Sista..... Stand Up!

OMG I have just got broadband and discovered the pleasures of Limewire! Free music to rarted! For any white folk out there, 'to rarted' is jamican slang for... hmm.. cant think how to put it? You know like how you might say something was 'shit hot?' Its the same way of using a swear word to express something positive. Anyway, back to music. I am so excited cause I downloaded my first tune today and then I could not stop. I've always loved Studio 54! You know, that fabulous New York club in the 80's famous for the freaks, the famous and the fabulous. Bianca Jagger on a horse? Cocaine on tap? Bus boys? Grace Jones!! It was all so fabulously camptastic and the music was amazing disco which I now have banging out on my ipod!! My all time classic is Sylvester' 'Do you wanna funk,' I'm sitting on tube now rockin out to Donna Summer 'I feel love' I feel an afro and glitter outfit coming on...... Gosh I love my music! It bloody keeps me sane.....

As the train pulled out of Norwich station my heart sank as Miranda and little Daniel waved ferosiously through the window. Both dissapear into little dots by the second. I had just spent a short but sweet visit in the little village of Barford where Miranda lives with her husband, two boys, rabbit and a three legged cat called Albert. My heart was sinking because although I love my husband, I don't love the rest of my life at the moment. With the threat of job loss looming, the future 5 years I had mapped out is now under threat. Although London has alot of opportunities, there were lots of simple things about being in Mirandas world that is missing from mine. The vilage scenery is idillc with lots of crafty shops and fresh food from the local farms. Its more about the pooh than the Prada here! I arrived at 1pm the previous day and Miranda picked me up and we went for lunch and a good gossip. The boys were both in school so it was nice for both of us to catch with everything without interuption. One of the things I love about my friendship with Miranda is we both lead such different lives now but we still have so much in common and include each other inside our different spaces. She is alot further down the road from me with her marriage and family so I can talk to her abut all my fears and dreams for the future. From her perspective, I like to think that I give her the space to talk and laugh about the things that remind her that she is also a foxy women and not just a wife and mother. After a great natter and gush over the wedding pictures we go to pick up the boys from school. It's so sweet as Hugo (3 year old) was quite excited and had been telling his teachers and classmates that i was coming to get him today. I opened his classroom door and he was so stunned to see me there he just looked wide eyed at me. His scrumptios little face and long eye lashes went all shy on me. We arrive home and have plenty of time to just Be.... The house is just a quaint as I remember except for the front door being moved back to its original position.Inside is the busy world of Randaville, lively & loving with lots of little mutiskilling tasks in progress. What I love about her place is that its well lived in with an abundance of energy. Miranda baths the boys and I am quite happy making dinner. A large cottage pie. What I loved about the visit was the simplicity of village life. I suppose some could say that you would get easily board in a place like this because is is such uncluttered but I'd rather have it that way than have to deal with daily pressures of travel, money, speed etc in London like I do at the moment. Maybe I spend too much time being romantic about these things but I always have been.
In the morning I wake up to allergy free bread for my tost (miranda's such a gem she always gets stuff in for me bless!) and we head into town for some charity shop rummaging after dropping off the boys. OMG I look down the hill and I swear to god their were two reindeer standing outside a shop!!! What is that about!! At first I thought they wern't real but then we go to see them and the local farm lad had brought them into town to get the used to human contact from the christmas season!! Thats when it really hit me just how far i was in so many ways from my life in london!

As hard as I tried, this birthday was not as great as I thought it would be. I've always found them a bit of an anti climax anyway. Some people would quite happily tell the world it was there birthday on News at 10 everyday for the week leading upto it but I have never really really got into the whole birthday thing. I suppose its beacause they were always an anti-climax for me growing up and I never really shook that off. An early morning birthday bush wacking session and a bacon sandwich (gluten free of course) lifted my mood somewhat and I settled down to tea and snacks with my friend and mentor Carrie Bradshaw. A bumper 6 Sex and the City episodes. Fabulous, just what a girl needs when she has a little birthday blues. Rene had organised a little gathering at China White club were we would have few cocktails and watched a live band. It was a low key evening and we laughed, sipped, danced, and were back at home by 1.30am. I was now 38 and still looking fabulous! A girl can't have the blues about that!

