Sista..... Stand Up!

I am sitting in the ipod shop, as once again my ipod is not playing the game. I had heard stories previously of others having issues after about a year but I had been lucky up until 6 mths ago. It started freezing and stopping by itself. I had just paid £50 2 months ago to get a replacement and there was only 1 mth left on the warranty so I had to get it sorted. They shouted my name and I got some rude twat who kept going about it having some sort of 'impact' which is why it was freezing. I told him I had not dropped it and he then started saying it could have been knocked in my bag, pocket etc. I repeated that this had not happened but what I really wanted to say was, 'listen hear you raggedy arse fool, this machine has not had any ' impact' as you call it. The friggin thing is not working properly so sort it out before I find somewhere ti shove it!’ He restored the soft wear and I leave still pissed off with the idiot. Now it’s back on the PC to load all 3000 songs back on! I feel an abusive email coming on………

Still no word from Clarice, and if I am honest I'm not that surprised. I do feel a bit sad about it but that's life. I ain't no friggin 'beg a frien' so if she now becomes part of one of my memorable friends of the past then that is the way it has to be. We did have some great times and she taught me alot about being free to be yourself. She was the first hot bisexual black women I ever met and I loved her spirit. Before you ask, no, we never did a 'ting' but we were very close during our tour days and I grew to love her. Not in a lezzie way you understand. I have some fabulous memories though and with this recent drama alot of the old memories have come back. There was one time when we went out in london and got very drunk. We ended up in the seedy part of Soho and in the midst of our silliness dared each other to go into one of the peep shows in a seedy side street! After a period of juvenile giggling and hesitancy, ‘Shall we? Sharn’t we? We eventually handed over the 2 quid pushing each other in front of the other. The man on the door looked rather puzzled at first but was smiling at the same time as he pushed the tokons into our hands. We were ushered into a small booth with what looked like a small letter box in front of us. We placed the tokens into the coin slot and the letter box creaked open. Oh my god! We giggled like a couple of teenagers as this ropey bird was writhing around on a large slender black stool. She had her legs wide open and her 'business' was 'talking' right in front of the glass. I remember being mortified by the shape of it and thinking, ‘I ‘m glad mine looks nothing like that!’ It looked more like a large clam which had been battered and stretched by the fishmonger! We were both killing ourselves laughing as we then noticed that she was not only aware that there were 2 people in the booth, but girls as well. She started laughing too and writhed around even more! Gosh I really do miss the laughs we used to have! When she was happy she lit the whole street. She really was absolutely beautiful. As lively as she was, I would also often witness a real sadness in her eyes which I never really understood. This sadness always made me feel the need to protect her somehow but she never really let me or anyone else in that I can remember. Most people I saw her get close too were kept at a comfortable distance. As much as I am disappointed that she has not contacted me back I will always have a soft spot for her and the great times we spent together in the past. I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet someone with so much spirit. I really hope she is happy......

Rene has been nagging me for some time about getting my ‘lady’ checks done as it has been a while. I reluctantly made the appointment and spent ages talking to the women doc. about everything from hormone checks to what school her kids went too in total avoidance of what was going to happen at the end of the session! She was really laughing as she knew what I was up to and said come on lets get it over with! No matter how many times you go for a friggin smear you never get use to having a stranger fumbling between your legs then plunging a large silver dinosaur up ya jacksie. I’m still limping! … Ehhhhh!!!

