Sista..... Stand Up!

Rene has been great as he has sorted out the flat for when Mum and Dad arrive. We now have a freshly painted living room and we have also sorted out a lot of junk that was hanging around the flat. It looks so much more homely and less cluttered. Can’t wait for Mum and Dad to get here!! I can feel myself winding down now and I will just be easing myself into the next couple of weeks xxxxx

Two weeks ago, my iPod conked out and I was traurmered!! It kept freezing right in the middle of songs and then would need charging and that still would not work. I had to go to the ipod store to get it looked at and then I had to buy a proper charger to plug in to get it started again. The ipod doctors fixed it on the spot after I had been without it for nearly two weeks it was soooo nice to get it back!! I didn’t realize how much I missed it. After half hour of downloading all 3,000 songs again, René was laughing and looking at me rather strangely as I danced around the room to Abba’s Dancing Queen with it on!!! I then went to the gym on Sunday and was grinning ear to ear as I did a running machine stint to my Madonna favs playlist!! With all the emotional drama I have felt on the tubes recently, it was lovely to have it with me this morning. I play it even more when I am anxious as it keeps the stress down. I remember how much it saved me freaking out during 7.7 bombings last year. It was the only thing that kept sane when I was stuck inside a tunnel soon after the bombings and being really scared. I will send an email today to the ipod man who fixed it to say thank you!! And it was free cause it was only the softwear and not the hardware so major result.!!!

One of the main things I wanted at the reception was a cocktail bar with signature cocktails (with our own made up funky names) served in 50’s martini glasses. This is one of the key things I wanted that I felt would look very chic. The hotel manager has been great and was honest about not being able to do the full on bar in the separate mini bar we would have in our area but said he suggested a Champagne cocktail bar where only some of the drinks would be served in the martini glasses to save money. A great compromise I thought until I got confirmation the he was going to charge £9.75 per cocktail!!!! £9 friggin 75 what is he on!!! There is no way my guests would or I would pay a tenner for one drink!!! Now I am traumad as to whether to just scrap the whole cocktail bar thing or renegotiate. If I am honest I don’t give a flying frig what cocktails he serves but I love the idea of using the glasses as this is the main source of my wanting to have the cocktail bar. The whole fifties thing is in keeping with these glasses and it would be so cool if we do this. What I will do is email him with these options?
• Cheaper alternative cocktails
• Scrap cocktails and use martini glasses with drinks they already serve
• Scrap altogether
Gabriel has also kindly offered to chat to him about alternatives as I know nothing about cocktails or alcohol.

Today I am a little tired but feel I have turned a corner with all the plans. I no longer feel stressed about what I have or have not done but am starting to feel the real sense of achievement as all the little unfinished jobs are getting ticked off. I am sure now that the last two weeks are going to be lovely as all the major jobs are sorted. Even the budget is doing ok. I was starting to worry last week that loads more weight would drop off me because of the stress I felt last week and I would spend the whole wedding day pulling up my dress. Things seemed to have calmed down now and I feel myself getting back to normal so it should all be fine. I am feeling even closer to René too at the moment with everything going on he has been such a gem cooking and cleaning while I have spent hours on the PC printing and organising stuff. He really is a special person..

Today I think I have reached the end of the line, no amount of planning the wedding was going to compensate for how I was going to feel now. Right now I would be quite happy to have cucumber sandwiches in our living room with immediate family and some rum cake. Why have I put myself through this? I have lost yet more weight from all the stress and there are still a few things to do. I am finding it really hard at home as I cannot explain to René just how intense it is and I don’t want to keep going on about how sh*t I feel at the moment.

It’s the feeling of not being in control that is driving me mad. Having to rely on other people to do things and then not delivering is what makes you bonkers. I felt quite happy with the meeting I had last weekend with the Hotel manager but I have not heard from him since with an update of all the details??? What is that about… Not impressed… What drives the stress is having to always keep on top of everything and find time for me to shut down. I chase people all day at work and now I have to do it at home!!! My sleep is not at all restful at the moment as there is so much going on my head. Work is also causing a lot of stress and I have to find a way of managing my own stress levels as I don’t want to walk down the isle looking or feeling ill. The projects seem to be piling on at the moment. Managing people can be stressful at times and I have to accept that I cannot please everyone all of the time. Colleagues will have there own agenda about what they feel is right and fair but I’m not Mary Poppins and I can’t always do what they expect me to do. All I can do is ensure that I try to be a fair and as honest as possible in the circumstances. I also have to accept that because I am the person working closest to the team, any issues I have to deliver will ultimately make me the bad guy. I have to remember that this is my job and not my life! Whilst it is difficult, I have other priorities that must take precedence, my health and stress levels being the first thing!!! I must try and focus on what is going to keep me emotionally healthy for the wedding and leave all the other stuff behind and it really is not worth it.

