Sista..... Stand Up!

Last night as I descended the stairs to leave work there were police officers going back up into the building. I did think this was a bit strange but just thought it was something to do with thieves or something. This morning, I open my emails to a message that there was a hoax bomb threat last night. In this climate when everyone is remembering 9/11 and the London bombings etc it just makes me feel like shit. This just makes me feel like I'm not in control of my destiny and being surrounded by a lot of negative crap is really getting me down. Sometimes I just avoid reading any papers or listening to the news as its just too depressing and I find it hard to happy *about life when there are so many negative things which impact our lives. I want to be able to look forward to mine and my family's future but sometimes it's hard with all this terrorist bollocks!! Today, I have to find a way to pull myself out of this dark space and move on. Being scared or becoming a hermit means these people have one and despite not knowing if or when they will strike I have to live my life as best I can without being crippled by the fear.....

OMG on the way home from work I nearly threw up because of some dirty piece of filth that was quite happily picking his nose and eating it. I'm not talking about a sly one but blatantly have a right good old spin on the index finger in each nostril and then sucking off what ever came out. He was there checking each nostril and lunching for what seemed liked ages!!! I am gagging writing this but what the f*ck is that about!!! What possible reason or function is there for carrying out such a disgusting habit? I had to hold the newspaper up to cover my face so he was completely obscure from view as I would have been sick. Maybe I should take pity on him and offer him my banana if he's hungry? Never! This was a grown man properly on his way home from work. I felt really traumered and if I was not getting off at the next stop I could not have held in my disgust and shouted something so he would have felt shame! The horrendous thing is this is not the first time I've sat near someone doing the same thing!!! Another dirty, filthy pig of a man! ( Not seen any women doing it yet!) Some one please, please tell me, what is the purpose of this? Answers on a post card please....

Spoke to Sam tonight and she suggested going to Aruba? A gorgeous island in the Dutch Caribbean which is north of Venezuela. The trip Advisor site has thrown up a great hotel that is quite reasonable too. It’s the first place suggested the both of us seem to like so will defiantly be investigating further!! Thanks Sam!!

Tuesday, I got a card from the post office to say I needed to sign for a parcel. Yippeee it's the pictures but I can't get to the post office till Saturday cause of their dodgy opening hours, Drat!!!!!

That wedding shit has well and truly wiped me out like a bitch! It's been exactly one month since I got hitched and I had no idea that I would feel this rubbish. I had two days off work last week because of one nasty eye infection but what was strange was that I also didn't get out of bed for those two days due to sheer exhaustion. My body was aching so much and I just felt mashed. I am so used to driving myself to the limit that I took it for granted and now that my body has held out for the wedding and need to take some time out and be kind to myself for a while. I am soo not used to doing that though….

After fighting with myself about whether to go and purchase some of the delicious shoe candy during my lunch hour that I clocked in Grazia, I decided to take trip over to the park instead to gather my thoughts and save some money. I woke up this Monday morning feeling decidedly pissed like the rest of the nation that I had to get up for work. Why could I not just be rich enough to stay at home with Fern and Philip for a while until I decided what I was going to do next. This feeling was quickly extinguished when I remember today is the 5 year anniversary of 9.11. The day when the US towers were brought to their knees by angry extremists trying to make a point. 3,000 innocent families whose wounds will be reopened by the site of all the TV coverage of that heinous day. The unfair deaths and testimonies I had seen over the last week in tribute to the hero's and estranged families, made me think again about my own mortality and where I am in my life right now. Having to go though such devastation like those people does not bare comprehension but its still so easy to take life for granted unless you experience something as horrendous as that. I start to remember the London bombings and how frightening it was to be so close to such an event. Funnily enough, I heard part of a conversation on TV from Justin Timberlake yesterday. I have no idea what else he was rambling on about but the only bit I hear is, 'You have to take risks if you want to change the world!' and I thought about this application in my life. Life is just to short to be going with the flow all the time. I know I mentioned before about taking some risks but when do I plan on doing something about it? One of the strange things about righting this diary is that writing stuff down really puts your thoughts out there and it almost becomes a dare to myself? Writing it down is the start of a possibility and the dream starts to become the seed of reality? Its then down to me to choose if want to water it or not? What would you do?