As soon as I knew that a member of my team was leaving I was on the case with HR for CV’s etc. I am always astonished by the lack of care people take with their CV’s and then they are surprised when they get no interviews. Most of the problems are with basic language or grammar and these are people who have degrees!! They actually make it quite easy for me to shortlist sometimes as I won’t even entertain any CV’s where they have not taken any care. Hello, spell check!! Another common mistake is not to tailor the CV to suit the job they are applying for. The position I am trying to fill was for a Helpdesk assistant, yet I have CV’s from people passionate about IT, Animation, etc. these just go straight in the bin! I have already done a couple of interview last week, one of which talked far to much and the other turned out to be coming to the end of his student Visa dates and wanted a job in order to stay in the country! Shame as he was great! I decided to give the chatterbox another chance putting her gassing down to nerves but she was worse on the second interview talking about and I quote ‘Me and my manger we getting ‘cherps’ by some customers!’ and then saying how she helped some of her students cheat in their half term exams and how she told her friends that I was ‘Safe!’ Oh dear, sorry I did not advertise for any chavs for this position! She made the classic mistake of assuming she had already got the job by having a second interview and she was far too over familiar for my liking! I know she would get on my nerves and I would end up in HR for super gluing gaffer tape around her mouth… Next!!

Today felt quiet strange as a member of my team is leaving today. As a manager you’re always told that getting the balance right between boss and friend can be quite difficult. Sometimes it has been a challenge but I work very hard with my team to make sure they are comfortable at work at a personal level as well as guiding them to do what they are required to do business wise. I know that part of the success of my team is because it’s not just my job to get the calls answered within the helpdesk I manage but also being a bit of a life coach & therapist. There are moments when I have to deal with tantrums, tears, and having to deliver unpopular news but it has made me grow and learn. I have learnt a lot about myself, best of all knowing when to stop driving myself crazy and taking off my Mary Poppins hat.

I had been in meeting for most of today and when I got back to my desk there was a message from reception to say there was a parcel for me! I thought this a little odd as I had not ordered anything. When I got downstairs, it was some really sweet flowers from the team member who was leaving. There was also a card which thanked me for putting up with her and for being a great supervisor. We had had our ups and downs and I remember thinking when I first met her that she was going to be the cheeky one! Despite this, I do have a real soft spot for her and was sad that she was leaving. She was such a large character in the team and I knew the dynamics would change when she was gone. There are times when I question whether I am good at my job but her gesture was really touching and makes me think that I am doing something worth while…..

5 days after the confused text, I send this email.
Subject:From a sad friend.
Hi Clarice,
I hope you and kiya are well. I received your text and if I am honest I had to question if was meant for me? If it was then I am even more confused. I have felt that our friendship has been a little odd over the last few years. Part of it I feel is because I have not always been honest with you about my feelings. I made a promise to myself recently that I would stop focusing on always trying to be nice all the time and more about being honest. That’s not to say that that I am going to start being rude to people but that I need to express when I am not happy about things to those I care about.

I never really know where I am with you Clarice. There are times when I have felt that you have shut me out of your life in the past and I said nothing but was secretly upset. I care about you a great deal but I am also upset that you did not bother to acknowledge my wedding. It was quite a small affair but I invited you to show how much I still cared about you and wanted you there. If I’m honest I had a feeling you may not make it as I know it could be expensive and then having to organize child care etc. what I was not expecting was to hear absolutely nothing from you since sending the invite (end of June) until last week. I’m not upset because you didn’t make it; I’m upset because you didn’t contact me to say you couldn’t make it and wish me well. I feel like you pissed on my olive branch. I don’t know what goes on in your world and I know it must be hard to bring up a child on your own but I feel I deserved better than the strange text where you say that you are there for me? How can I trust that you will be when you shut me out? I’m sorry if you feel that this is hard to read but I have to be honest. Friendships cannot grow without honesty. I still care about you but I need people in my life who I can be honest with and wants a friendship with mutual respect. If you feel I am asking too much of you then I am sorry but that is what I need.

I wish you the best Clarice and hope you truly find happiness. I have, and really wanted to share that with you?

