We reach the Euston hospital in good time and didn’t have to wait long before being ushered into a small room. A wonderful midwife called Patricia talked us through what would happen during the scan and also gave me lots of advice about the birth. I asked about a more natural approach without intervention and she was the first person I had spoken too who was really positive about my way of thinking. She even loved the fact that I had considered having a home birth. Most people I had spoken too previously had all seemed to scare me because it was my first. Ok I am a first time mum and I don’t know if I’ll be screaming for an epidural but she was the first person who I felt was on my side giving me more options. Their is birthing unit in Edware which is pro natural birth but you can have gas & air also. I'll read up more on it on the web when I get home.

I felt confident about the scan but there was still a little side of me that wasn’t sure. I was so looking forward to seeing my little baby again. Cold jelly smeared onto my belly there she was. This time, it really did look little a little person. She danced inside me and the doctor had a bit of trouble checking her over as she moved. I could see her little hands, her profile, her spine, it was so wonderful. I thought I'd be a real woss and start crying again but I was just grinning! The nucal measurements are normal so so far the baby is not at risk of downs. Just have to wait for the blood test results next week to confirm for sure…. Still hard to get me head around what it will be like when the little one arrives!
060807

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From an eco perspective, I am the worlds worst for shopping and cluttering up the flat with things I convinced myself I needed. I have good intentions for making my home more cosy or feeling better about myself with a new item of clothing but these are just quick fixes that quite often end up squeezed in some corner or at the back of am already heaving cupboard! I have given myself so many lame excuses previously about why I need 36 pairs of black trousers but this time I vow to be ruthless! The ethical thing is a little trickier! The main thing I have found difficult is that although ethical shopping is the right way to go in theory, it can be a lot more expensive and when cash is huge priority what’s a skint mum to do?

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Call me cynical but I don’t always believe that just because something is a leading brand that it’s the best product. These large corporate companies have a clear money a gender with large advertising budgets and I’m not about to give them my cash unless I know the product is going to work for me and my family.

Now, I’ve never been a sheep following what others do, and giving birth to this baby is going to be no exception. Despite all the ‘expert’ advice I decide that I will read everything I can get my hands on about natural/holistic pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. I’m seeing a lot of raised eyebrows thinking, ‘Eco mother bolloc*s! You say that now but when giving birth feels like shitting a fridge, you'll be screaming for pain relief!' I have no idea how I’ll feel, I don’t even get period pains so I have no concept of what I’m getting myself into, but I’m sticking with my instincts and going as natural as I can. This was going to be another challenging chapter in my life where I would only follow my instinct as it has never failed me yet!

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The lack of money I’ll have once I give up work scares the shit out of me. How is the baby going to affect our sex life! The relationship? Our social life? How am I going to spread myself between a demanding baby and a rampant husband! After my initial freak out, I cry, vent my fears, calm down and now I’m taking one day at a time. Strangely enough, being pregnant seems to have made me less anxious about things in general than I was before....

I have my scan on Monday which will tell me if the baby has a high risk of Downs Syndrome. The doctor told me at the previous scan that they measure the fluid in a baby’s neck and the length will say if the child is high risk. He then goes onto assume that if there are issues, I will automatically want an abortion but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I could go ahead and kill the baby after seeing its heart beating at six weeks. It’s a big decision to have a less able bodied child and I'm not sure if I can do that either? We’ll see what happens…. I already love this little baby......

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.I'll never judge any couple that decides to get divorced as relationships need a lot of work hard and happy, separated singletons are better than a feuding man and wife. However, it does sometimes feel like marriage for allot of people just doesn’t work anymore. There is so much pressure generally on people for things both materially and emotionally which is a breeding ground for things to go wrong if not managed effectively. Once that Wedding day high subsides its time for the real work! Sex? Boredom? No cash? Kids? One day you wake up and he is not the prince you thought he was but the skint bloke from round the corner. He wakes up and realise that the fit size 8 model he married has become a 15 stone nag?

You can never predict how things are going to change you as a person as life. It’s the risk you take when you commit. I would like to think I would fight for my marriage when it hit the dark spots like my proud Jamaican Mother. After 40 odd years in the UK she’s living a beautiful self sufficient life in the US which she never expected. She always used to say ‘who laughs last laughs best!’ 080807

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As a woman who has always followed my instinct, everything I read about being a green parent rings bells. The minute I start seeing things about being natural, ethical, eco etc. I want to read more. I don’t care about not having lots of money to buy lavish clothes and toys for baby, what matters to me is temperament, confidence, manners, honour, and respect within our family unit.