I can’t believe there are only a couple of weeks left!!! It only seems like yesterday that René proposed and we set the date for 2 years time and here we are just around the corner.... I am really feeling and looking tired now and I have to try to use the little time I have left to rest, pamper and put on a little weight. The stress from work and the wedding has shaved more weight off and at this rate I will have to stitch the dress to my skin!!! It’s so frustrating but I am going home to fill up the freezer with stuff. I would love to put on 4-5 pounds before the big day just to make sure I look a little curvy and not like friggin skeltor!!!!

Last Saturday I got some flowers delivered. The message inside says, ‘hope to see you on the big day’ but nothing about who they were from? I called Tesco as I wanted to say thank you but they could not give any information due to the Data Protection Act? They said they would email/ call the customer to let them know? I feel really bad as the person now thinks I am rude for not saying thank you but I have no idea who you are and Rene now thinks I have a fancy man!! If you’re out there, please call me!

This week there have been two people killed on the tubes. Last night when I was going home the trains were all suspended on my line because of the second killing and I was on the verge of tears. I don't know how the second person was killed but the first one had been pushed in front of a train by another passenger on the platform. That could have been me, René, anyone of my close friends who lives in London. With the 7.7 anniversary just on the corner behind us as well, the whole tube experience was really freaking me out. My sleep pattern has gone to pot at the moment and I really feeling like I've just done 10 rounds with tyson.

I had to write a cheque this morning to post for some wedding bits and that’s when it really hit home that it was a year to the day that the bombers struck on the tubes. I had got some reminders on the news but I didn’t want to hear. Blocking it out would make it easier to get on the tube to work this morning but now I really can’t ignore it any more. Now I am really listening to the news as I get dressed and there is a lot of reports from the real victims a year on and when events will be taking place today to remember the dead. They also say that it is possible that there could be more. It could so easily have been me or someone I love who lives in London. I walk down to the station and see Rene's car parked outside. I wonder if it will be the last time I see it? I don't want him to know that I am a little anxious but decide to send a text telling him that I love him and will sit in a rear carriage like he told me. The vibe on the tubes was more sombre than usual. You could see in people’s faces that we were all thinking about the same thing. I must call René when I get to work so he knows I am safe..... .

On Saturday I finally Met up the Hotel manager to go through all my details. He was much younger than I imagined but totally on to it. We got on so well ( maybe him being a queen had something to do with it!!) we spend a good couple of hours going through everything and laughing about how camp the whole thing was!! Every queen loves a fabulous black women so I knew there and then that the day was about to become the fabulous red carpet event I hoped it would!! He gave lots of advice on the cocktails and how we could keep the cost down which was great. He threw the dance floor in for free because of all the trouble!! He had also alaredy called the music hire contact to discuss the size etc and to come and have a look at the venue!! Very impressed! After a very productive fun afternoon he gave me all his personal details and told me to call him with anything I was unhappy with. He finally vowed to be there on the day to make sure it ran like clockwork!! Very chuffed with myself! I should actually thank Helen for being such and arsehole as it now mean I have 2 fabulous fairys planning my wedding!!!! Teee heee

I am currently working on some wedding packs which will give guests everything they need for the day. I remember from previous weddings wandering around aimlesly not knowing what was happening next. These packs will be for the day guests and will include the following;
scheduled timetable of the days events
order of service,
menu and what table they will be seated at.

Its quite difficult to co-ordinate as I could not write up the menu’s until the food tasting had happened. I can't do the table assignement until all the RSVP’s are in and I can only just do the order of service since reciving the documents from the registra about the ceremony details. I’ll have to do them in sections and hope there are no drastic changes. I am determined to have the final week spening time with family and pampering myself. I will be mortified if end up running around at the last minute!! That is NOT allowed to happen!!

