me... Thats it for now, been on the web most of the afternoon and it is free at work so I'm off untill next week when I am back in the office... Will chat about the dress issue then....