Around this time of year I am filled with dread. Fat Santa’s, Barbie’s everywhere and Slade annoying your tits off the moment you leave your front door. I know Christmas is suppose to be a time of good will and all that but it always ends up being a pain in the arse, spending too much money and socializing with people you wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire! This year, I’m going to make some choices. Partly to do with the fact that I am skint since the wedding and my little savings honey pot is virtually empty from all the wedding extra’s I just had to have. My next project is to buy 2 properties, one for Rene and 1 and one for me! A tall order in this day and age but I have to start somewhere. I really want to enjoy Christmas this year but without the bullshit present situation. I think this year I want to make it a mission to tell people I love them in a different way without spending a fortune. It’s the feeling of obligation I hate most of all. Feeling that I HAVE too because it Christmas. BOLLOCKS!! Not this year. I want to be able to give those I love something and mean it without any obligation. I love the extra time off we get at work and I’ll never tire of watching the wizard of oz! This will be our first xmas in the new flat so I’ll be making an effort to create a space for love. We’ve both been very tired and a bit stressed with the lack of cash at the moment so it will be nice to make some changes and have some folk come over to us for a change. Santa will be playing by my rules this year!! OH My God, I just found out that they have spent millions re-mastering the old cinema screen version of ‘The wizard of Oz’ and it will be on the big screen this Christmas!!! Anyone wanna come with me!!

The birthday evening started out at a super stylish chinese restaurant to the stars in Soho. It was very odd as there were so many familiar faces there which I could not place but new they were off the telly somewhere! Gabe looked absolutely amazing and had lost 1and a half stone! I had to tell him off though because M (his partner) told me he had been doing that pathetic maple syrup diet and nearly fainted on Oxford street through not eating. Gabe just kept laughing saying, 'its all about the size 0 darling' The gathering was a modest 8 and they had already been there an hour having cocktails. The food was amazing. We all had a set menu so they just brought multiple dishes of everything we could all eat. I ,of course was secretly scouring the dishes to see what was what without causing too much of a fuss about my food allergies. Sticky rice with seafood & chestnuts wrapped in banana leaves. Sweet Chinese cabbage, deliciously delicate monk fish. Desert was an amazing array of pastries, sorbets and ice cream. I was salivating at the pastries but stuck to the sorbet's like a good girl. It was not worth the swollen mouth and lizard skin tomorrow. All the dishes were beautifully presented and tasted very clean & MSG free.

After fainting at the £600 bill we went onto two2much. This was the re-launch night to be renamed the Soho revue bar. As we put our coats in, we bumped into my old flatmates boyfriend who was one of the paps roaming the building waiting for Boy George. After some air kissing and a brief chat we ventured up the sumptuous staires covered in velvet walls to the main room. After a few cocktails and birthday photos with Gabriel and the paps (paparazzi for those not in the know) Boy George came on and boy was he amazing. That man is pure ghetto!! He was making jokes about all the black raggae artists who are homophobic and cuss out gay men which was really funny. His voice was still beautifully raspy. He sang some of his new tunes before thanking Gabriel for doing his PR. He then leaned over to kiss Gabriel telling the crowd it was his birthday before dedicating 'Do you really want to hurt me' to him. For a moment I felt like a silly teenager and wanted to squeal, 'Boy George is talking about my gay Husband everybody!' but I kept it together like true pro. He also sang Karma karmeleion which everyone absolutely loved. He made have had some dark days with drugs as well as the road sweeper moment in New York, but he clearly is still loved by his fans and can sing a mean tune. Rene had to get up for work the next day at 5am so we said our air kissed goodbyes and left in an upbeat space. Did we make it to the porn shop or peep show I hear you cry? Well, there are some things I will keep between me and my husband but those of you who really know me will know the answer to that question!.....

As you can see from some of my earlier entries I had the most shitiest day ever at work with all the takeover talk and realisations about possible redundancies so I was looking forward to the evening to celebrate my gay husband (Gabriel’s) birthday. Randa didn't make it after all. I know its hard for her sometimes because she’s still a foxy women as well as a mum & wife but sometimes family life does not always allow her diva women to venture out as much as she'd like.
This evening would be different from any other, Not only because Gabe was having an intimate dinner this birthday instead of our usual campfest but because Rene (real husband) was out with me as well! He didn't seem that enthusiastic at first but if the testosterone and sequins gets too much for him I'll drag him into the neighbouring seedy street of peep shows & porn shops where Clarice and I had been in a few years before, that will cheer him up! I had bought a fabulous new top from work only to find that my small tits looked like dishevelled prunes in it so I began to panic! 20 mins left to get ready and still no outfit!! Then I remembered a gorgeous little sparkly top that never failes soooo..... on slipped the Sandra Dee skin tight satin trousers, swapped the shoes from pink / gold stappies (fabulous I know, but matching tit top had to go so so have the shoes) for black satin peep toes. Top? Glittery/ goldie pink sequinned vest. Hair? had to be long straight Diva ponytail! Make up? desperately running out of time so fixed foundation and powder with a gorgeous subtle pink shimmer under the corner of each eye, everything else for my face was thrown into my vintage gold leather clutch to be applied on the tube. As we chugged down the Piccadilly line, DAMN! I left my mirror so I had nothing to finish my make up on the tube but you know what, I still looked fabulous and decided to leave it. That clean face look with just enough ‘I hadn't forgotten to fix my face’ sparkle was perfect....