Meeting with Trailfinders Travel who are managing our gift list honey moon went ok but we cannot really make any decisions about the honeymoon until we see how much is in the pot and how much we can afford to put in ourselves. I have banned us going anywhere near the Caribbean as we have both been there so many times before! It’s important that we pick a once in a lifetime place that is totally unique. My money is on Hawaii!! We can also kill two birds with one stone and go and visit my mum in Florida for Xmas if poss. then fly onto Hawaii after!! Budget totally out of the water now so have to be careful!! Think we will just have to wait until after the wedding then book it. I had reports from a guest that they could not get into the Gift list site to make a contribution. I tried it myself and had difficulty so I called them to find out what was happening. I got some rude Ghetto b*tch on the phone who was not listening to me and kept going on about it was my fault is did not work as I did not uses there cheap tacky cards that according to her ‘were really expensive to do’ and I must have put the wrong details! I wanted to b*tch slap the fool but kept calm and demanded to speak to her manger instead!! She was also quite rude initially until she discovered that they had spelt René’s Surname wrong on the system which is why it did not work!! I told her she need to have a serious conversation with the Ghetto fool about her attitude cause if she had bothered to open her ears instead of her big fat mouth this would have been sorted ages ago!!!

Feeling really low today. Totally fed up especially at work but can’t talk about it as confidential right now. It is really getting me down now and I really wish I could be somewhere else. I’m not feeling particularly excited about the wedding either as I am really feeling the pressure now with 4 weeks to go and still quite a few little jobs to do that are mounting up. Headdress meeting went well. The woman is nutter but I know she will create something fabulous… I can just tell so that’s good. It’s really hard to explain how I feel to René cause I know he senses that I am fed up but I just can’t say anything as the situation is not going to change for a while ( you’ll understand later) and I just shut up cause I don’t want to feel like I am whingeing but I’m really feel emotionally exhausted. Planning this wedding, keeping house, work pressure, selling stuff on eBay is just to much. I wont be listing any new items on eBay now until after the wedding now as I have just too much to do. I don’t really know how I can shake this off as I am a bit fed up of telling people to try and take ownership of their stuff a bit more instead of expecting me to be wonder women… There is a retreat not far from where we live and I might just go there for a day to get away from the madness!!!! I can just switch off, no telly, no mobile, no June can you do this and June can you do that… what type of this would you like, how much do you charge for that, what size do you want, what colour do you need, can you afford that? How many, and when do you need it for? Can you email me the details, can you call me back, will your guests like it? what!! what!! what!! Ahhhhhhhh……!! I’ll be going to Trailfinders tonight who have our honey moon gift list. I want to see how they sort stuff and put a deposit down on something. That will cheer me up!!

After two attempts at getting my headdress right, I will be having a third attempt with a meeting tonight with a hat designer who will hopefully bring the va va voom to my outfit. The first attempt was a vintage piece but Gabriel made it clear that as beautiful as it was, It was not the right piece to go with my dress and I was gutted as I absolutely love it! I then found something simple and quite pretty on the high street but It just was not WoW enough!! I need something that is going to make people weep with adoring eyes, something that would be unforgettable. I have been looking through a lot of my Vogue research and there is lots of inspiration in the photos from the 40’s and fifties’ where the clothing had a certain magic that just is not around now. I have taken the books with me so I can have a contemporary version made up and I know this will defiantly be the icing on the cake.

Sometimes the bridal life can be a very lonely place, especially if you are a very creative person. I have to keep reminding myself that the world does not revolve around me or my wedding day and ultimately you just have to be fiercely organized. A few people have offered to help but I am so clear about the way things need to be done I just end up doing things my way anyway. I started work on the wedding 2 years ago to ensure I could do a lot of the stuff myself. It’s funny cause some of the help I have accepted has fallen flat so I have had to do it myself anyway so I don’t bother accepting any more. Sometimes its just gets me down as I get overwhelmed and I do feel a certain amount of pressure as I know people are not expecting a ‘normal wedding and are intrigued to see how I have put everything together. Its strange because although I have planned as much as I can, I will never really know until the actually wedding day how everything comes together which in itself is quite stressful. I just have to learn to let go and trust that ‘god’ will make sure it is a successful day even with any minor hick up’s. I know that this situation frustrates René as he wants to help but also knows I like things done a certain way so its difficult for him to watch me having late nights and being so tired. Occasionally I get a pep talk and have go to bed early but there is so much to do it’s very hard not to be joined at the hip by the computer. It will be nice the last couple of weeks when all has been done and I can enjoy the time I will have with mum and dad when they come over. I have also booked a hair appointment and a top to toe pamper day for the Friday before the big day so I am looking forward to that. I’m sure the day will be lovely and I am especially looking forward to sipping a cocktail on a beach somewhere in December when we book our honey moon. Can’t wait…. After that, its onto the next project of babies and a house!!

