Sista..... Stand Up!

Just a quicky! Had the Punani Op on Monday and I'm still alive!! Yeay... Still a little sore but on the mend. Husband felt it necessary to make me laugh but continually suggesting that I provide some some subsitute Punani while mines out of action for the next 3 weeks while I heal. I'll probarbly end up being admitted to casualty with lock jaw from the substitute Bj's!!

The biggest thing I’ve learned about all this redundancy thing, is that no matter how much we try to fight it, life really is about the experience of love and loss. Think about it? So many of the things we do on a daily basis are related to relationships on different levels. Some we adore and some we abhor. Love within the family unit, building relationships at school, at work and most importantly the relationship we have with ourselves. We also build relationships with our possessions. We build emotional attachments to our belongings and they mean so much more than their physical make up. The older we get, the more attached we get to things and then the fear of loss becomes greater. Either that or we become more cynical. Not sure if being more cynical necessarily makes it easier to detach yourself though? My first experience of love and earliest memory was being thrown into the air by my father, gurgling happily as I landed safely in his large rough hands. He then blew raspberries onto my ripe little belly as he catches me... I distinctly remember his bristly beard on my stomach. It still makes me smile now….

What surprised me about leaving House of Fraser was just how attached I had become to the people. My first real loss was when I about 8 and the cat got hold of my pet gerbil. I found it. Still, on the stairs after the cat had finished playing football with it. I remember feeling empty, wishing I hadn’t loved it so much then I wouldn’t feel so sad. Loss is a natural part of life and as bad as we feel at the time, it will and does pass. Don’t the blossom always come out in spring no matter how bad the winter?

Why is it that we always seem to find it so easy to embrace and hang onto the bad stuff? Holding onto low expectations of life does not help us attract the good stuff. I’ve focused on loosing people I grew to care about, but this is not strictly true. These people have not died, we’ve just been put in a position where we have had to move professionally and geographically, but that does not mean that we have to be cut off socially or emotionally. After avoiding saying goodbye to my old work colleagues for as long as possible (in case I became human and shed a tear), I go to meet them all for final farewell drinks. I take my last tube down to Victoria. Eeahhrrr just clocked the biggest minger opposite me with the biggest set of bollocks I have ever seen! How can someone that ugly be so gifted? The girlfriend looks pretty hot, so she obviously knows which side her bread is buttered.... Anyway back to my sentimental reunion. My head office pass is now in the hands of security and I had finally emptied my draws of personal possessions. I left the makeshift picture and me and the man Hasslehof sellotaped to the PC screen. The evening was lovely and a lot of the previous leavers from last year turned up which was so lovely. I sipped my vodka tonics, coached on how to deal with non comitial boyfriends, and swapped email addresses. I was totally controlled and happy until my team started leaving to go home. Before leaving they would come over and launch into how what I had brought to House of Fraser and to them personally. That’s when I lost it. Some had already left before the redundancies but all were unanimous that the way I had managed them and the department was the best environment they had worked in. They had come to trust and look up to me and I was moved by their sentiment Whether I accepted it or not, I do care about people and I know I have a special way with them. At times I have beaten myself up for it as it does make you more vulnerable to being hurt when you grow to care so much but it is also a gift and just so rewarding when you get the blessings back ten fold like I did tonight.......

Good news folks. I got myself a job! I am now officially a buying assistant for Media at a wholesale store. A far cry from my glamorous days on the road as a model and there will be no lipstick lesbians there but it will give me a lot more security for the future. I can start putting things in place for me to start planning our house hunting and also to start a family in the next 5 years. I was a little nervous at the first interview and after having heart failure over the maths test I got a grip and was fine. I had interviewed many a muppet during my time and House of Fraser so I knew what made a good interview. I, was certainly no muppet! I left feeling I had done my best but was anxious to see how things would go. Although I new the company director and he had opened the door by passing my CV onto HR, I didn’t want any special favours after this initial squeeze. I spoke to him later that evening and he said the interviewers were really impressed and were confident that I was over qualified and would progress up the ladder really quickly. Second interview a few days later was more informal and I met the Media buyer. They offered me the job there and then! Touchdown!!!

Unfortunately, I had a pretty shite valentine’s day really. I had plans to yank myself out of the stressful space I was in to cook dinner half naked in my hot red agent provocateur bra ‘n’ panties along with my gold peep toe heels. All very steamy in theory but I just couldn’t shake off the jobless half a punani feeling so the outfit necer surfaced and it ended up being more yawn than porn!