Sista..... Stand Up!

I’ve just finished watching ‘The Colour Purple.’ If you haven't seen it then you must!! I won't go into too much detail if you haven't but it's set in the 1920’s and its tells a beautiful story about two sisters and the tribulations they face in the America south. Family sorrow, incest, racism, love, beauty, redemption all guaranteed to have you weeping till the final curtain! I also watched the bonus DVD for the first time where Alice Walker (the author) talks about how she wrote it by being in touch with her spiritual side. It was also the spirit of her ancestors which moves the story from within her on to the pages of the book. Steven Spielberg talks a lot about wanting to portray the movie in the best possible way and the rest of the cast talk about his humility in making the film, welcoming their impute despite being a huge filmmaker. I was so moved ONCE AGAIN by this film, I watch it and was inspired to go out there and achive my dreams. It also reminded me of what happens when you talk to mam heven more often. What it also screams is how much your family, your ancestors mean and how their stories can shape your future as did Alice Walker's. I don’t think I ever realised how much influence this has had on my life but it’s true. I think back to when I spoke to my mother about her early days with Dad and what that meant. What was life really like for her in Jamica as a young girl and which one of her ancestor’s inspired her? What was it that kept her going despite all the shit she went through with her own mother. O am so excited cause when I spoke to her at Christmas she told me she had one living aunt left who was 93. Mum took the dictaphone I bought her and the aunt spoke into it qute alot with her stories. I cant wait to hear it!! I think about the first little flat Mum and Dad had and what there aspirations were for the future when they first came here in the early sixties from Jamaica? Where did they see there lives going and how did they cope with the racism at the time? I know there were often rental signs in windows saying ‘no nigger, no Irish no dogs.’ I also remember Mum saying that the Asian community did a lot for black people in those days as they had property and would often rent the rooms to black immigrants. Lots of black families often occupied one room initially before working hard, saving up and having their own homes. I just can’t imagine doing this now and will never understand what it feels like to be living and working in that kind of environment. My worse experience with racists was when I lived in Southampton when I was at Fashion College. I remember walking down the street and a car cruising up along side me and shouting so many mean things. I didn’t really give a shit about the words but what really hurt was when one of the spit at me. It was the only time in my life that I really felt like ‘nigger’ Gosh even writing that word makes me shudder but that’s how deep it cut. Despite some of the harsh realities of my parents in the early sixties, they also say that they were some of their best times. The music, the optimism, the clothes! The amazing blues parties in a new cold contry. What’s wonderful about all this is that my parents' have passed on their faith, determination and hard work so I can give an even better life to my children when they arrive. I couldn't finish this entry without a clip from one my favourite bits of the film. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iW3iFXVsPXU

MERRY CHRISTMAS all you bloggers!!

Hello all, just thought i give a quicky to say hello and wish you all a merry Christmas! Having a great day. Thought you might like to see this Laurtel and Hardy thing as it made Me laugh!! Use to watch these religiously as a kid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAwytFGp3YE

RIP James Brown the dude! THE godfather of soul watch this clip! This brotha has ants in his funky pants!! I an't gonna be sad about his death as this dude will live on in music for sure! What a Funcky legacy to leave the world!! Ooowwww I feel good!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs1HUbMCZKc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tlk7nLbs7A&mode=related&search=

Thanks to my good friend Miranda I am finally drinking some festive juice. Hadn’t spoken to her for while and then she called on Sunday morning to discuss some techno stuff she wanted to get for Mark for xmas. I’m going to start calling her Mrs. Christmas as she has always been into everything about it and I have not really. I told her all about my previous woes and she responded by reminding me what I great year I had had, getting married with a great do and a fab husband. ‘Love and support your family’ she said ‘but that does not mean you have to take on the sadness! It’s Christmas!!’ With that in mind I forgot about my trouble’s and being baaaa humbug skint and spent the afternoon downloading the campest Christmas songs I could find on Lime Wire. I felt so much better! Boney M (Rivers of Babylon), Johnny Mathis (When a child is born) Andy Williams (The most wonderful time o the year) and lots of Motown! I’ve just bought some blank CD’s and will be sending the results of my afternoon of camptastic tunes to all my friends! They may get there a little late but what the hell! Thanks Miranda! Santa is alive and living in Norwich after all!!

After all the drama of last weekend, I got to the doctors who told me there was nothing to worry about. So many people I had spoken too had also has the same thing so should be ok. When I told my mum she admits that she once had a shadow in one of her breasts checks that tuned out to be fine. Holy Facacchia !! Where the frig was I when all my friends and family were having these dramas! All this has done has just reinforced how far away I used to be from those I love and care about. It’s only now that I realise just how important they are. I have to wait for my appointment at the hospital for the next check up next year but I should be fine…… Ding dong!

My blog has been bloody miserable the last few entries! so I just thought I'd slip you this quickly. I have just discovered You Tube and have found all the music video's I did when I modelled some years ago, some I never saw!!! made me smile, miss the freedom of it? Miss the travelling! Miss the nutty people and risk taking!! might tell you more about that another time if I'm feeling brave. Wanna see?? I bet you do!! Search for the following songs.