Last week I had the most terrible time at work. Without going into too much detail sometimes managing people can be very draining and has at times spilled over into my home life because I cant seem to shake off the emotional rollercoaster that happens when the balance gets upset. Senior management are requesting a lot of analysis about the areas I manage and I also have to accept that each member of my team will have their own agenda about their work responsibilities which I may not always agree with. The difficulty is trying to get to that place where both of you understand and agree with what is expected and the conflict sparks when this cannot be agreed. I feel like I am constantly having to be diplomatic when really, I feel totally pissed off. Having to be professional and understanding is really doing my head it right now when really I’d just like to say grow up, do what you are paid to do, F**K off and stop moaning!! I know I am good at what I do and I have built a lot of respect but in these last 2 weeks, I have seriously considered whether managing people is what I really want to continue doing as I really can’t be arsed with having to manage other peoples bullsh*t behavior. I know I am probably finding it particularly hard at the moment as the wedding pressure is growing but why would I put myself in a position where I constantly have to battle it out over trivial shite when I could probably earn a crust doing something a lot less stressful. Lawd send me the winning lotto this week so I can find a lovely Georgian house somewhere where I can do pottery and have lots of babies!

There is only six weeks to go so I need to step up my beauty regime to make sure I look more like Beonce and not the bride of Frankenstein on my day. it has been a while since i have had a good gym and steam room, Jacuzzi session so I am going tonight. it is had to stick to it but I must get this done tonight as I have had a few palpitations recently. I thinks it because there are still a few bits and bobs to do and work is really stressing me out too. Why is it that god throws so many large balls at me at me when I treally don’t need them!!

I was a little nervous about what would haappen next but was not prepared to risk the thousands of pounds Renee and I had put into our wedding to be ruined by some incompetent bird who couldn’t be arsed to do her job properly. She sent me an email on the Tuesday morning intersted to find out how the tasing went and this was my reply!!
Morning Helen,

Thank you for contacting me to follow up on the Food tasting on Sunday. The staff on duty that evening were very professional. Unfortunately, there were communication errors in your letter to me and to the kitchen regarding the menu choices which I had to sort out on that morning.  You had also not communicated my food intolerance issues with the chef, so I was unable to try a lot of the food. I did offer to pay for the canapés (although I could only try a couple!) but was advised they were complimentary so thank you if it was you who arranged this. My sister & niece assisted me in making a lot of the decisions and we were very happy with the canapés and menu choices. I have briefly discussed some alternatives dishes with them for me which I will be confirming in writing.

As I’m sure you can understand, I was not very happy about the other important communication issues and if I am honest, I have had concerns for some time about the way my co-ordination has been managed so far. As a result, I have fully expressed my feelings on the matter and how I would like to move forward in an email yesterday to Andrew Beale and Mr Murray to which I am awaiting a reply before any further communication is made.

Kind regards
June Allen

The food tasting was on Sunday and as you will soon see, it did not go down well. As I was so pissed off I decided to send the Hotel manger and director my thoughts in the email below.
Dear Mr. Beale & Mr Murray
My fiancé and I have chosen to hold our wedding and reception on 12 August at the hotel, because of the stunning setting and experience we had at our friends’ wedding previously. I appreciate that you are a very busy man, but I understand your general manager has recently left and feel I have no option but to contact you regarding my concerns.

I have been very pleased with the majority of the staff I have spoken to at the hotel regarding my wedding, but I am unhappy with service I have received from Helen who is in charge of your wedding co-ordination team. The communication has been unsatisfactory and I would like to be reassigned to another co-ordinator for the following reasons.