As I hurried down the stairs into the underground a frail brown lady caught my eye. She was moving at 2 miles and hour with a large bag while the rest of us whizzed past her during the busy rush hour. Every ten steps she would pause for a break, bag down, barely drawing breath. I stop and ask if she wants some help. Her skin is so dry and her cheeks are sallow. She must be a size 0 as the clothes she had on were hanging off her. She refused my help but her dark sunken eyes stared back at me saying something else. This city makes you cynical and although I felt she wanted my help, there is always that feeling that someone could try to rip her off. I walked on past but just before I went down the escalator, I looked back and she had stopped again to wipe her face. My heart told me that I couldn’t leave her there so I went back. ‘Come on’ I said, at least let me hold one handle and you hold the other and we can carry the bag together?’ I knew she would feel safer and more reassured this way. Before waiting for her response I had already picked up my side and she just looked at me and smiled. After a little while she opened up told me she had just discharged herself from hospital and was going to Victoria coach station. A man had picked up her bag by mistake in the hospital and so she was having to take a long journey to swap them back. I decided to take her right up to the coach park as it would have taken her ages in the rush hour to get there. She says she has a major stomach problem (sounded like cancer although she did not say it) can’t keep anything down. She just had an op and has been loosing 3 kilos a week as she cannot eat! She also has desperate breathing problems and asked me if I smoked. I said no and she said she did and told me never to start! She looked so ill, I was really worried that she would not make it to her destination. We stopped every so often to let her catch her breath. I then took most of the weight of the bag to ease her load and we walked on… She said her brother lived near her so he was looking after her and she had people who would visit. We saw her bus was in the stop so I hurried so she would make it. She wanted my details so we could meet when she got well but it was too late. I told her my name but I didn’t want her to miss her bus while I gave her my number. I put the bag on the bus and she boarded. She shouted thank you and waived her spindly brown hand out of the window. I smile back and on the way back down to the tube fell strangely emotional and tearful about her… I hope she’s ok?

What is it about this week that is throwing all these emotional challenges at me? Today I got a text from a old ‘friend’ that I have been a little confused over for some time. I write ‘friend’ in inverted commas because I never know where I stand with her so I’m not even sure if I can call our relationship a friendship? Some years ago we met not long after I started modeling. We did a few modeling jobs together and ended up going on the road for about year dancing for a old pop group called the Nightcrawlers. I remember the first time I saw her, she was fierce! Confident, beautiful and capable of turning any man to putty with her sexual magnetism. Shit that women had horny written all over her and men and women flocked to be near her. I was a different kind of women then, a lot more reserved and not as confident so to meet someone who was so beautiful and slightly batty (in a good way) was amazing for me. We traveled all over Europe on tour doing TV’s, magazines, road shows, clubs. We had a great time earning quite good money and seeing different places flying all over the place. I remember one memorable TV we did when we were doing rehearsals for this show in Germany and we were all on stage doing the routine when I witnessed her hair fly off her head and into the middle of the stage! Yes!! Her wig had flown off her head in front of the whole crew, exposing the short nappy hair underneath; we all laughed so hard that day!!! We spent a lot of time together over this period and I grew to love her very much. We were still close after we stopped touring but we saw each other less and less. She had always loved Italy and had been learning the language for some time while on tour. She eventually moved to Italy and fell in love with a man there. She also had a child. We still communicated although not all the time and then one day I got a random email joke and I noticed that her surname had changed and that’s how I found out she had got married. If I am honest I was quite upset! Not because I wasn’t invited but because I thought we were friends and she did not tell me. I would have understood if it was a small affair with the two of them or whatever. I said nothing at the time as its not my business but I wish I had been more honest about how I felt at the time. This year we sent a few emails and I even saw her and her son for the first time. He’s absolutely beautiful. I still love her very much and wanted to still invite her to my wedding so I told her. I sent an invite and even asked her along to ‘Femme (hen) night.’ I heard nothing from her since until this text which says that she loves me and that she knows she’s and dizzy bird but is here if I need her? Eh!!!! I don’t have a child so I have no understanding of the pressures, physically or emotionally so I am not going judge her for that. If I am honest I did not think she would be able to come to the wedding as it would be expensive etc. But I wanted to invite her as a way of saying how much I still cared about her and I wanted her to be part of my life regardless. I am really upset as there was no acknowledgement of the invitation? No email to say can’t come but to wish me luck anyway? Nothing! Then to get this text now makes no sense to me. I remember hearing that there are people that come into your life at difference stages of your growth and sometimes you just have to learn to let people go. I did not respond initially to the text as I did not want to say anything while I was upset with her. One of my weaknesses is to hide my feelings so as not to upset people but that does not work as you just end up being resentful and people learn that they can behave how they like without thinking how things affect you. I know she has access to this diary, but I don’t know if she reads it any more. I can’t have people in my life that I cannot be honest with and I need to let people know when something doesn’t work for me. I’m don’t want to be a victim, I’m saying that I still love her but if she wants to be my friend she needs to friggin fix up!! I need to be honest with people now so I will be responding back to the text. If you are there and reading this? Now you know…..