The main man Alton rocked the house again!! The guy knows how to sing a tune and this time his son is their to sing some songs too who was really good. I call my brother a few times and hold up the phone so the best tunes are left live on his VMS. I text Laorna at the end of the night to thank her again for the wicked wedding pressy!! Alton has been around doing his thing since the 1950’s and has seen black music evolve over the years so it must be quite strange for him. The biggest compliment for him must be to see so many different types of people, young and old giving him the utmost respect and love for his legendary work. All I have to say again is Reeeewin’ selecta!!

The fabulous Gabriel looks after Boy George’s PR and is organising everything at London fashion week next Friday for his show. It should be quite an event this year with all the recent press George has had with the rubbish collecting incident in New York! I'm really excited because Gabe has asked me to go and help and I will also get a full back stage pass to go to all the after parties etc too!! I have taken half day off work to get their early (show is not until 6pm) and will be assisting with the seating arrangements to get all the right fashion lovies their places. Can’t wait!

After several long conversations with Trailfinders we still have no firm decision about where to go for the honey moon. I have suggested several places and friggin Rene always seems to have an excuse why he does not want to go their. I thought it would be nice to choose somewhere with a completely different culture with a lot of spiritual history. Ok so I think Asia would be good. Rene says, Not Thailand because he would worry about the Tsunami, Not Bali because of the bombings in 2002. Friggin pensioner! These are big countries and a lot of people have returned to these places, but as annoying as it is I want him to feel comfortable too so the search continues…..

During the last couple of days it has been difficult to escape the news about the tragic death of the Croc man killed by a stingray. I also watched the channel 4 show about the miracle of stairway B which was about how 14 people survived the collapse of the twin towers against the odds. There were some moving testimonies of how they thought they were going to die. There was an old black lady with a bad leg who could not move fast enough down the stairs. She was in a lot of pain and told the fire fighters to leave her in the stair well but their decision to not leave her was what saved their lives. Thousands of people died in this horrific act but these 14 people were the only ones to survive the collapsed towers and tell the tale. These events have opened my eyes to how fragile life is and how much I take for granted about my own life. These people thought they were going to work on a normal day which turned into nightmare. None of us know when it’s our time to go. What would I be doing today if I knew how long I had left? Would I still be traveling on this tube going to work? Would I still choose to do this job? Which relationships would I work harder on? Who have I not told how much I love them? I have never had anyone really close to me die so I have no idea how devastating that is but I should remember that each day is a gift. Having loving friends and family is a gift that should not be taken for granted. As I get older I hear more and more stories of young people who I know (but are not close to) getting cancer. ME, etc. I complain about my food allergies but I should remember that it is manageable and there are people out there who do not have the luxury of being sourounded with the otherwise good health and the love I have in my life. Death is something I have thought about a lot over the last couple of weeks and this is because I have been really happy and in my subconscious I suppose I’m scared of loosing what I have. The key is not to dwell on death and loosing what I have but enjoying what I have and giving love to those around me until it is time for me to leave this crazy planet.

One evening while we were slumped watching TV, I got a tight hug and a, 'you all right Mrs. A.B?' I loved that! And that's what he always calls me now. Yeah, I'm Mrs AB... Its kinda, 'yeah I'm the wife but a still a cool ghetto one!' In celebration of my new tag, I've decided to have a Ghetto gold name necklace made with it and will be checking out eBay at the weekend for bargain one. I never expected to feel any different being married but I do.... There have been a couple of times when I have glanced down at the rings on my hand and thought OMG does that mean my s*x life will be over in few years and I’ll only be allowed to be frumpy and nag my husband to death…? I really hope not. Anyway, alot of my friends are still foxy wifes with children so why not me. Rene and I always talked about how it would be no different because we lived together etc and it was just a big celebration declaring our love but something has shifted between us and it feels really nice. I know this is the honey moon period and it wont be long before I am snarling at his beard cuttings in the sink but somehow, I do feel more secure about us and it has unlocked a little part in both of us that we didn't know existed... Mmmmm….