A girls love life can sometimes be a little like a trusted outfit. Sometimes, you forget its there when you are busy trying other looks, then we become ecstatic when it’s rediscovered at the back of the wardrobe. We remember how fabulous it looks on and never want to take it off! Every man wants a trusted reliable woman. One part Oprah, 2 parts Nigella,(much sexier than Delia) and three parts pornstar. Yes you heard right, three parts Jenna Jameson, the porn queen of all things nasty! As chuvanist as this sounds, women are generally wired to the nesting, the money management, all that practical stuff that quite often has us knackered and watching sexy fly out the window. The domestic shit sometimes talk to me as soon as I walk through the door and before I know it 3 hours have passed and I still haven’t taken my coat off. For a man, I don’t need to tell you that most of them wake up with hard on and oiling it before they go to sleep sends them off like a baby! Men need a good grind like they need air. Its not wrong or their fault, its what makes them feel like men and what reeeeally keeps them light footed is the three parts porn star! Yes the regular grinds are better than nothing, the secret 2am surprises are genius but the porn star ones are priceless. OK… I can hear you all saying now that nookie is not the be all and end all of a relationship and there is a small percentage of me that agrees but let me ask you this? How many men do you really hear saying this authentically? See what I mean? Secretly every man would like a 10% porn star at home at his disposal beside the great cook and conversationalist! I'm sure you all remember the fabulous Samantha in Sex in the City; What I loved about her was her ability to embrace her sexuality like an extra large tub of Ben and Jerry’s and made no apologies for stopping until she was completely satisfied!! Her hungry punani devoured most of Manhattan while giving anyone with a sniff of judgment the middle finger (excuse the pun!) She was more 75% porn star with the other 25% kept by for shopping and lunching with her girlfriends. As much as I love Samantha I could never lead her life style, surely all that constant chaffing can't be good for a girl. Anyway, where's the fun in bush whacking every waking hour, if you treat yourself everyday it no longer becomes a treat but chore! Hey, does anyone else look and men on the tube wonder what their wood looks like ? he he? I do! It’s not that I want to do anything but its just a little game I play while I’m waiting for my tube stop. Today, there was this beautiful black guy who was so dark I bet his was purple! It reminded me of the first black guy I ever slept with, a long, shiny, aubergine pipe. Very cute but smoked far too much weed for my liking. Sorry got side tracked! The original point I was trying to make is that time and chores will always be an issue with us girls (and I don’t even have kids.) Its not that we should completely leave nesting in favour of noshing, but that we occasionally leave the shit behind to visit our 10% porn star. It’ll do wonders for your confidence and leave your man feeling like Tarzan! Trust me!

Oh MY GOD….. We heard some months ago that the business had been bought out by a Dutch company and today Head office received an email which basically talks of the old board being cleaned out and who the new board were!! People stepping down, resignations, the whole old board including the chairman have all gone!! I had a feeling something would happen soon but was not prepared for the cages to be rattled until after Christmas as this is sure to affect performance over the peak retail period. I’ve been in this situation before when I worked for T-Mobile and it’s only a matter of time before they start making cuts everywhere else. My dilemma is do I sweat it out or do I jump ship? The last time this happened I did sweat it out, then a year to the day after they said things were ok we all got a second email to say that there was going to be another round of redundancies!!! I couldn’t bare to go through all the stress again, seeing people crying as they got laid off and everyone not knowing if they were coming or going so I just said gimme the friggin money and I’ll bugger off. The retail high street industry has long been in trouble and I had put it to the back of my mind. I can’t ignore it anymore as I have a lot of big projects to take on over the next ten years so I need to be in a working environment which is going to support that so I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do…….