I arranged an initial appointment to go through the final details and due to insufficient communication between the staff; I was stood up twice after traveling up to the hotel after work from Victoria. I was extremely annoyed on the second occasion but Richard (drinks manager I think) and the receptionist did a great job showing me around and doing their best to answer any questions to rectify the situation. Helen reassured me on the phone that she would do everything she could to ensure every thing when smoothly.
We decided that it was appropriate to cancel the canapés we had arranged for the 60 guests after the ceremony and include them for all 150 guests in the evening instead for the evening cocktail party. When I requested to include canapés at our food tasting, she was quote reluctant to arrange this I was advised and I quote ‘we don’t normally do this and it was too fiddly for the chef.’ After some persuasion she agreed to have a word with the chef then came back to me a couple of days later that chef would do them but that I would be charged! I’m sure you can understand my surprise at this cost especially after trebling the amount of people who would be eating them! I expressed my disappointment but decided not to escalate this further as I was not going to argue over £12.
As, there is a fifties influence to the day I wanted to have some signature cocktails made up along with having them served in traditional cocktail glasses. Helen informed me that there had been an external company who had visited the hotel about drinks and she advised that I could speak to them directly and that I would have to arrange this request all myself. However, during a subsequent conversation with a one of your helpful porter’s (Stan,) he advised that there was a barman (Guido) who was great at mixing cocktails and I should speak to the restaurant manger about what I wanted and they would help me. Why did Helen not discuss this with them on my behalf instead of sending me to a third party to do it myself also at more cost and time?
I advised Helen some time ago via email of the menu I wanted for the food tasting which was scheduled for yesterday at 7.30. There were a few amendments to the standard set menus as we were not sure which ones would suit our guests. A letter was sent by Helen confirming the menus, but when I checked them yesterday morning she had not read my email properly and there were foods that were not exactly as I had requested in my email. I called the restaurant manger who also confirmed that she had also passed the wrong information to them.
I also informed Helen some time ago that I had multiple food intolerances which were also confirmed in a letter. I was assured that the menu could be amended to allow for the foods I could not eat. However, during my discussion with the chef yesterday as per above, he was also unaware of this and obviously it was two late to allow for this for the tasting that evening. As a result my sister and niece had most of the food at the tasting as I would have become ill. I must add that the staff on duty (Matthew) was very professional.

I have only really had contact with Helen regarding the details above, and each time there seems to be basic errors made or miscommunication which I find totally unacceptable. I have nothing against her personally as she has always been polite, but I have lost faith in her ability to provide me with what I need for my wedding. I’m sure you can understand how important the day is for me and my family and I don’t want to have to micro manage all the relationship during the last important 6 weeks before the wedding. In view of the above, I would like to be reassigned to another co-ordinator who will assist me appropriately in making my day a success.

Thank you for your time and understanding and I look forward to your reply.
Kind regards
June Allen

Sunday morning we went off to Tux and Tails hire shop to look for Rene's outfit and it was another smooth find. I was having a few trauma’s about the waist coasts as I hate the nasty taffeta shiny shite they have with patterns all over them, trying desperately to be trendy but really just looking ridiculous. Why do so many brides fall into the trap of being convinced that their man has to wear his waist coat the same as the 'colour scheme' what a load of bollocks. I don’t have one. I have a feel for the day which includes several different colours and I don’t want my man in any of the poncy ones. I want my man to look and feel like a man not friggin Liberace!! I'm not going to tell you of course what we picked but I will say that my man is surely lookin' fine for his weddin' day to rarse!

After staying over at Lorna's to do her hair before she's off to Ibitha, I meet Gabe at Olympia to have a quick whip around the allergy show and then onto High Street ken for the bridesmaid dress hunt. It was clear that I did not want nasty bridey dresses but something summery and elegant that my sisters could easily where again to another event if they wanted to. It was a deliciously easy search and within half an hour we had found the dress. I didn’t buy it straight away cause I wanted to make sure of my sisters sizes. Once confirmed the next day, I went straight down and bought them. Jenny was over on Sunday evening for the food tasting so she tried hers on with a glamorous pair of heels... FABULOUS! is all have to say on the subject. Big sister had turned into saucy Sista so watch out! Must remember to post Marcia's tomorrow to make sure hers fits and I can take back if needed before the 28 days refund policy runs out.