Today we received a card from the post office that needed to be signed for. I was very excited as I thought it may be the official pictures!! I got up really early and drove down to the delivery office and picked up the parcel. Its not the photos but the gift list with all the messages and confirmation of the final total we had in out honeymoon pot!! WOW, out guests have been very generous and the well wishing messages were really special and brought all memories back. No blubbering this time!! Thank you all so much for being so generous!!!! Rene and I will be flying off somewhere fabulous.I have already designed our Thank You cards but I am waiting for the official pictures website link to put in before I send them out. Have changed our mind again about Hawaii, have found fabulous website called trip adviser.com where people register their honest opinions about hotel and areas they have visited across the world!. There are popularity ratings, tips about restaurants, site seeing, how touristy it is etc. This means that I can research some fabulous places from people who have already been there so we don’t waste our money.

I had so many lovely responses from the staff at the hotel and our wedding was one of there favourites!! Hears what they said!

Dear June,
So glad to hear everything went well in the end.
Thank you so much for passing on the lovely comments which are on the staff board for all to read.
Kindest regards,
Andrew Beale

Hi June
Thank you so much for your kind letter and I will pass on your comments to all the staff concerned.I am so glad that eveything went so well for you and it was lovely to meet you and Rene last Friday.
I do wish you both a very happy and healthy future life together and look forward to catering for the "christening" in the not too distant future!!!!
Kindest regards
Sharon
Conference & Banqueting Co-ordinator

Dear June.
I thought I should just e-mail you in receipt of your very kind e-mail. I have forwarded it on to Andrew Beale to read upon his return from holiday next week. I am glad you had a super day and the staff certainly enjoyed making it a special day for you and Rene. Do keep in touch with us here at West Lodge. And if you were to have a Christening it would be the iceing on the cake! (make it sooner rather that later)!!Many congratulations again to you both. And we wish you every happiness for your future together.
Kind Regards
Oliver Chrisitian & All Staff at the West Lodge Park Hotel.

One of things nice things I have learned during my life is the satisfaction and joy of saying thank you. Not the programmed ‘thank you’ you say when you have asked for and got something small but being sincere and open, saying it with love and when it’s least expected. I remember reading something Maya Angelo said, ‘People rarely remember what you said or did, but they never forget how you made them feel.’ It is for this reason that I wrote the personal thank you notes to my closet friends, saying how much I appreciate there friendship and how much I loved them. It really makes me feel good to know I have mode someone I love feel good about themselves.
Some weeks ago, I emailed the managing director of the hotel to shout about how upset I was with the shit service I received from Helen, and today I will be writing to the same director to express how impressed I was with the way things were turned around. Here’s the email below that I sent to the Hotel director, I also copied all the relevant staff so they knew how much I appreciated their hard work.
Dear Mr. Beale,
Some weeks ago, I wrote to you with concerns regarding my dissatisfaction with the co-ordination of my wedding. Today, I am writing to let you how fabulous the day went and to commend Ian and his team for their hard work during our fabulous celebration.
Ian did a fantastic job during our initial meeting to discuss my concerns and turn things around. I actually really enjoyed the meeting and left there feeling very reassured that things would be ok and everything went so smoothly from then on. Sharon, assisted me through the rest of the wedding details up until the big day and she was extremely professional and a real pleasure to work with.
The staff on the day itself did an amazing job and I have had so many comments from the guests about how beautiful the venue was and how lovely the staff were. In particular, Chris was an extremely approachable guy and Co-coordinated the day beautifully. Pat (bar), Karen & Oliver (reception) and the restaurant manager (Sorry forgotten his name, Simon in think?) were all extremely friendly and again very approachable. I have to say though, that the man of the hour was Stan! A lovely warm character who all of my family took a shine too. He was very helpful way before the big day when I visited the venue and he was there on hand with my family from the moment they checked in on the Friday evening till the day we all checked out on Sunday lunch time. A real gem!
I have worked within the retail/service industry for many years so I am a firm believer in giving feedback as well as credit where it's due. Rene and I, thank you and your team so much for making the day such a joyous occasions with lots of lovely memories.
I look forward to returning hopefully for the Christening!! Ha! Ha!
Best Regards
June Allen-Baptiste