After all the drama of this week I’ve stepped off my angry box and into my rational chair with some realisations about how to deal with some of the shall I say without swearing some of the more ‘challenging’ people in this world! Some of the fools I have been in contact with recently in various areas of my life are so committed to being right that they can’t see that everyone ultimately looses because of their stubbornness! What I mean is that sometimes you can be sooo right about something but that doesn’t necessarily mean that your ‘right’ is right for everyone else. And what happens is that you becaom deaf and blinded to seeing past your own point of view. There is absolutely no listening and its so frustration not to be able to progress with certain projects when a level of reliance on other people is required which I absolutely hate. I’ve always been fiercely independent and the idea of being hindered by a stubbord a*shole drives me nuts. I’m not talking about expecting people to agree with everything I say. But what I am asking is that there is a middle ground that we can both work towards and focus on that. What pi**es me off is when people will not entertain the middle ground and sit on their god damn, cotton pickin’ ‘right’ stool. What I have learned is that if I have a job to do and there are people who for whatever reason are just not getting it than I will just have to go into fifth gear and go around them. Nothing’s gonna stop this Sista! My dignity is more important that a probably well deserved Jamaican tongue lashing or a swift bitch slap! The only person causing the obstruction is me giving these people to much importance. As soon as you give away your power you feel controlled by that person or thing and that’s when you get frustrated. So next time we have an discussion about something and you’re the only person who thinks your right, open your friggin ears and just be open to sitting in someone else’s shoes? You may still not agree but at least you get more respect from listening and maybe you’ll learn something in the process…..

On my return from work I was knocked on the neighbour’s door as she had said she would accept a parcel for me. Gosh it was really big, but know it would be be as it contained the handmade preservation boxes for my dress, accessories and keep sakes. After dragging the box up the stairs to the bedroom, I felt really sad as this would be the last time I would look at my wedding dress for some time and it felt so final. The Boxes were absolutely beautiful. Thick sturdy boxes painted with soft pink antique roses and lids with large blush pink, satin bows. The insides are beautifully lined with ivory lace around the rim. As advised by the box company, I line the base of the smallest box in the acid free tissue paper provided, this will protect the contents. My vintage shoes still bare the little water marks from the drizzle we had on the big day. I had been walking around in the grounds and the water mark has just stained the tips. I love the fact that they are not perfect. They were original 50’s pieces and had hardly been worn when I bought them. I like to think some Hollywood starlet type enjoyed them before I married my true love. I know… I’m such an old romantic! I roll tissue inside the shoes and think about how I will feel when I am Mum’s age and get them out … Shoes go in the box and plenty of tissues on top. I gently overlay my wedding underwear, more tissue and then the lid,

And now for my dress. The biggest box is also lined well with the acid free tissue paper; this will protect the fabric and stop it going yellow. I unzip my wedding dress from the large black holder for the last time and lift it gently onto the bed. It’s still in pristine condition with no marks or stains. I hold it up against me for the last time in the mirror and smile. I’m hoping my little girl will one day look and love it as much as I do. I’m so glad I have the little piece of my Mums dress inside, stitched perfectly to sit against my heart. I lift the tulle skirt into the box and place more tissue inside before over laying the beaded bodice. I place some more tissue inside the bodice before covering the top of the whole thing for extra protection, the lid goes on, and it’s slipped into the bottom of my freshly vacuumed wardrobe.

