Sista..... Stand Up!

Well, it’s been one hell of a 3 months! I haven’t been blogging again for a while as I just found it hard to write about anything. My head has been so cluttered with so many different things that I just wanted to run away most of the time. R and I had not planned to have any kids at this time and being the control freak that I am have been totally caught off guard with this one! The first few weeks of the pregnancy I had a lot of doubt about my ability to be a good mother. The responsibility of running a tight ship at home and keeping my family happy is a tall order. Its not like I can go back when she’s an adult and change things so its important that I get it as right as I can as she grows up. No pressure then!!

The lack of money I’ll have once I give up work scares the shit out of me. How is the baby going to affect our sex life! The relationship? Our social life? How am I going to spread myself between a demanding baby and a rampant husband! After my initial freak out, I cry, vent my fears, calm down and now I’m taking one day at a time. Strangely enough, being pregnant seems to have made me less anxious about things in general than I was before....

I have my scan on Monday which will tell me if the baby has a high risk of Downs Syndrome. The doctor told me at the previous scan that they measure the fluid in a baby’s neck and the length will say if the child is high risk. He then goes onto assume that if there are issues, I will automatically want an abortion but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I could go ahead and kill the baby after seeing its heart beating at six weeks. It’s a big decision to have a less able bodied child and I'm not sure if I can do that either? We’ll see what happens…. I already love this little baby......

Yesterday was my parent’s 44th wedding anniversary! 44 years of love, laughs, fights, 6 kids (1 still born), a brain tumour, an affair, more sickness, 2 kids adopted, and then come the grandkids, emigration and happily ever after retirement in the USA. I'll never know how they stayed together through the years but I couldn't be happier that they did. I cant name any of my friends whose parents are still together.

.I'll never judge any couple that decides to get divorced as relationships need a lot of work hard and happy, separated singletons are better than a feuding man and wife. However, it does sometimes feel like marriage for allot of people just doesn’t work anymore. There is so much pressure generally on people for things both materially and emotionally which is a breeding ground for things to go wrong if not managed effectively. Once that Wedding day high subsides its time for the real work! Sex? Boredom? No cash? Kids? One day you wake up and he is not the prince you thought he was but the skint bloke from round the corner. He wakes up and realise that the fit size 8 model he married has become a 15 stone nag?

You can never predict how things are going to change you as a person as life. It’s the risk you take when you commit. I would like to think I would fight for my marriage when it hit the dark spots like my proud Jamaican Mother. After 40 odd years in the UK she’s living a beautiful self sufficient life in the US which she never expected. She always used to say ‘who laughs last laughs best!’ 080807

Decisions. Decisions. So many different choices to work through. The pregnancy, the birth and then the mammoth task of parenting. Hospital or home birth? Drugs or natural? Mum’s way or my way? Organic or regular? Stay at home or childcare? Breastfeed or bottle? Smacking or naughty step? It just makes my head spin!!

As a woman who has always followed my instinct, everything I read about being a green parent rings bells. The minute I start seeing things about being natural, ethical, eco etc. I want to read more. I don’t care about not having lots of money to buy lavish clothes and toys for baby, what matters to me is temperament, confidence, manners, honour, and respect within our family unit.

While filling my head with all these different methods it really hits me that I have to stop and think about how I run my life and if it will suit us as a family? All those things that I like to think I do but secretly don’t do nearly enough will be exposed when I have this baby. I want my child to grow up watching minimal TV, loving books, being creative, expressive, artistic. All the things that I never really seem to have time to do but know these are things that help me grow and learn! If I want her to do these things then I have to set an example. This is not just about bringing another child into the world, its something that’s about to challenge my every fear, insecurity, and avoidance. If I want the best for my baby, I have to start with am I doing the best for me?