I had quite an interesting conversation yesterday with someone about my bush blog information! Is it too much information for my readers? Should I censor some bits? Would my distant grannies be horrified? Probably yes? Am I bothered? I know I should but not really? It’s not because I disrespect my elders but anyone who knows me or who has been reading this blog knows my sense of humour. Obviously I don't always tell you warts and all about what happens in my life but I did want the diary to have few little edgy bits in it that would also make you laugh and also be a little controversial. If you are honest you know you are also probably reading it as well because I’ve slipped in a few cheeky things and not kept the diary safe and boring. All hail my bush!!

Spoke to Lorna today for the first time since the wedding and we hooked up for lunch. It was so great to see her again and we had a good old gossip about everything I missed at the wedding. She has a club night again soon so I will be going to that but she then confirms that she is no longer doing that night in Notting Hill but is looking for a new Venue. I hope she gets a break cause she is really talented as those of you who heard her wicked set at the wedding will know!! After our lunch break I return to work and get an email from Lorna which says she has bought tickets for René and I to see Alton Ellis as a wedding gift!! Of course I was not going to tell her that we have already seen him live cause he was WICKED and we would both love to see him again so really looking forward to that!!!!!

After a full week at work I have found life back at work quite tough as all the previous demands I had before going on annual leave started to kick in again. What I found most difficult is having to go back to managing my food, work thing vigorously again. It has really got me down this week. While I was off, it was easy for me to cook as required and not feeling pressure to have to cook everything allergy free from scratch the night before for work. To top it all I've been getting comments from people about how I’m loosing weight again which I had not really noticed. Gad I wish I could tell them to STFU when I know they don't really understand and are only saying it because they worry about me. I was also shown some pictures of me at work a year ago at the summer ball where I was much bigger. I did find this quite hard because it is such a struggle and was quite surprised my weight had gone down so much. I wish it was as simple as having a fry up everyday and lots of cakes but it's just not like that. Right now I feel like food is like an ugly heroin addiction. You crave it and need it to survive but it makes you ill once you’ve had it. Sometimes it makes me really angry because it's so hard to have to read everything your buy and cook everything allergy free so I don’t get all the horrid symptoms I had 2 years ago. I also react more quickly to things now because my system is so much cleaner. I know I need to have this rant and move on as staying angry is not going to help me. What I need to do now is get back on the food wagon and organise myself to make the best of a shite situation. Fill up the freezer with pre coked stuff I’m made and stock up on proper snacks that I can eat at work. If I plan to start trying for a baby soon then it’s also another reason to take this situation by the horns to make sure my body is in the best of health.

Now the wedding is done I am really looking to going Honeymoon. It actually a bit of mission to pick somewhere. I banned the Caribbean as we had been there so many times before and I thought it was important to experience a different part of the world that was just as beautiful. I looked through all of their brochures and Fiji looks amazing. I have always been intrigued by the rain forests in the south pacific but it was quite expensive and then I also saw that the flight was 20+ hours which totally put Rene off so that was not going to happen! One of the things that annoyed me most about these holidays is that they have all these honeymoon extras like rose petals on the bed, champagne in your room etc, all very sweet but then they friggin charge you an extra 3k to go their! I decided to call Trailfinders and have an honest conversation about what was possible for our budget. If it’s going to cost us so much less without the fluff but still having somewhere nice then so be it. I'll bring my own friggin rose petals!! They gave me some quotes for 7 days in Hawaii in a 4* hotel and she quotes me 6K to stay there!! These people are jokers!! Then some friends of ours had just got engaged and decided they wanted to get married their so it seemed silly for us to go their for honey moon to. Time to look elsewhere.
What about Mexico? Brochure looked good but my instinct was saying no and it was just not pushing any buttons for me. It just did not shout once in a lifetime place. How about India? The Maldives and Sri Lanka both looked amazing but again was not really pushing the buttons because deep down I suppose I really wanted to go to Hawaii. Change of plan! Our friends have now changed their minds twice more and have finally decided on Florida. Fabulous! We will be doing Hawaii whatever happens now as we need to make our own decisions between us and book things up soon if we want to go in January.