1)George Michael - Spinning the Wheel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kblR1eXf6Cw&feature=PlayList&p=9CDED2DB1FA69183&index=2
In this one loads. my true claim to fame one!! I'm black chick with blonde dreads and beaded dress. this was awsome! & george was amazing! He watched me as they filmed the scenes of me dancing! Had a chat and said much he liked what he saw on the screen etc. My favourite of the lot for obvious reasons!!

2)Sly & Robbie - Night Nurse (Feat. Simply Red)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm4yHMZHH3s&feature=PlayList&p=9CDED2DB1FA69183&index=1
I'm in this one quite a bit. have little dreads again with tight green dress in this one. Felt sad as i watch this one as Clarice is in it too and I remember us getting up to all sorts and havinga right laugh. the funniest was watching Mick Hucknall trying to pull her!

3)Spice Girls - Who Do You Think You Are
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67aP6FheadQ&feature=PlayList&p=9CDED2DB1FA69183&index=3
not in this one much but more towards the mid to end dancing on stage with my now friend jamie. A beautiful person who is a circus performer now.

4)Pet Shop Boys - New York City Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7ge8WZWCp0&feature=PlayList&p=9CDED2DB1FA69183&index=4
In the Studio 54 club scene with big gold afro! Loved this one!Did a few dates with them i europe and this was so campastic, Loved it!

5)Skunk Anansie - Secretly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M8UxZDk56o&feature=PlayList&p=9CDED2DB1FA69183&index=0
Not in this one much but Loved this song and skin was absolutly gorgeous! I'm the bald chick about 4 mins in dancing/holding skin from behind as she sings. Met some amazing people on this shoot.

Enjoy! Gosh, how my life has changed!! x

Yesterday, I was hosting a little dinner party for Rene’s birthday. The day started upbeat and I was really looking forward to filling the house with people who love René to make him feel special. he's never been that bothered about gifts and having people around him that care has always been what he loves. I spent the whole morning cleaning the flat and preparing the food to be cooked later. Rene returned from the gym in the middle of my Studio 54 hoovering session with the mail from downstairs. He disappeared into the bathroom as I opened the first one. As I unfolded the drab white paper my doctors address was at the top and my heart sank as I read ' further to your previous smear appointment, we have found some abnormal cells which require further investigation.' Despite René probably being mid number two I wanted to tear the toilet door off and get him out to read that I had misunderstood the letter and all was ok. I couldn’t move. I must have read it 10 times before René emerged from the loo to see me standing in shock with my hand clenched over my mouth. 'What’s wrong? He asked. I could not talk but passed the letter hoping he would read something different. He looked at me and held my gaze, it was then that it felt real, I then became inconsolable. What the fuck was going on. How could my smear cells be abnormal? Does it mean what I think it means? I'm only fucking 38, just turned 38. I've just got married? Why is this happening now? After about 15 mins, everything seemed to shut off like I had not read the letter. Rene suggested we call off the party? I said no and carried on hoovering. Alot of women are lucky? Maybe it’s not the worst and I should not jump to conclusions? Despite trying to convince myself that I was ok, The fact remains that there are some women irrespective of their age that are not so lucky???? I am absolutely petrified… My head is just spinning with so many things at the moment... Will I still be able to have babies? When was my last smear and have I left it too long? I remember saying to someone a long time ago that sometimes the best thing to do when you are feeling like shit is to do something nice for someone else. So, I wipe my face and head for the fridge to stir the marinating chicken and focus on René’s party due in 5 hours……

After writing to Nicky last week I get a sweet reply which real cheers me up. Her language and tone has matured and he talks about how the pictures I sent get her through the day. She also talks abut her scare with sickle cell but also reveals that she also has tests for problems with her heart, and her bone marrow. She is being monitored to make sure she is ok before going back to her full navy duties. She has learned how important family is to her and what life is like when you are vulnerable without family around you. It’s her birthday soon and she will be twenty! Mum adopted her when she was 2 years old and still in nappies so she has come along way with us. I'll send her something nice for her birthday. I don’t have alot of money at the moment but I'm sure she would love more pictures and things to remind her how much we all love her…..