I am actually really blo*dy angry today. I have not been this pis*ed off, frustrated and angry for quite a long time and without going into to much detail I am fed up with other people self absorbed, self centered, toy throwing. Thinking that it’s ok to behave like an ar*e hole and then I am expected to be the grown up. I am totally fed up with it! Totally utterly fed up to the back teeth with it!! Maybe I’ll throw a hissy fit today! Fk them! Fk everyone! Why should I always be the diplomatic rational one! Today, I was so angry that I had to leave for some air for fear of my Jamaican tongue getting the better of me. I know this blog is sounding quite random today, but I'm sure you understand that I cant always go into detail about my rants and who or what is getting on my t*ts. But I can however have a bloo*y good random rant!
This sh*t has been building for some months and it has really spilled over today. Having to deal with selfish twats who who are so wrapped up in their own self importance! I have to keep chanting in my head that I am not Mary Poppins; I am not friggin Mary Poppins. I am NOT Mary friggin Poppins I must be hormonal as I have not been screwing this hard about anything in ages!! I really just want to get up and F*ck off. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

We never really do 'grow up' because there's always something new to learn or get better at. It's not that I think there is a perfection place that we suddenly arrive at in our lives but its more about being the best that you can be with what you have and are willing to learn. As human beings we're not perfect and learning about ourselves and other people is all good in the school of life although sometimes challenging. Keeping everyone around you happy is never going to be the root to anyone's happiness though!! Learning to say no is sometimes the hardest thing about growing older. As a young adult I learned to say yes just to keep the peace when I really wanted to say no. What would then happen soon after I had agreed was a period of anger at myself for not having more balls which then turns to resentment at the person who asked the question in the first place. Just recently I have become more aware of how hard I find it to say no. I have also become quite aware of how selfish people can be and sometimes they really don't care what they have asked and how what they want affects you just as long as they get what they want. Relationships at any level can sometimes be quite draining and its important that I take responsibility for my emotions and not allow other peoples needs (especially when that person is not that important to me) to influence any decisions that may be detrimental to me at work or home. Work has been a bit of a weird one for me at the moment as I am learning to work without the need to be soooo driven to please and achieve as it just causes me so much more anxiety and ultimately makes me less productive. I do feel that people expect me to achieve a lot at work and most of the time I have high expectation of myself and will deliver but then I seem to pay the price for that when I feel really drained.
One of the things that frightened me about being in a committed relationship was also about learning to say no. Love does not me always saying yes. Its important to be true to myself. I’m also a little frightened about having to give up so much to have a family. Having to say no to myself or loosing who I am fills me with dread. I have seen so many of my friends go down that route and loose themselves as a result of having to say yes to others and no to themselves. It was always the women that seemed to be making all the main sacrifices and as the years rolled on and the children came some seemed to be the shells of the people I once remembered. Maybe its inevitable when you commit to having a family and your children become the priority its the women that sacrifice more of themselves and her old life in order to have the successful family. I suppose being a new bride is just throwing up a lot thoughts about how my life may change in the future and how I intend to manage things. One of the things I have to remember is that I can't control everything and saying no is something I am going to have to get to grips with. I can’t make everything nice for everybody, all of the time.

The after party and evening turned into several fabulously camped up hours of delicious glamour, hopping from 1 gay joint to the next. We initially started off at the Met bar where the main after party was. We would be staying at the hotel that night so it was great to be able to go upstairs ad freshen up. In the bar I met several of Gabriel’s Clients who were really excited as they had never been in that environment before. As I wait at the bar I am approached by a butch lesbian who had propositioned me (or should I say harassed despite my saying I’m not interested) some months before at a friends gig. We say hello and have a little banter before she disappears back to her friends table. She seems to know a lot of the people Gabe knows so I’m pretty sure she’ll surface somewhere else during the evening. After having a hernia from paying £22 for 2 drinks (missed the freebies!!) We began to relax after the hectic show. I look up and Alek Wek is at the bar!!! OMG she is more beautiful in the flesh and so friggin tall. Her skin is so dark it’s almost aubergine and she has a really warm face. I have always loved her work but was not about to do the wanky go over and kiss her arse thing, so I just admire her from my chair and sip my cocktail. You go sista!