Part of me was looking forward to seeing everyone at work again as I do have a great relationship with my team but I could do without having to go back to drudgery of the whinging, reporting, project work, and having to be Mary friggin House of Fraser Poppins! As I opened the office door there was a round of applause and my desk was covered with confetti. Tin cans and ribbon were also tied to my chair and on my desk there was a large collage of all their own pictures of the wedding. It was really lovely. As you can imagine, not a lot of work got done that day! I caught up on all the juicy gossip I missed and how much they all enjoyed themselves. I was told the event was the hot topic of conversation all last week. There were lots of private parties going on way after the reception finished and there were quite a few sore heads in the morning! A good time was had by all then!!

On of the things I was not expecting was the sadness I would feel now that the planning has come to an end. It's not so much the physical work that I miss but the people I have built relationships with. Sam, the cake lady, Claudette, responsible for my amazing headdress. Ian, the hotel manager, and Sharon the co-ordinator. Also Stan, the hotel porter who took a real shine to the family and completely looked after us before and during the big day. It’s nice to be able to relax after having so much work to do, but I do feel sad. I now have a huge box of magazine cuttings, fabric, post its, and all the stationary bits which will be put together in a large posh scrapbook to show all the planning. Everyone keeps asking me what I intended to do after the wedding with all the planning completed and I kept saying I’ll be fine, house, babies etc. there will be lots. Yes, I still have all these things to do but it still feels sad about all the friends I made. The Hotel invited us back for afternoon tea last Friday so Rene and I went back for a chat and to show them all the pictures we have so far. It was lovely to see them all again and I made a promise to them that I would email the hotel director to tell him how fabulous everyone was.

I have received so many pictures from friends that are lovely I have decided to collate all the good ones and use them in the final wedding album. I have found some great advice in an old wedding magazine which talks about a a websites which allows you to download a book template and enter your digital pictures with text, scans etc. you then upload the book back onto the site and it prints its off and sends a large coffee table style book. No more photo corners no sticking things in. Just a very slick book with everything in it. I have decided that there will be two books. One which will just have pictures from the day itself like a contemporary album and the second one will be a proper book with all the details of how the event was organized. What other ideas I thought about and ditched. Extracts from this diary along with extra stuff that is not on here. Pictures of other outfits, venues, cakes, fabrics etc etc that never made it to the big day. This will have a lot more writing in it but will give a blow by blow account of how I made it happen. It will also contain a list of all the books, films, people and websites that inspired me. I am always pestering my parents about what they did in the old days and where the photos are, so I am also doing this for my children so they know how I felt during such an important stage of my life and how I was personality wise as a younger women. When I am grey and old I can read it, remember and laugh.....

Just because the wedding day is done it does not mean that the work is over. I am surprised that there is still so much to do but I am kind of glad as although I have the opportunity to rest more I still have lots of little projects to keep me going. When I got back to the flat there was so much stuff to sort out. There is a large box in the corner with all things wedding related to sort out. Fabric card, tear sheet, receipts, bills, ribbon, books, wedding cards, spare everything's. At some point I needed to decide what would be thrown out and what would go into my wedding treasure chest. My dress was now hanging up behind the door and it was still in pristine condition. I have ordered a special box for it which is acid free so it can be stored lovingly without going yellow. It’s so beautiful and such a classic shape maybe my daughter could wear it? Maybe she won't want to but I remember how excited I was when I first saw my mums and tried it on. I want her to have the same experience. I also have a separate box order for my shoes, headdress and underwear. I want to make sure everything is preserved. Apart from the outfit preservation there is also the thank you cards, the wedding photos & albums to organize, build up mail to address and the budget to finalise. Who said I wouldn't have anything else to do!!