While filling my head with all these different methods it really hits me that I have to stop and think about how I run my life and if it will suit us as a family? All those things that I like to think I do but secretly don’t do nearly enough will be exposed when I have this baby. I want my child to grow up watching minimal TV, loving books, being creative, expressive, artistic. All the things that I never really seem to have time to do but know these are things that help me grow and learn! If I want her to do these things then I have to set an example. This is not just about bringing another child into the world, its something that’s about to challenge my every fear, insecurity, and avoidance. If I want the best for my baby, I have to start with am I doing the best for me?

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It’s really hard being at work when I feel sick along with all the resignation drama. Whoever defined ‘morning sickness’ should be karate chopped! It lasts all friggin day! I bet it was a bloke that started that! Thank God for peppermint or ginger which works great for nausea. I also feel much less sickness since taking my prenatal vitamins.

My belly often swells in the evening and goes down in the morning so I'm already having to adjust my clothing. No major moods swings yet though, a few tears while on the phone to mum one night but no urge to swing a machete around my husbands peanut head as yet.....

Despite the baby being really little, it’s hard not to get attached. I talk to her (don’t know sex for sure but feel it’s a girl) during my car journeys to work... I tell her how lovely her dad is and how much she’ll love him when they meet. I also play her music in the car as they can hear around 23 weeks old. She’s bound to love Shirley Bassy as I keep blasting ‘I am what I am!'

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Am I good enough to be a mother? Can I handle the pain of childbirth? How will it affect my relationship and will I still be the bedroom whore my husband loves after I‘ve given birth? What will happen to my punani? Will I become a ‘Tena’ lady??!? As much as i'll love the little bundle, will I resent not having my own space and time? OMG What about my shoe addition? I'll have withdrawal?? The truth is I’ll never really understand how much my life will change until it actually happens.

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I don’t have to wait long before I‘m sat in front of a bald thickset Asian doctor. I explain that the hospital advised after my previous op that my coil had not been taken out. I had not had a period for 6 weeks and was now in procession of a positive pregnancy test? He explained that the coil was not 100% safe and said it is possible that it could still be inside. He had experienced babies which had been born without removing the coil but also had had situations where removal had brought on miscarriage.

He was a little preoccupied with if would keep the baby or not and seemed quite relived when I said I defiantly would. He advised that the coil was normally removed during the procedure I had, but they should have replaced it and could not understand why I was pregnant. His first priority was to get me booked in for a scan to see if the coil was still inside. My instinct tells me that there is no coil but its better to sure.....

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I was due to come on soon so I put it down to that. At the beginning of this week mama heaven told me something was up as I was a little late (which I never am), and my boobs were very swollen. There was no way I could be pregnant as I had little somethin’ somethin’ to stop that happening. Hang on, could anything have changed since my punani operation?

I went into the shower and began thinking all sorts of things. Did they remove my contraception during operation and not tell me? Am I carrying a little bun? There was a whoooole lot of jiggy going on during the honeymoon and since we got back so there was plenty of fish in the sea!!! FUCK could I be? Ren had already gone to work so I decide to say nothing until later this evening.

I had driven to work with my hand break on and buggered my car so he picks me up from work. Still annoyed with myself about the handbrake, I tell him in the car park about my disappearing IUD. He is unsurprisingly cool as usual and I suggest we get test. My instinct had already told me that I'm pregnant but I just needed the proof.

It’s now 6.30pm and I'm staring down, watery eyed at what looks like a flat plastic tampon with lines inside little windows. Anyone who has had one of these in their hand knows exactly what I’m talking about. Well.... I didn’t even have to wait the length of time they suggest for the result. The window showed crystal clear that I was indeed pregnant........ 21.6.07

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I didn’t anticipate them both going off to lunch together so I sent her an email asking her for chat when she got back so he would be less aware.