Felt like shite this morning when I got up. irritable, fed up, drained, ugly, ok maybe not too ugly! I've been having a really hard time at work as there has been so much project work which involves alot of brain power!!! I am good at what I do but its very draining cause it usually involves gathering and analysing loads of information and then coming up with ideas which will help to resolve anything which is hindering the business. I think I need to apply the same principles to my own personal life cause I'm not always as thorough and analytical about what is going on in my life. And even if do the analytical stuff on myself, I have quite often been rubbish at executing what I need to do to make the changes. My problem alot of the time is that I am great when I have to turn it out at work or for other people but I always seem to put my self at the back of the queue when it comes to sorting out my own life. I know my life is not a disaster by any means but I know I could achieve alot of the things that always seem to be moved back and back as other things take priority. For the last ten years I have always wanted to write more, paint & sew more. but I have to accept that I can't do all these things and be addicted to Big brother, Kirsty and Phil or whoever is decorating whoever’s house at the time I switch on the telly! I dread to think how many hours over the years are spent doing mindless things when what I really what is to devote myself to more creative things and respecting my body and mind with more yoga and meditation. I'm so sick of hearing myself say these things but when am I actually going to do these things? When am I really going to allow myself to express what really makes me happy and do it without leaving it till tomorrow? its in these moments of stress that I realise just how much I need to be doing these things!!

Growing up, sometimes I used to wonder if anyone would ever love me enough to want to marry me. I always new I was a bit different at school and the boys always seem to look at everyone else accept me. I used to think it was because I was the only black girl in my class. I never felt pretty in those days and sometimes it was hard when all my friends seemed to be going on dates and things and I was always the one on the side at the school parties when the slow records came on. It felt like those tunes lasted for ever while I was stuck on those hard plastic chairs. I didn’t really start to flower until I left school and started to experiment with my look and became more independent after leaving home. On returning home to Ipswich once, I remember seeing a couple of boys that were in my class at school by chance and they were so shocked that it was me and were keen to get my number. They had that ' shit I remember being really ugly at school but now she's hot.' Funny enough I still felt quite ugly even when I was modelling. Now i know it had nothing to do with how I looked physically, but how I felt about myself. I knew I was not conventional and part of me thought I would not be accepted. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin these days and I love my eccentric quirky side. Today I am feeling particularly fine as while I was out with Gabe looking for wedding accessories in vintage brick lane, I was approached by a model scout to see if I was available to be in the next Black eye peas video next Thursday!!!!! She said it was £100 for the day, I could resist replying that I used to model in the past and was not prepared to do this for £100 Goodbye! Yes ladies and gentlemen, at 37, I'm still turning it out and feelin fine!!!!

Last weekend I had considered doing a car boot sale until i discovered just how much stuff I had to trawl through to make it happen. I decided that I would split the stuff to be sold into 2 groups. The shite group would have all the stuff that was branded and all the good label stuff would be in group 2 bound for my eBay obsessive’s. I’ll probably make more money from it there and reach more people. I seem to be going on a bit of shopping spree at the moment. not loads of expensive things but the clear out has unravelled alot of crap but also some beautiful pieces I had forgotten about. My favourite discovery was a pair of fabulous sun glasses which were a sixties shape with diamante’s in the corners which turned up. Kinda ' pink ladies' meets Dame Edna. I know that sounds rubbish but it's the first person that came into my head. They’re so groovy and I’ve been flexing them all weekend! My biggest shock was how shit my shoe & boot collection is. I have about 6 pairs that I really love but the rest is cheap, make do cack that I just throw around for work. Considering I claim to be a lover of shoes I’m pretty amazed at the lack of shoe investment. What I have done now is gone through everything and kept the stuff I love and some which is ok and practical for work. the rest is eBay or boot sale. I have decided that I will invest in more classic vintage pieces fro my whole wardrobe instead of cheap throw away fashion that I wouldn’t be seen dead in the following season. I’ve now created a list of gaps missing in my wardrobe of must haves treats (ie vintage Westwood, Biba, Ossie Clark etc) and I will start filling these gaps with some of the fab new vintage shops I have saved on eBay! More? I hear you cry? You didn’t think I was going to stop shopping just because I had clear out did you?