I have just left my work colleagues in the pub after a lovely evening of light social banter and a few cocktails. I don't normally go to these things as I detest pubs, but I wanted to make an effort this time as Emily was leaving next week and I have always been fond of her. She got a fabulous coat as a gift that she thought was sold out and was extremely happy about that. I wanted to say a personal thank you so I presented her with an envelope with a note sellotaped on the front which talked about how fond I was of her and how she had to learn the contents of the envelope in order to end our working relationship and accept my leaving gift in true Campatastic style. Inside, I printed off all the lyrics from Mary Poppins and stapled the details of the show I had bought tickets for as we had raved about going to see it forever. She didn't seem that excited so I'm thinking she has not read the ticket information and assumed I must have given her a shit leaving gift of musical lyrics on paper!! As soon as I prompted her to let her know what it really meant, it was so lovely to see how happy and surprised she was.
As I've got older, I have come to learn that what makes me happy is creating memories for myself and others who I am fond/care about. As Maya Angelo says, people seldom remember what you said but they always remember how you made them feel. It’s not about how much you spend but how much thought you put into what you did..

Today i'm feeling the need to talk about my love box. Not that thing between my legs that’s covered in unshaven winter bush but the space we all have inside us that swells when we see or feel something that makes us feel good. Sometimes I feel drunk on it & mine's been in overdrive recently. Once you become aware of your love box and its ripe, nothing gets you down. I feel invincible!! When its full and ripe I love the joy it brings when I share it.. There are alot of birthday's happening now with close friends and I've given it wrapped in sugar to those who mean alot to me. If you don't share it, it becomes stagnated and you won't have full varied experiences of love. This also creates a lonely existance for you while your busy keeping your box wrapped up and protected. Please don't missunderstand me, I'm not talking about denying yourself anything while you do this. I know us girls are often very good at denying ourselves love when we need it the most but it can be given in so many different ways. Being that extra helpful to someone who needs you to listen. Empowering someone who's been a twat to take responsibility for their actions without judgement. Giving someone a compliment when they look fabulous. Coaching someone through there fears and yes, giving love in the obvious way to our partners by being understanding etc. Feeeel the love brotha’s and sista’s!!

I'll be 38 on 13 November and lawd I am feelin mighty fine! I feel better than ever and feel alot more in charge of my life than I ever used. Its was Miranda’s birthday on the 29 October and Gabriel’s on 8 November so I had originally thought it would be nice to organise a triple fundraising birthday party to raise money for aids babies but time has slipped passed and with the honeymoon still so far away I have still not had a proper rest from the wedding. Instead of taking on another huge project so soon I have decided to do this for my 40th birthday instead. This year, at first I wanted have a low key one but this has now turned into a rampant birthday fest. On Gabriel’s birthday 8th, we will be having a secret sushi dinner, then on to the relaunching of two2much club with canapés and Boy George doing the opening set. Miranda is coming down especially so this should be great. On my birthday, we will be watching a live band at China White for the evening. Then at the end of the month Gabe and I will be having a mega campfest! We’ll be crawling through all the gay clubs with all the people who were not invited to our intimate birthday dinners. Outfits, shoes, lipgloss action! Can’t wait!!

Dearest Miranda,
Today is your birthday and I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful person you are and how much i value our friendship. Here are the reasons why?
You're a Loyal friend
Devoted Mum
Trustworthy
Very thoughtful
You are still working those outfits! Should I call you Miranda Von Teese!
Fabulous bargain hunter
Very creative - Great artist/ sculpter
Know how to have a good laugh
Ebay queen and teaching me all the time!
Always approachable
Understanding.

Thank you for always making me feel part of your family and I am really glad that I have got to know the boys as they grow up. I hope you got lots of pressies and a good Birthday rodgering from your husband!
Love always
June.

I learnt a few days ago that one of my orignal team at work is leaving the company. I've had a few of my team members leave to go to other departments since I started, but Emily is the first to actually leave the company. I am really leased that she has found something she will love but I will be really sad to see her go. She has a big heart and really cares about other people. She's become a good friend to me and we've had many a day gossiping about shite TV and Campastic drivel. I can't let her go without showing some gesture of how much I am fond of her so I have arranged a surprise for her. I can't tell on here cause I know she reads this, dont you Emily!! I am so excited I really want to tell her but wil wait until here leaving day. She know's I am up to something as every now and then I keep singing, 'I know something you don't know!' but I wont tell her he he.. I hope she keeps in touch when she goes, I know I will......

Just as I had accepted that I would not hear from Clarice again, she emails me in response to my previous message and heres what she says?