My vision of it being a controlled dignified discussion went down the toilet as the pressure built up over the weeks (way before my honeymoon) sent out floods of tears. I expressed how unhappy I was in the role, and wanted to resign. I was feeling constantly overwhelmed by the responsibilities because the training had not matched the intensity of the requirements to do a good job. I explained that while I understood her intentions for telling me about the buyer complaining, I felt it was unfair based on the lack of training and the holidays they both had (leaving me on my own ) since I had been there. I was also extremely upset that in light of their absence and lack of 1 on 1 training, he still doubted my ability to the point where she was saying she had to ‘fight my corner??’ I surprised myself by being so emotional but I just couldn’t help it. I then went on to say how I had written a list of pro’s and cons list and the reasons to go was much longer. 6k pay cut, less holidays, longer hours, the driving etc etc etc. She was very upset and apologised profusely because of the training situation. If the main reason I would leave was because of the training and the Buyer situation, then she asked that I would give her a chance to rectify things. She had had really good feedback about me from other management and she could not let someone like me leave because of something she had failed to do. I was more than capable of doing the job. She was understanding about the money etc and said that would have to be my decision but promised sincerely that if the main reason was the training etc then she would intensify the training over the next few weeks to give me the tools I needed to do the job.

She finally asked that I keep the conversation between the two of us, and take the weekend to think about things. Something tells me she would have been in deep shit if I left because of training as they were currently recruiting for 10 other people in the same position! If someone with my experience is leaving she would have had to answer some very awkward questions. Especially as I was close to the Operations Director!!

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It has been really hurtful that the buyer has been saying about me when I had only been back 2 days from holiday. What is the bigger life lesson in this for me?? Despite being really hurt I don’t want to be bitter towards them and I’m looking for how I can use this situation to bring about a position ending.

With hindsight I think my boss did me a favour by telling me what he had been saying as it made me see things for what they really are and stop trying to convince myself that I could stay in that position and be happy. I accepted the role when I was desperate for work after leaving HOF and there was no excitement for me about the new role. Maybe that’s what the buyer picked up on?? Even if I had been mildly bothered about the role, from what I see and hear from the other employees in the same role is that its not pretty. Many stay much longer than there working hours unpaid, the workload is extremely intense and there does not seem to be a lot of reward or recognition for this.

I don’t think I really accepted just how much the House of Fraser redundancy hit me and this new situation has really knocked my confidence again. Although the redundancy was not personal this new issue in addition has brought up a lot old wounds of feeling like ‘the stupid nigger who can’t learn anything or succeed.’

The bottom line is that I have compiled a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go and the reasons to go won. My boss is on holiday again until Wednesday so I hold off until she gets back. I’ll be writing my letter of resignation today and will hand it in during my update review on Friday.

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The first day back was ok as I just had a million emails to read but  yesterday, I left work feeling absolutely crushed. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into a private meeting to tell me that her boss (the buyer) said he 'was not convinced' about my being right for the job! She acknowledged that a lot of it was down to her not doing the structured training she promised. But said he was getting on her nerves as she was  having to fight my corner!!!! Fight my corner? Fight my corner for what? I had had my review before going on holiday where although it was a bit of a shaky start, he seemed happy with what I was doing??? When did this all come from in my 2 days back. I had 250 emails to read on day one. I also to re-familiarise myself with everything and there was never a time that I sat on my arse doing nothing. I may not have always got the task priorities right in their eyes but I communicated what I was doing and there were no objections at any point...  Ahhh fuck this place!!  Why waist my energy! I'm so pissed right now; I can't even bring myself to write anymore......

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With most of the honeymoon over and only a few days left on the cruise thoughts of home start to creep back into my head. Everytime I leave home on holiday, I vow to do things differently when I get back. Somehow, I always seem to get sucked back into the madness and end up not doing the creative things I really want to do... I dont want to spend too much time thinking about home before its time so I focus on enjoying the sun, sea and whatever else might pop up on the cruise.

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The pool in the hotel was a little rough so we went across the road to the beach before heading down to the Sex Museum. This place was amazing. It was some old pensioner called Naomi Wilzig whose son was into erotic art and got her into it too!! The place was heaving with numerous sexual artifacts. Historical along with tonge in cheek pieces. The funniest thing I liked, was a large four poster bed with each collum shaped into 4 gigantic wooden penises! There was also this masturbating bench which vibrated with a huge noisy fallic metal erection in the middle which moved up and down quite agressively. The museum owner told us that she aquired it from an old porn set where the ladies would lower themselves onto the fallic piece! She switch the machine on and we all laughed as the metal dick shunted forwards and backwards! If you fancy a sneaky peak at some of the pieces you can check it out at www.weam.com

Dinner in the evening also turned out to be just as entertaining as our lunch time gallavant. There was this huge bar/club which was buzzing with loud music and beautiful people. The bar staff were all stunning, tanned and looked Mexican/Brazilian. They spent just as much time pouring cocktails as they did cavorting on top of the bars. We had dinner upstairs then sat and people watched.