After about an hour we head over to two2much, a little club in the heart of Soho which was another old client of Gabriel’s. Jodie Harsh was a 7ft drag queen (hair alone was a foot high!) who was Jodie Marsh's alter ego. I had been chatting to her after the show and she had invited us to her London Fashion Week Circus party at the club. Jodie let me know that a circus show downstairs would begin soon so we went down. We gather around the stage and the most amazing woman appears. She’s completely naked and has removed all her body hair. The top of her bald head and shoulders are covered in purple glitter as is down the whole front of her body. She is lifted onto a large hoop suspended from the ceiling and she performs the most beautiful aerial show. She was so beautiful and looked especially graceful as she formed herself into various shapes and suspensions from the hoop. There were a few occasions when she unintentionally showed the audience ‘what god gave her’ but that didn’t matter as the show was just beautiful. There was lots of glitter falling from there where she had put a bit extra to cover her modesty. As she lowered herself back down to the ground we all erupted into applause. Fabulous!!

We hung out upstairs in the VIP room for a bit listening to an amazing jazz singer called Kitty as her partner tinkled the ivories. She looked amazing as she threws herself over the piano in her sequined basque and blonde Marilyn hair. The butch lesbian is there with her friends!! She appears from no where and asks me if I want to go with her for a line of Charlie!!! After being blanked again, she disappears and returns totally mash up. Her head is all over the place and I could now see that she has been bang on it for most of evening. We bumped into Alexander McQueen on the dance floor!!! Gabe knows him really well and her chats for a bit. The lesbian gets very excited and starts saying he is a god and then pulls out her camera to which McQueen runs off! Gabe is not happy as a lot of these celebrities go to these places so they get left alone and can hang out with their friends. Pulling out a camera is sooo not cool.

There are now about 8 of us in the group now, Gabe & M. a few of his lawyer clients, Bernhard a freelance photographer for Vogue, and the lesbian. We all decide to go to another bar/club near Compton street. The club bit is in the basement and we hang out there for ages having a few more drinks. By now we are all a bit merry and all of us take it in turns to hoe play around the large pole fixed in the middle of the dance floor. I was a little shy at first but once up pole dancing it was really quite liberating. I even did a 2 minute stint with one of the lawyers which was really fun. I didn’t want to go over the top pole dancing and drinking though as I could see the lesbian salivating in the corner and I didn’t want to get hijacked on one of her Charlie seduction toilet missions! We eventually get rid of her as she was getting on everyone’s nerves especially after the Alexander McQueen incident!

We ended up back at the Met bar for more drinks I was quite tipsy by now. We dance, chat, and laugh with more drinks and the conversation inevitable got onto sex! I'm afraid this led to me revealing some details of my sordid love life as well as my glee at the size of my husband’s glorious appendage! We laughed as we all told various stories about the men we had encounted. They found it funny at the time but I am cringing as I write this as I don’t really know these people. Still, we had all had a bit to drink and the conversation had been quite racy that evening. We clock Jessica Simpson, Robert Smith( the cure)and entourage at a table where we all have agood bitch about how rough they look!! Battered from dancing, hungry, bar now closed and makeupless, Gabe & M had gone to bed and I was still up chatting to the lawyer and vogue photographer till 4 in the morning! Alas the night had finally come to an end and I had to sleep, I air kissed them goodnight and crawled into the lift up to bed….. Phew!!