Mum and dad would be flying back to Florida in the morning so we arranged one last dinner at my sisters house to say goodbye. I would not see them again for some time so it was important that we went and enjoyed them one last time before going home. Some month's ago, I had told my mother that I wanted to write a book about her life. She was going to be 70 in 3 years time and Jennifer suggested that we all go over and plan a big 70th birthday party for her. I decided that this would be my deadline and she would get the book as a birthday gift. We agreed that I would send lots of questions or we would talk on the phone when she got back I bought her a Dictaphone so she could record her answers and send me the tapes. As this was her last evening with us for a while I took this as an opportunity to ask her and dad loads of questions about the old days and I filmed the whole evening on my camcorder. This turned out to be THE best evening! We heard many stories for the first time about old boyfriends, blues parties in the fifties. Old friends they used to hang out with in Ipswich. How she felt when she got pregnant with her first child and how she told dad. What was in her cardboard grip (Caribbean slang for suitcase) when she first came over on that plane. We all sat in wonder as they reminisced about everything and I got a good 2 hours worth of footage. I don't really want to go into much into detail about her answers because I have other plans for the book and you never know, maybe you will get the chance to buy it to read for yourself!!

The wedding day was also Rene's late mother's birthday. I will always be sad that I never got the chance to meet her so I wanted to include her somehow without making Rene feel sad about her not being at the wedding. I suggested that some of the beautiful flowers from the day should be placed on her grave so we went there today. We changed the water in the jar from our last visit and placed two large bouquets from the wedding day by her headstone. I felt a mixture of love and sadness as we stood aside her. I told her that I was sorry I never met her and promised to take good care of her son.

This is going to be really quick but it was so sweet I just had to put this in... Rene was talking to me this morning before going to the gym and he said, 'there's no more planning to do for the big day babes, its time to start thinking about our own home for little big nose!' How cute is that? I love my husband!!

We received our first 2 pictures on Monday morning from Derek and Ivan which were really sweet. My dear Miranda has also been very generous with her delivery of the memories. 3 days after the wedding I receive two copies of the wedding video, it was so lovely to be able to relive it again and see all the bits I missed. 6 days after the wedding I receive the most beautiful set of prints along with the set on disc. The photos could easily have been the official ones as they were so beautifully taken. She had also paid a little extra to have the hand finished in the processing which really showed. As a wedding gift she is creating a serious of scrap books which will show the hen night and the wedding day. I have no pictures of the hen and Miranda says they are so fabulous she insists that she give them to me in person. Cant wait!! Here is the link for Miranda’s pictures.

http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/younggiftblack/album?.dir=/mail&.src=ph&.tok=phnXLYFBXgBm.Qmi

After the intensity of the last 6 months and the events of the big day I begin to wonder just what my married life will actually look like. I know things won't miraculously change overnight but I wonder if the act of saying all those vows and declarations will throw anything up and surprise me. Funnily enough during the week after the wedding I had heard various gossip stories of the trials within other peoples relationships which kind of freaked me out a bit a bit. Obviously I’m not going to dish any of the dirt on here. It’s not that I think that my marriage will be perfect, but I just didn’t want to be confronted with other peoples shit the same week of my wedding. If I'm honest some of the stuff did leave me feeling a bit vulnerable at first but I soon got over it. One morning, I had mum all to myself as René took dad out for breakfast after returning their hired suits. We talked for ages about her relationship with dad. The joys, tears, children, motherhood, integrity, illness but most of all, her love and determination to fight and keep her family together against the odds. More about that later! In a way it’s a blessing that I have heard about other peoples challenges as I will remember that none of us are perfect and all we can do is be true to ourselves and leave the rest to ‘her’ upstairs.