Right below us at the bar we noticed a female couple (one of whom was extremly butch) who were in flirtatious conversation with a black female bartender. She too was gorgeous of course! I gestured over to Rene to look to see if anything was going on there.... After a few minutes observing, we made out that the butch one was trying to chat up the bar tender and she was just stringing her along and teasing her. The butch one was clearly drunk and after a few exchanges proceeded to flash her sagging, wrinkly breasts to her and the rest of us!!! We laughed so hard we could not belive our eyes!! the bar tender was clearly shocked but this did not stop her flirting further!! We kept watching and she did it again!!!! I wouldn't have minded if they had been pert and full but Lord, someone needs to tell that women to keep those wrinkly sacks of spuds where they belong!!!

These few days here have been the best days of the honeymoon so far and we still have the cruize to go before we head home.... to be honest, I didn't care if the cruse was aload of shite as this Miami experience was beyond fabulous!!!!

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Once checked in we discovered it was not 5 star glamour, but some how that didn't matter. The staff were very hospitable and the history of the place combined with the vibe forgave everything else. As soon as we we're unpacked, we're excited to take a long walk along Ocean Drive in the gorgeous sunshine. Now i really feel like I'm on Honeymoon! This Joint really is buff central. Pert titties? BAM! High tight Arse? PAHH, Bag a sugar bicepts? BIFF!! Weeeeeee, a buff coffee coloured queen skates passed us backwards in between the traffic saturated with Hummers and more vintage convertables. I Fuckin' love this place! I'm never going home!......

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Lots of sun soaking and belly busting meals later, the Wedding day arrived very quickly. It was a beautiful day outside and I sparkled in my gorgeous size 6 vintage hand glass beaded dress. We met up with Mum, Dad, and a few other guests before being whisked away in a white limousine. Mum was quite taken with the whole red carpet vibe and demanded I took lots of picture of her next to the Limousine. The short car ride took us to the wedding ceremony at the Disney Pavilion. A magical venue set on its own private island and surrounded by a Lagoon. The interior is decorated in ivory shades with floor to ceiling windows. There was a large stage at the front with a massive window behind framing Disney’s Magic Kingdom in the background. We waited anxiously for the bride and suddenly the violinist broke into 'Somewhere over the rainbow.' The doors opened slowly like a fairytale. The bride looked exquisite in a strapless ivory gown encrusted at the bust in Swarovski crystals. The back had a beautiful 18th century style bustle which was intricately laced to conceal the train. I was a complete woos and quite teary which then started her off when she saw how I was! The ceremony and vows were tastefully executed with the magic and sparkle of Disney without all the cheesy Mickey Mouse shite.

The ceremony was followed by an 8 course meal at the Grand Floridian Hotel. An opulent welcoming establishment only a short drive away. Dinner was an intimate personal affair of 20 guests which worked really well. I was very impressed as we each had personalised menu’s and because I have food allergies had special recipes prepared. I know this was part of honeymoon, but I loved that Mum and Dad had been invited two. The reception speeches were an emotional event followed by cake, champagne & mingling. Outside the reception suite in the foyer there was a live orchestra. I couldn’t resist asking if they knew anything from Breakfast at Tiffany's and to my delight, the band master smiled as he launched into Moon River. I grinned at René, it brought all the loving memories back of our own wedding day! The perfect end to another beautiful wedding......

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Its finally Mothers Sunday and we rise early to eat and go to church. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel resentful about going. I wanted her to be proud of me. It was mother’s day after all so i slipped into a deep purple chiffon dress and tied a cream silk corsage around my wrist. She beamed when she saw me emerge from the bedroom. The singing was great, its the only bit of the service I enjoy and was quite happy clapping and rocking along. It was a predominantly white congregation but these folks surprising had plenty of Pentecostal sprit! Mum and dad were in the chior and and I watched and smiled as they sang their hearts out and raised their hands to heaven as the praised god. I know its really bad but the only other bit of the service I enjoy is when they start doing all the heavy praying and laying hands on heads and shit. Lard have mercy, I never thought I would see white people catch the Pentecostal spirit like all the sista' and brotha's in my old church!!!! One guy was fitting and shaking like he had rabies and some would just screen out and faint on the floor!! When I was little it was my brothers & sisters favourite part of the service. We studied the spirit firring hard as we knew there would lots of laughing later when we felt it was our duty to re-inact the Holy Ghost scenes!! I had my camcorder with me so I made sure I took lots of footage to take back to England. Maybe I'll put some snippets on you tube!! Do you think I'll go to hell for that???