After being so fed up previously about things I am really looking forward to today. I had been involved in London fashion week as a model before but never as part of the organizational side. I left work at 12.30 and met Gabe at the Metropolitan hotel. A cool, sleek joint on Park Lane. The last time I was here was some years ago when I met Grace Jones!! I was eating at Nobu ( the hotel restaurant) back then and could feel someone really staring at me as I ate. I looked up and standing there chatting to one of the waiter's was the midnight coloured Amazonian Grace. She was grinning at me as she told the waiter how beautiful I was quite loudly so I could hear. I nearly dropped my food in my lap as I said thank you and returned the compliment. The woman is batty as a fruit cake, but still beautiful and a legend!!
Gabe was pretty stressed and his phone had not stopped since I met with him so he was keen to get changed and onto the venue. He was a little anxious as the News of the World had already called a few times that week and they were trying to drum up a story about him being George's new boyfriend! This was totally untrue of course but he was worried that they may be trying to sniff out any old filth to print, especially following the community service stint George did in New York clearing rubbish!! We had a few dramas with the key but eventually got a room on the 7th floor over looking Hype Park which was gorgeous. I met Gabe's new assistant Fiona and we were all dressed within 45 mins and were now heading down to the London Fashion Council tent at the Natural History Museum in a black cab.
We finally arrive at the venue and it was pis**ing down with rain. This doesn’t dampen my excitement and once inside, it was kinda nice to be back inside the air kissing lovey world I left 5 years ago. There were no models there as yet. Just lots of cleaners clearing away the debris from the previous show. We find a corner and pack Gabriel's mini office of passes, clipboards, business cars etc etc into it for safe keeping. Gabriel had just recently taken on another client which made these beautiful ghetto fabulous leather bags. The event was going to be used as an opportunity to show them off but we realise they had been left back at the hotel. Cr*p, I had to then trek back on to the tube in my heels to bring them back.
On returning from getting the bags the place was now buzzing with excitement and a few models had arrived and were having their make up done. Gabriel introduces me to an amazing looking Kenyan girl who now lives n New York as she gets alot more work there. It’s so nice to see more unusual and really dark models. I also notice that the make up artists have a lot more foundation shades for black models. When I was modeling, I remember going to jobs where there was a 2-3 black girls and the make up artist would turn up with just one shade and we would all have to wear that one foundation shade despite being different shades of brown!!! Thank the lord for Alek Wek !!

I spot a juice bar in the corner so head over to energise up for afternoon ahead. Its free so I stock up on a large multifruit smoothie and grab my clip board with names of all the press allowed inside. The show is supposed to start at 6 pm but at 6.45 there are still models being made up. My job for the evening is to host the door and ensure that only press with backstage passes or those on my list gain entry. There were quite a few pushy press guys who had 100 excuses why they did not have a pass or that they had spoken to Gabriel 10 mins ago. I told most of them to bugger off. Boy George's brother does quite alot of work for the show and was mulling around by the door in a fabulous jacket with the lapels covered in buttons. Kinda like a funky pearly king. We start chatting and he is complaining as he had been up for two days getting stuff done and could not wait for the show to be over so he could go home and sleep. He was also moaning abut George who nicked his brand new flat screen TV for the show which he only bought two days ago.

The show went without a hitch, sequined joggers, large sparkly safety pins on tailored jackets. large bovver boots with sequined steel toe caps. A beautiful boy in sequined underpants looking like he should have been a bus boy at Studio 54! Two gorgeous black girls with cheek bones reaching the sky in Gingham fifties swing dresses; The models are a mixture runway amazons and estate chavs. The music is dancehall ragga and Hotel Costes chic. It was over in a second and then it was back to the main back door for me to make sure that the press could not get in after the show. Last year, apparently the whole back stage area was rushed from the front catwalk area as well as the back doors causing kayos so Gabe was determined for this not to happen again. With the show over, it's now time to party!