Not being able to protect and give the world to those I love, is one of the hardest things I have had to learn and accept as a grown up. This week I learned a serious of events that has brought back some old skeletons. The first is that my step grandmother Ms B died in Jamaica. I have never met her but my dad was very close to her especially after his own mother died. Granddad Thomas also died when my dad was in his early twenties and not long living in England so he made it his duty to send Ms B money to take care of his other half brothers and sisters. I remember when his own mother died when I was very young and not knowing what to say. I don’t remember saying I was sorry or anything and will always feel a little bad about that although I was very young. I can’t change the past but I called him to say how sorry I was about Ms B. It was soothing to hear him talk about how nice she was and how his father was married to her for some time.
The second thing I learned is that a close family friend got car jacked and beaten unconscious by drug addicts outside his local store. They knocked him unconscious and stole his car. He came round covered in blood and on his way to hospital. What worthless pieces of shit would attack an old man!!! Tossers!!!
The third thing, yes there’s more! Is that my sister in the navy has been in hospital as it has been discovered that she may have full blown sickle cell!! We knew she had the trait but her intense training and the stress of being away from home for the first time my have brought it out. Tests are still being carried out and Mum has direct contact with the doctors so I will know soon how things go. Life seems to be so cruel at the moment and it sent me back to the days when I was cocooned in my own world so I would not get hurt by things like this. There was time in my life when I was vefry detached from friends and family and now I realise that it was because its so much easier to not feel hurt when you love poeple less. The only problem with that is that I lived quite a lonely life back then and knew that I could not contiue like that. Why do these things happen and what on earth are we to learn from so many painful things happening at once? Its hard to be positive about these things happening but loving my family and giving support is what life and love is really about.....

To the hefer in the red coat on the tube giving me daggers about my ipod music, Piss off and loose some weight! Sorry, but she was really staring and giving me really dirty looks. How Rude!! I normally do turn it down when I get on the train cause I know I can be a little annoying if you can hear someone elses tunes, but she didn’t give me a chance to do anything when I had just sat down. Glaring at me with her stink face! Am i looking at you and tuting at the size of your arse? No! So piss off then! And another thing, who told you, you looked good in red? You best fix up yourself before you start screwing up your face at other people!!

Everything just really seems to be dragging me down at the moment and I can’t claw myself out. Work has been extremely stressful and I know its going to get worse. Its D day today in the team meeting and its going to a bollocking all round. I want them to take ownership of how they were affecting the group. No more piss taking time keeping, no more lame excuses about why they have not completed their objectives. They need to work as a team to get things done, understanding the seriousness of what the take over means. There was silence throughout because they had not seen me like that before. One of things, I learned most of all about this situation is just how much paying attention to the detailed people side matters. I had paid far too much attention to the bigger picture and spent too much time doing reports and looking at how the team affects the rest of the business as oppose to keeping the cogs oiled at ground level with more one on one contact.

I had already heard that the directors had resigned; now I hear that one of the members of the department has to reapply for her job due to streamlining and could be out on her arse next Friday if she does not get it. Redundancy has already happened to me before and although I am well aware of what happens when companies take over, you are never prepared for the vicious vacuum that sucks people up and spits them out of the business despite what commitments you had to the business success previously. All this shake up is escalating the teams crap behaviour so its time to make some serious decisions about what is really important to make the team work as team. If that means I have to be a lot harder then so be it. The bollocking was scary but very liberating!! Unfortunately, two of the team had already planned other ideas before my onslaught so by the end of the day I have 2 resignation letters…Great!

Today is mum's birthday and she is 68! I admire that women and I will never understand how she managed to get to Georgia smiling after all the shit she had to put up with in her life. Today is the lowest I have felt for some time but every time I get like this I remember that I am from Allen blood! My mum had 7 children and brought up her family successfully and still managed to have a house holidays etc and still live happily every after….. I really need to keep this firmly in my head as I know I am about to get consumed by a lot of shit over the next few weeks…..

I'm a lady who's gone from being a technophobe to a Sista who loves all things gadgetry. Give me anything on the PC or internet that is going make my life easier. Diaries and to do lists which remind me whose birthday is when and spread sheets which tell me how much I spent on organic spinach and lube each month are a godsend! However, when they go wrong its enough to drive me insania. Talking of Peter and Jordon, I love them but can’t wait to listen and slag off their tune! Anyone else heard it?
Anyway, after discovering how fabulous my life is now I can download music for free, I think the gods decided to teach me a lesson this weekend and I spent all of Sunday fixing problems.
1. My broadband decides not work so have to reinstall everything.
2 I decided to delete some of the programmes the PC says I rarely use only to discover that they are linked to my itunes and lime wire!!
3 I uninstall and reload my itunes and then accidentally delete all 3500 songs! Yes ladies and gentle man, 2 years of my musical history gone in one push of a button! FUUUUUCK!!!!

Last week was the first time I really experienced how ugly office politics can get. It was also the first time I saw people close to tears including myself because of the pressure of the changes and what is being demanded since the take over. I had some serious realities checks and after all the drama of having to deal with my crap week off and I was now thrust into the thick of my worse time ever at work. For the first time in my life I was in the thick of hearing all the bitching and back stabbing and it was not pretty! It also appears that the unrest was not just amongst my team but involved other departments too. This person did not want to sit with that person at lunch. This person was ignoring that person within my team and did not want to have lunch scheduled with that person. What the fuck was going on!!! I also hear that some people were taking this piss and thinking they could get away with shit while I was off!! I will not be getting involved with the playground bickering but I will be kicking some arse because this is affecting the moral of the group and they all need to be taking responsibility for how they are behaving especially with the extra pressure I am being put under to perform with the take over…. . I am quite stressed about everything and the next team meeting is going to be a bollocking for all!