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While Mum & Dad were over for the funeral Mum was adamant that as the funeral was in Ipswich she should stay no place else but with her sons there. I was not sure if this was a good idea as I wondered what the living arrangements would be, but said nothing as I didn't want to be a bitch. My older brother rented a council flat and my younger one stayed their occasionally when he hadn’t been thrown out by his girlfriend. Unfortunately I was right, the flat turned out to be a hovel. Neither brother had made any effort to prepare for mum and dads arrival. Empty boxes, years of spilt grease all over the kitchen, filthy clothes, black (use to white bedding,) and no food.
After clearing away the boxes and making up her own bed in the room were she would be sleeping, she then faced the prospect of nothing to make tea or food! Yes you heard right, your mum comes to visit and not only do you not clean up but you have no cups for you mum who was probably breast fed on tea but also did not get any food in to feed them!! It gets worse, my older brother slept permanently in the living room and as the evening drew in he opened the front door to a trashy looking chav who proceeded to undress in the living room and crawl topless under the stained sheet in front of my parents! They both light up fags and chat on as normal!!. Not, 'oh my parents are here, cover yourself,' or 'lets smoke outside to respect my parents. The worthless piece of shit seemed oblivious to the situation. When I initially heard about all this I was straight on the phone to one of my brothers. I was not interested in the details of who said what. All I cared about was that Mum was very upset and they had a responsibility to explain to them why they were treated with such little respect......
To make matters even worse she showed me an article that my younger brothers ex girlfriend’s had sent. She got breast cancer and had got a large compensation pay out due to a hospital blunder. My brother told her that he would invest it and proceeded to squander thousands of pounds of the cash on himself. When she realised a large portion of the money had gone and she realised he was bullshitting her it was too late!
Mum sobbed on the sofa as she recalled coming all the way from Jamaica as a young girl, worked her arse off in England for so many years only to witness the disrespect and malicious doings of her sons.... He goes to court soon, I hope the tosser he gets sent down for it!!!!

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Work had really been a challenge and although I am beginning to understand how things are working it still is taking alot of getting used to. Its hard starting at the bottom again and having to do all the shitty admin jobs.The processe and procedures are never really cast in stone and I am finding it really frustrating having to second guess sometimes what I should and should not be doing. There is also so many things that I am resposnibsle for and all are a 'priority.'

Under the normal retail set up there is usually a Buying area which is resposnsible for buying and setting up all the new products and a Merchandising section which is resposible for monitoring the distribution of stock and the sales etc of each outlet. A this place their is only a buying area which does everything so my posission is effectively doing the job of two people and its really friggin hard!!!!Anyway, its an opprtunity for me to learn something new and I have to keep my eye on the bigger picture of how I want my life to go...

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The driving to and from work has been the biggest stress. the traffic, the nutters, the near misses!! I have probably been through all 8000 songs twice on my ipod and I'll probably get sectioned soon from the funny looks I sometimes get from other drivers that witness my one women tone deaf singing sessions in the mini. Yesterday, my life nearly ended as a result of thinking it was a good idea to go to the local Tesco. Going is fine as you just stay in the left hand lane. However, I sat shaking in my car for 20 mins when I was set to return as I remembered when a colleague took me yesterday that the route back involved a massive roundabout with multiple lanes which could send me down the M1 if missed the turning. I was on my lunch break so I had to get my head together and get going. Well and truly FUCKED!!! The only thing that saved me was that a car was being towed up ahead and slowed down the whole traffic which gave me plenty of time check out the signs and take the right exit. I still managed to get into the wrong lane and after nearly stalling I revved the mini and made it down the A41 and back to work just in time!! One of the reasons I took this job was to build my driving confidence but I think I give myself a bit of time to settle into my daily driving before taking on anything else. Heart attack over..... for now!

P.S. The punani is healing but it’s gonna take some time. I'm starting to clime the walls so i've decided to refuse any more Bj demands, if I aint getting shit, then he aint gettin’ shit!

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