I have not really had time to go through all of our finances since the wedding as I have been focusing on getting rest and eating better. Part of me is dreading it cause I know we were so over budget and this final tot up will give figures of how much we actually spent. I also put a lot of my own personal money in on top of what we saved together so it should be interesting to see what the total figures are. Didn't max out my credit card though which is good and its nice to be able to stop spending and having to juggle everything around. What needs to happen now is for the final figures to be revealed and to work out a firm plan as to how can pay back anything we owe and start focusing on saving for the house. Rene has been hit with a £600 car bill so I think its wise to kiss the honeymoon goodbye for this year because the extra money we were going to put towards it is just too much extra pressure and alot of my back up money pot is empty. Maybe it would be wiser to just plan the trip around when Sal and drew get married in Florida as it would save us money to do it in one go. Maybe 2 nights in Florida and then we fly off to Aruba for our own honeymoon? That would be the most practical thing to do.....

I log onto Clare's website two days later to see if she has uploaded our pictures and they're there! I flick through but don't really feel she has picked the best ones. There is even one of me with my friggin eyes half closed!! What's that about! Some of our key friends and family are not on their either so I decide I won't be sending the link to anyone until I have made a list of the ones that need to be replaced. I did want to include the link on my thank you cards so the guests could buy pictures if they wanted to but this is going to be to much a further delay so now I have decided to send them out anyway without the link and then I will send the link on via email at a later date. I will also be storing the pictures I have which are all on disk on the computer in labeled folders. These will also be sent out with Clare's link so then guest have a lot more to choose from and can see it as a story of the whole day. However, sorting through the 600 pictures is going to be a mammoth task so they will have to wait until I can drum up the energy and I am having a bit of wedding aftermath overload at the moment and I really want to draw a final line under the wedding now...

My eye infection raised its ugly head again at the weekend so I have been vigorously, bathing both in salt water and drops on the hour to get rid of the wretched thing. Really don’t want to go to work again and I am starting to wonder why I have been feeling so negative the last few days and why so tired? Its starting to get on my own nerves now cause I really don’t have anything to be unhappy about. I'm actually going to shut up before I start looking for things to justify why I feel like this. End of!

I race down to the delivery office first thing to pick up the parcel which I now know is the official photos! The royal mail man hands over this massive box and I wonder what on earth is inside for it to be so big! Once home I make myself some tea, grab some snacks and a pair of large scissors to open the box cause I know this is going to be a long morning. It takes me a while to open as she has wrapped it well but when I do there is lots of padding and underneath are several small parcels. Each one is made in sleek cream card with her logo and contains neatly packaged groups of all the photos in ivory ribbon. There's a hand written note wrapped around 2 of the parcels from Clare which say to look at those two first as she feels they are the best 200. I take a breath and open the first one reliving that wonderful journey again that I took on the 12 August. As I remember the day, all the emotions return and for the next hour I am glued to the bed reliving the celebration. The pictures are stunning! I am so pleased with them. There is a mixture of black and white and colour and most of them are candid shots of everyone just enjoying themselves right from when I am getting ready to our first dance. The ceremony, the speeches, the outfits, the laughing and the tears. It's all there and yes, I'm blubbing again now! The joy of the whole day is captured. My eyes look a little swollen in some of them from crying but I like that. There are also the token group ones but these are not my favorites as they aren’t natural. The best ones of people caught enjoying themselves unawares. This is where the real beauty and genuine affection comes through. The nude ones I took for Rene were also lovely. My skin looks really good and I look so happy and relaxed. The only thing that did surprise me a little was that some of them really captured how tiny I was and how much weight I lost from the stress and running around but there was only a couple so I am still happy. I am really glad I did them and I know Rene will love them once I have finished what I plan to do with them. It takes me an hour to look though the other 400 and there are also some gems there two, some may be slightly out of focus or the lighting is not quite right but the composition and energy is just wonderful and they will still make it into the final album as they symbolise some important points of the day. I call Clare to let her know I am really pleased. She lets me know that 70 will be put on the site in the week and details are inside the box with my pictures. Which ones to choose? Now that’s another drama!