Start
I would prefer to speak to you on the phone rather than responding to your email but time is passing by and I still haven't had a chance to call you.
Apart from the numerous things that need to be dicussed I would like to respond (briefly) to a couple of comments you made.... YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE AN IMPORTANT PART OF ME EVEN IF WE NEVER SEE OR COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER AGAIN. I DID NOT MEAN TO "PEE ON YOUR OLIVE BRANCH" (even though this term raises more questions) BUT IT DIDN'T FEEL CORRECT TO PARTICIPATE IN AN EVENT THAT I WAS INVITED TO AS A SECONDRY THOUGHT (even though I couldn't stop thinking and talking about you it just didn't feel right).
A lot of time has passed and we have both grown and changed in countless ways... I LOVE the memories I have of the complicated person full of contradictions I knew many moons ago, but we have both grown up .... I really hope that we can air and discuss our unresolved emotions, and discover how we have both evolved.
I really hope we can speak soon.... but in the meantime I WISH YOU ALL THE LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.
p.s. the text message wasn't for you... and I should have contacted you in June.... Sorry.
END

Is it me but has she totally missed the point I was trying to make? What does growing up have to do with being curteous? What does growing up have to do with sometimes being a little interested in other people you say you care about? After all the talk about her having fond memories wishing me well etc, she says the text was not for me??? This just rights off anything she said previously. So, if she had not sent me the text by accident, I would still be waiting for some sort of response and we would not be having this converstaion. Her invitation was not a second thought and was sent out with all the other guests. Myonly hesitation was that I did not want to be let down/rejected. I really wanted to see her and for her to be excited for and with me. I even invited her to my 'femme' hen night which was only a small group of friends so I dont understand where this second thought thing has come from. Sadly, I do feel a little let down again. What this communicaton says to me beween the lines is that she has fond memories of what went before but there is nothing to me which suggests we have any friendship to build on in the future. I'm not attached to whether she calls or not. There's not really any point in talking about our feelings about the past if we can't get the basics in the presant. I don't see the point in talking about this anymore as I have given this too much of my energy already considering we are not that close anymore. I was hoping we could become friends again but I have different needs from people now and she has different priortes too which is fair enough.

I'll accept that and move on.I have so many other people in my life who give me so much and I enjoy giving freely to them. The love and respect is mutual and I can rely on them when I need them. Apart from cementing the love I have for Rene, the wedding has also really brought me closer to the friends and family who really matter.....

I've had a few emotional shifts this week about how much I am controlled by other people, TV, Mags. Working in london I am constantly bombarded with images thrusted into my face on the tube, people outside the tubes shoving leaflets, newspapers anything they can to make me think my life will be so much better with their products. My email box at work is then clogged with yet more bollocks. My lunch time walk has people chasing me down the street to get me to sign up for their gym or charity (not that I am opposed to charity, I give to one already but 10 people trying to sign you up each lunch break gets tedious you understand) Magazines showing celbrities we all aspire too, wishing I had there money, houses, cars, freedom. The time I spend watching tv about people who've change there lives while mine passes me by, Trinny and Suzannah rework wardrobes, Phil and Kirsty finding that beautiful house in the country. With all this going on I must subconsiously feel a certain level of pressure to have these things and we are all manipuated at some level into thinking that we will feel so much better, prettier, sexier, loved, in control if we have these things. I watched a show last night where a girl was 42K in debt because she just had to have the latest It bags , shoes, clothes etc to make her feel worthy/good enough? Now I know this is an extreme case but I asked myself how much of the shit I have bought into instead of using my time, money and energy to have the things I really really would like. Now before you get too many ideas, don't be thinking I am about to give up shopping completly or anything like that. I have always adored fashion and this will always be my vice. What I 'm talkng about is all the little impulse buys that will be thrown away next season that could have been put in my savings towards part of a bigger dream. Instead of lining someone elses pocket with quick fixes of £10 here £20 there, choose timeless pieces of clothing inside a budget. Be more selective about what magazines I buy and be more aware of if they actually get read! At least I won't look back in another five years and have nothing show for the things I keep saying I want long term. Think about your material desires? Are they really what you want or just someone else's tug at your insecurities to try to make money and con you into feeling better about yourself for ten mins or until the next it bag? I read a happiness artical recently which suggested that we have 30% more material things than we did in the 1950's but our happiness levels had gone down. What did come out of the survey was that good relationsips between family and friends were what made us happiest. So, next time you want a happiness boost and your skint, call your friend and tell her/him how important they are to you and arrange to meet at your house for tea instead of reaching for your credit card again!