Sista..... Stand Up!

I am really missing my Mum today… I always feel like this when I am feeling overwhelmed with stuff. Its not that she waves a magic wand or anything, its just her presence is such a comfort and then I start to think about how she raised 7 kids with dad on hardly any money etc. I then remember her strength and feel her love. I didn’t become physically aware of dads love until I was much older but he is certainly making up for it now. I think I was in my twenties, spending far too much time analysing life but remembering when dad had a few health scares and I became petrified that I would loose him. I realised then how much I really did love my dad and was desperate to be closer to him so I wrote him a letter. I told him how much I loved him and how I didn’t really know who he was as a person and wanted to know him better. I sent the letter quite naively and was a little scared that I might even get rejected as he was not openly affectionate but sent it anyway… Little did I know that this letter would change everything about our relationship and surprisingly my future relationships with men. I had not had any relationships with black men before this time. They do say that girls choose men like their dads and with hindsight, feel that this was down to the barrier between me and my father. Once I had unlocked this door, I discovered that although my dad had that Jamaican roughness that I use to be wary of, now and I love it along with a sweet gentle nature that appeared. This was amazing and I totally understand now why Mum fell in love with him… While I was much younger and living at home I remember a conversation I had with Mum about how your relationship and feelings change over the years as you get older and live with someone you love. I remember her talking about how their love deepens and how you become so attached to the other person. I remember laughing as she talked about how they were both guilty of being conscious of when the other had gone out and when they would be returning, keeping an eye through the curtain until she heard the car pull into the drive or the key in the door… As I’ve got older I have really learnt to really appreciate and respect my folks as people and not just as my parents… I feel really lucky!!

I had a long weekend off work (back yesterday) and boy was that needed!! Last week I must have been completed mad to take on the stuff I did after the moving drama the week before!!!. After volunteering to do a presentation to whole of the House of Fraser furniture staff. I began to have sleepless nights about having to write the friggin thing and then not stuttering through the performance!! Had to get up at 5am to get the 7am train from Paddington to Bristol and I was knackered! Was also awkward as I did not have any of my allergy free food so I had to eat whatever and now I feel like shite a few days after as a result. Presentation went well and we got quite good feedback… Silly me, I got back from Bristol at 8pm and went straight to my friends club night in Notting Hill… Was lovely to see her again although tired but ok after a couple of vodkas!! After rolling in at 3.30am I got up at 7 to drag myself to work which was a huge struggle!! Friday afternoon I had a proposition to assist my friend Gabriel with BOY George’s new clothing line that he was launching at London Fashion week!! I was really excited and sooo wanted to go but I had to decline!!!! Yes!! I know I am crazy but I was MASHED UP!!!! I did not realise how much the week took out of me and had a headache for 2 days over the weekend! I did a little unpacking and then I would go to bed and rest for an hour! The place is starting to look a little more homely but there is still a lot to do and as the time ticks by I am more and more conscious that the big day is getting nearer… I took a whole load of stuff down to the charity shop on Monday which was very cathartic, and I now have a large corner in the living room ready for EBay mania!! Tuesday I went and had a relaxing time at the gym and steam room then on for facial!!! Heaven. It’s great to sometimes leave all the drama behind and say yes to myself….

This was the most stressful time I have ever had moving!!! First the cleaner who was suppose to be coming to spring clean the old flat cancelled so we had to go back and do it ourselves after we had moved our stuff... when we got to the new flat we realised that there was no chub lock just a huge hole where it should be and only a Yale lock which is not that secure. If we had not had to go through the communal front door first to get to our flat I would have been a lot more paranoid! THEN René could smell gas in the toilet downstairs so we had to get Transco to check it out. A grumpy engineer turned up on Saturday evening like we had just dragged him out of the pub and after 15 mins prodding around he announced ‘gas has to be turned off, sign here, and get in touch with your landlord. nothing to with me to fix it!’ and off he went... GREAT! No water, no cooking or heating..... I managed to make us something to eat at about 11 o’clock by throwing some rice and tuna in to the electric rice steamer and we stayed the first night huddled amongst a mountain of boxes, fed up tired and now homeless!. This will throw up disastrous consequences if this leak is major! There’s a possibility we could be re-housed somewhere else as they may have to take the flat apart to find the leak and in the meantime where the frig do we go!!!! I'm trying to remain calm and not remind myself that not only are we now homeless but the clock is ticking as I have only five months left to plan my wedding!!!!

Sunday morning we went back to the old place to pick up the last few bits and get my Mini. Bless him, Rene was so tired he totally missed the turning back and I had to take the lead to get us back to the new place. I can't call it home because I think it will be a while before all this stuff is sorted out!!! Sal and Drew have a gorgeous place and invited us over for a hot shower, food and some relaxation.... What a god send!! Its just what we needed. It was so nice to have a good scrub and wash my hair. we stayed the night there which was lovely and we got up at 5.30 Monday morning so I could get into work and René could get back to the flat to try to make sense of the madness! He managed to get the day off work to sort things out. The lock should get sorted today but i am not holding my breath about the gas!!

Packing my stuff at home this time has really made me see just how much unnecessary stuff I have!! It was all packed away so beautifully that I had even hidden it from myself!!! If I am honest with myself I have to admit that a lot of it was bought when I was properly trying to feel better about myself. All this 'stuff' was somehow suppose to make me feel better about things when in fact managing the clutter actually causes more stress as beautiful as it is. Work has also given me the opportunity to acquire the most beautiful things and the sample sales and sometimes too irresistible... I'm glad I have discovered the joy of selling my shit now and already have corner full of treasures boxed and labelled EBay to be turned into hard cash which I am going to squirrel away in savings!

The serious packing started last weekend and the thought of having to do it all again within the space of a year is starting to get me down... it not just the sorting and packing but also the cost, mess, stress at not being able to find anything and having to live in kayos for a month till we and our things find ourselves in the new home. It’s been really hard to shut down all the wedding plans to focus on moving but I have been really good not to spend any money on wedding luxuries until we count the cost of the move... A lovely thing about the move is that our things are packed together a lot more where as before it was a lot more segregated and boxed as June's stuff and Rene's stuff. We only have few days left to go now and there is till so much to do.... I’ll be glad when it’s all over and I can get back to day dreaming over tulle and roses...

The question has come up a few times from friends about what my married name will be? As tradition would have it, I should be Mrs Jean - Baptiste (jean is French and should be pronounce as such) Those who know me, know I have never done anything in my life by any tradition so that didn't work for me... I love Rene's surname but know that I will also be spending time having to repeat the correct French pronunciation and people will properly say 'Jean' like the woman’s name. More to the point, I realised that I feel very proud of being an Allen and wanted to keep it. My relationship with my parents has got a lot stronger over the last ten years and I also want my children to have that as part of their history and future. Double barrel is an option but Allen -Jean - Baptiste is to long! I know that Rene wants to change his name as there are so many different variations at the moment which causes havock when we travel or if he needs ID for anything. He still has not 100% chosen his permanent version but is considering having just 'Baptiste'..... Hmm... Allen - Baptiste might work for me? I'll sleep on it and see what happens....